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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Night of the Living Pumpkin
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  Author    Night of the Living Pumpkin  (currently 3623 views)
mcornetto
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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The begining was a bit slow but once it got going I enjoyed the middle. I wasn't as fond of the end.  I think the main problem is its uneveness.  I did get a couple of laughs out of it though (Yes, the pumpkin seeds).  
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I think that this one could be rewritten to be a truly well done script if some things were changed--like the brother pumpkin not killing his dog.

This script shows creativity and potential though.  I really liked the opening of the two scarecrow boys doing their scare.

The joint stuff I didn't care for.  I know it's a select audience with that kind of thing.

Good effort.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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tomson
Posted: October 12th, 2007, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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I started reading this one when it was first posted, but I quit after a few pages. I picked it up today again and finished it.

I don't think it was bad, just not great either. Not much comedy in it for me at least. I don't know what else to say. Mybe I'm just getting tired of reading about teenagers, especially the weed smoking ones.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

Pia
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EBurke73
Posted: October 14th, 2007, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Kind of tough to start a comedy with one of your characters getting shot, but it still could have worked if the mother created guilt was done with more gusto.  I mean, maybe it because I'm Jewish, but those are usually slam dunks.  The first discussion between the two brothers was pretty well done, and it felt like this could be a nice breezy script where, I dunno, stoner hilarity ensues.  

Once the pets get slaughtered violently, we're out of the comedy zone and smack into horror.  This makes the end a teensy incongruous.  Blakkwolfe had a nice thought that could be used by Ashley not already entranced by his downtown abilities, then we could have had sexy, stoner hilarity instead of dead pets, which aren't as funny.


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aurorawriter
Posted: October 15th, 2007, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Write it!

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You have a nice clean style that makes this an easy read.  A couple of funny moments (the pumpkin seeds!) got a chuckle from me.  But on the whole, I think the tone is too uneven.  It starts off reading like a heavy-duty drama, then morphs into an inexplicable horror thing (why is Brandon killing the pets?) with some comedic moments.  It's not a bad idea, at all, I just think that you need to pick a tone and stick with it.

Still, good work getting a script completed in a week -- it ain't easy, that's for sure!


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