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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Where Do Jack-'O-Lanterns Come From?
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  Author    Where Do Jack-'O-Lanterns Come From?  (currently 5176 views)
tomson
Posted: October 12th, 2007, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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This one was to me pretty good on all levels. Not bad anywhere, but not great anywhere either.

I didn't really care for OLD MAN and his sneezing. Just gross, but not funny. Didn't think he really added much to the story.

I liked the Mayflower story and the one with the Injunes. The Ben Franklin one didn't seem to fit at all to me. I would suggest a rewrite of that story, but I see a lot of the others seemed to like that part the most...

Anyway, the idea was god, the writing was good, just needs to be reworked some be better, which I believe it can be.

Good luck with it.

Pia
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aurorawriter
Posted: October 13th, 2007, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I think this is a good idea for a Halloween comedy, but I think the execution could be better.  The middle dragged a bit for me -- I think there were too many versions of the jack-o'-lantern's origins, and the Ben Franklin one (although weirdly amusing) went on too long for my taste.

Just a thought: it might be more interesting, visually, to kind of mix up the stories and have the factory workers interrupting each other.  So the scene could rapidly change from the Mayflower to the Indians to Ben Franklin, and then back again.  I think that would help the pacing, and you could have fun with some bizarre juxtapositions of the stories and scenes.

Some of your descriptions are good, but others (like the descriptions of the factory) I feel could be trimmed without detracting from the story.  That would help with the pacing, too.  Oh, and I'm not sure about the thing with the workers lighting the candles before the jack-o'-lanterns go down the conveyor belt.  Seems like a pretty good way to NOT make a profit, ya know?

All that said, good job.  It's not easy to come up with a script in a week -- well done!


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