The dialogue at the beginning was very funny but like most have said, it fades a little at the end.  I think this would be great as the opening to a feature cos the characters were excellent.  The story was ok but there wasn't too much pumpkin carving going on.

Although I just commented on the great dialogue at the start of this script, nearly half the script, but it has nothing to do with the story.  This is why I think it needs to be longer.  I know you couldn't extend this because of the page limit but it's something to think about for later revisions should you wish.

I had to read this one due to it's veiled James Bond reference, although the script itself contains no Bond-ish elements at all. That aside, I won't hold it against you.

The plot side of things is ok. Couple guys down on their luck raid an elementary school pumpkin carving contest in order to secure rent money for a landlord who gives them five hours. Pretty amusing.

The opening dialogue wasn't bad. It may have run on a bit long (half the length is this opener), and could probably be cut back quite a bit to move on with the story. The bit with the landlord being the janitor is cute, though only done to play into the ending.

Pamela Strode...Halloween fans groan. Did have some trouble accepting her language there at a family event.

So...a live on site pumpkin carving contest? I've never seen one of those or even heard of it. I don't think they'd get away with stealing some kid's pumpkin right there either. It was hard to accept the situation and became even more difficult with the sex scene.

The description of the actual act was also very difficult to accept. While I have very little doubt that this sort of thing would happen some where, it is unlikely to occur when someone is engaging in a quickie in a public place. This is someone being over adventurous with their screenwriting. These things have to be plausible...note, I didn't say "possible", only plausible. Public sex is engaged for the adventure factor, but has the requirement of being able to restore yourself back to presentable when it's over. Defecating on someone's chest prevents the possibility of returning to presentable...something about the smell...

The ending is way too abrupt and while there may have been an aim to get to this point, it wasn't set up at all, and there was not much of a punch to it. The final line said nothing and wasn't funny. The blackmail bit was very obvious when they begged to be let off the hook, and some fun could have been had with it.

It does have some decent moments, but is overall too implausible.

I agree with everyone else that the ending doesn't feel quite right - maybe if you had the opening dialogue hint at the sex act it might feel more cohesive?

Well, this was purely sick.

What kind of comment could one expect?  I don't know for what kind of audience the writer intends this to be, but then we live in a crazy world don't we?

For shock value, you get 10/10.  For the "now I've read everything" factor, you get 10/10.  For the "carefully crafted intelligent piece of work" factor, you get 0.

Sandra

Great piece of opening dialogue. Witty. Quick. Authentic.

I feel the ending needs work. The sex act was too easy. Also, there's not really any sort of setup and payoff for the script. Work on that, and you'll have something pretty solid.

This was a very funny script; full of the sort of take no prisoners humour I love. I'm a fan of anything that shows what people are really like, when they're not putting on a show for polite company, and this certainly does that.

The zombie shagging convo had me from the get-go and the story had me chuckling until the end. The how bad gag was another favourite.
  
I also thought the ending was funny and it tied everything up quite well. Although, as George said, the Cleveland Steamroller might not be that plausible in a quickie situation. However, I was prepared to overlook it because of the type of comedy it is.

I'm looking forward to finding out who wrote this.  

This has some pretty funny moments.  The "Jesus pumpkin" is a pretty funny line.  I agree that while the banter is entertaining, it takes up a lot of room.  In a 12 page script, we gotta hit the ground running a bit.  Since people brought up Kevin Smith, you need to "get to the mall faster" as was noted on Mallrats.  While the plot was generic, I trhink if there was a little more story to go with the funny, this could be even better.

This was a funny read.  Thurgood and Abraham definitely make for an interesting duo.  The dialogue is snappy and well-written; personally, I would look for opportunities to trim some of it, if only for the sake of pacing. As an example, check out the 3 bits of dialogue at the top of page 8.  Instead, you could just go with:

ABRAHAM
We need to win that contest. (maybe follow it with a line of action)

They race into the kitchen, whip open drawers, snatch up knives.

There were times when I thought the dialogue was aimed at a specific punchline, and those were the times where it felt a little bit forced, and it slowed down the flow.  

As for the ending, my only problem with it was, once Abraham catches Malenkov in the act, you pretty much know how it's going to end.  Rent free, baby!  The following is just a suggestion, feel free to disagree with it:

-- Have Abraham's look of horror turn to revelation as he pulls out his cell phone and zooms in tight on Malenkov and Strode.  Smile!  Cut to Thurgood back on the couch, noshing on popcorn.  New DVDs everywhere.  The sound of a vacuum -- Malenkov sneers at Thurgood as he does laps around the coffee table.  Abraham bursts in, unthinking, "I can't find my cell phone anywhere."  CU of Malenkov's face, you get the idea.

I thought this script was just a lot of silliness.  There was nothing interesting to it, just two idiots talking twisted logic and finding a stupid solution to their problem.  In order to use shock humor properly, your material still has to be funny.  This wasn't.

I can guess who wrote this, but I'll wait.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe In order to use shock humor properly, your material still has to be funny.  This wasn't.

That's a matter of opinion, Phil. This script made me laugh more than any other script in the challenge.

Sure it isn't perfect and there are a few kinks to iron out, but it's a farce comedy. If you judge it based on plausibility of course it won't stand up, but most farce comedies wouldn't.

By the way, you don't have to guess who wrote it the names are up.

First off, thanks to everyone that read this. I didn’t intend on writing anything since school has been so insane lately, but after seeing the amount of flak Don was getting, I decided to write an entry.

It seems like people’s main problem was the ending. This was originally a fifteen page short. I was about to submit it, but after examining Phil’s original post more carefully, I discovered that the maximum length had been shortened. So, the ending was modified and it definitely shows.

There’s also a page missing which featured Thurgood and Abe on a public bus (en-route to the elementary school) discussing why mentally retarded people always seem so happy.

Regarding the opening dialogue between Thurgood and Abe. It’s based on a drunken conversation a friend and I had while watching the Dawn of the Dead remake. A lot of people mentioned that this had a Kevin Smith vibe. I haven’t seen Kevin Smith’s the “Flying Car” so I can’t really remark on any similarities. It’s kind of cool that my work is being compared to his. I’ve enjoyed most of his films.

So, thanks again. Maybe you’ll see a revised version of this off in the distant future. When I’m unemployed or out of school.

Which ever happens first...

Quoted from Nixon I haven't seen Kevin Smith's "The Flying Car" so I can't really remark on any similarities.

I had never heard of it either and had to look it up -- so I believe you -- but check out the transcript for the short:

http://www.viewaskew.com/newboard/messages364/1226.html

The similarities are remarkable, but at the same time, far enough removed to be convincingly coincidental.

It does sound like him, though -- and that is kind of cool.

I'm surprised you haven't seen the Flying Car. As Bert said, the "similarities are remarkable." I do believe you haven't seen it BTW. A drunk conversation sounds about right in my book. Still, the mechanics of the conversation are almost identical. The lines "there's a catch" and "why would he do that" actually appear in Kevin Smith's dialogue with similar responses and the whole conversation ends about the same.

If you're interested, I'm sure you can find the short on YouTube. It's only about 5-10 minutes and pretty funny. If not, it's attached as an extra to the Clerks II DVD. I think it's worth a watch.

Quoted from Takeshi That's a matter of opinion, Phil. This script made me laugh more than any other script in the challenge.

Making a handful of people laugh doesn't mean it's funny.

Quoted from Takeshi Sure it isn't perfect and there are a few kinks to iron out, but it's a farce comedy. If you judge it based on plausibility of course it won't stand up, but most farce comedies wouldn't.

Plausibility has nothing to do with it.  I've seen more outrageous scripts than this.  A and I would call this a poor example of farce comedy.  Forced comedy would be a better description.

Quoted from Takeshi By the way, you don't have to guess who wrote it the names are up.

FWIW, I don't look at who writes this and would rather not know who wrote it.  Also, FWIW, I was wrong with my guess.


Phil


[/quote]

Quoted from dogglebe Making a handful of people laugh doesn't mean it's funny.

It does if I'm one of the handful, because I have very good taste.

If you go over the reviews, the majority of them said that this was funny. If a majority of a comedy's readers/audience find it funny, then it's funny, no matter what faults a critic points out.