Wish Pumpkins by June - Short, Comedy -  Wendel is determined to beat Nelson at Halloween this year, but after a lot of time in the bathroom and a big waste of toilet paper, he sees things differently.  Well, almost. <12 pages - pdf, format

oh my, I think this is the most colorfully written script out of the batch so far, and no matter what people think, i don;t think anyone will think that it is boring.  This fit the challenge.  I was laughing from the start, not just cause it was so odd, well that did add some laughs, but even outside the oddness it was pretty funny.  I don't know much else to say other than this is strange, weird, but never boring and often funny.  good one.

This was a good concept, but I think it could have been tightened up a bit and made shorter.  The writing was good, but maybe just a little bit too much description on the front end.

It seemed like you were going for a quick, bizarre ending.  If that's the case, you succeded, but I would have liked to have seen it end just a little cleaner.

Some funny stuff was spread throughout, but I definitely think this could use some chopping at the front and adding at the back.

Nice work.

This was a strange one.  Sometimes I liked it but other times I didn't.  It seemed kind of confused as to what it wanted to be.  Sometimes it was strange and wonderful - like the begining. I had high hopes in the begining.  Other times it was a domestic drama.  I didn't find it particularly funny but I did find it amusing occasionally.  No pumpkins were carved and the ending was a bit odd (not in a good way).

But the concept was a good one and if the author makes a decision as to its direction and rewrites it with more consistency then it could be something grand.

32

I was ready to put this down after a couple of pages cos' it was boring the hell out of me. However,  I managed to finish it. I guess you were partly going for the slapstick kind of humor here and that's cool, it's just very difficult to get across in writing, whereas dialogue driven comedy is much easier.

I thought the basic plot was a bit murky, I couldn't quite figure what direction this was going. The writing itself could also use a serious tune up. Many times it's way too descriptive and too bulky.

I didn't think this script is good but on the other hands it's got potential.

Too bad it wasn't really funny or didn't involve the carving of a pumpkin.

Rob

I am with Sniper here.  Finishing this script was something of a chore.

And I have to add that starting off with a commercial put this particular reader in an unfavorable mood right off the bat.

I often found the narrative quite confusing, with characters launching into inexplicable spasms, and an abrupt ending that left me scratching my head.  Parts of it were kind of funny, I suppose, but I really struggled to place them into context with the surrounding story.

This one meets the requirements of the challenge, but the absurdist style just did not work for me.  Perhaps that is just a matter of taste.

OWC Score:  50%

I was confused very early with this script.

The banner was a nice touch. Please no fangs like a mean crocodile...
but what is this:
it explains one pumpkin's sentiments: Not all pumpkins want to be scary. Jacks appear as unique as the people who carve them???

How can you film that? You can't. Maybe use a narrator for those two lines.

Then I came to where the kid was riding a bike, going full speed, then SPLAT!
SPLAT what?
Then he's getting up off the ground. He must have fallen. I didn't see him fall and I was looking right at him.

That is where I stopped reading. Sorry.

One thing I did like while reading was how the cartoon turned into real people. That was nice.

Cindy  

The beginning confused me way too much. Your descriptions were really detailed and such, and that's good, but it seemed as though there was so much happening, imagining what was happening was way beyond my reach.

Your format was a bit off in some places, where you have descriptions as dialogue and vise versa.

I agree with some other people, this was a chore to get through, but I managed to get through it, but to be honest with you, the ending disappointed me so much. I thought it was going to end another way, but it just...stopped. I went through all this reading, and I thought it was building up somewhere, and some guy ends up getting "seizures" and that's it? I'm sorry but that ending was...not so great. I felt as though half of the script was missing.

I didn't really find anything too funny, probably because, though, that I am tired, so it's not your fault.

I'm sure, though, that if this were brought on to screen, it would be a whole lot cleaner and comprehensible to me. Good work.

Sean

Having read the first couple of pages I wondering where on earth this was going, I was really confused.  It just read really awkward but then the dialogue and the characters came forward and it showed some potential.  The format throughout was a bit off and weird statements and descriptions made it difficult to follow at times but the ending was even weirder.  I was left wondering what the hell this was all about.  Are wish pumpkins just an excuse to do nothing with pumpkins and give them away as special?  Also it seems everyone puts up Halloween decorations a MONTH before the day?  Surely this can't be right?  This was just too confusing for its own good.

I thought it was too much as Mike said before me. I'm sorry but maybe I waited for soemthing more funny. Okay it was well written and I love the characters mainly Nelson. Oh BTW you you forgot to put Donna's dialogue on the right place at page 9.

good try

I think this one that, shown up on Screen with Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo would be pretty funny, particularly with the commando style sneaking around and the grass rub poo removal method that doesn't work...

Liked the opening cartoon ok; kind of like the beginning of Grease...

Sags a bit in the middle with running around getting the milk, setting the nieghborly competition and such...

Figured Checkers was gonna be a more critical part of the story as alot of attention was given to him in the beginning, but the floppy dog just goes away as a minor character. (? what's a floppy dog? Bloodhound? Shar Pei? Overwieght Shih Tzu? Hard to get a visual without a breed reference)

Where were the mummies he was making with the toilet paper?

The ending idea of the wish pumpkins is cute..., so much so that the story should have been written backwards, establishing and building on this sweet little story to get to this point...Would like to see more built around this idea instead of "Halloween Vacation" which is ok, but Wish Pumpkins could be the stuff of legends, or at least a nice seasonal animated special.

First of all, page 2 should not exist, unless you wish to incorporate it in your script; otherwise, it takes you to a 13 page story which I’m sorry to say breaks the 12 page OWC rule.

What a bamboozling story! BUT, I must say, your writing is very good and fast.

I did not get much of a laugh, too many ideas were thrown in, never had the chance to digest any of them.

As for the theme, it was mentioned so I’ll give you credit.

The toilet paper? I have no idea what the hell that was all about or why it was incorporated in the story.
Was he making props that looked like mummies for Halloween? And then, where were the mummies?

I am sure this type of humor must appeal to many but, I am sorry to say, you lost me and re-reading it a second time! Well, it made no difference.

Well written and format ok, except for Donna’s dialogue on page nine, you have made it an action line.

Thank you for allowing me to read your script.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  4/10
Comedy Structure: 3/10
My rating of your script overall: 5/10

Like many of my fellow posters in this thread I found the cartoon a little confusing.  My recommendation would be to cut and start the story on page 4 in the Peters’ Hallway.  Everything the writer needs to tell his/her story starts from that point.  The cut would also eliminate the repetitious Nelson at the door vs. Nelson and the milk scene.

The cut would allow the writer to better set up and explore the theme about the kinder and gentler pumpkin in a way that is more immediate than having it established with  the floating cartoon banner.

This has the potential to be really good.  It has some interesting ideas, and I liked the "wish pumpkins."  But, as others have stated, it sags in the middle.  I kind of wished this would go somewhere.  The part about having to go to the bathroom to think works well, but we don't see what Wendel's thinking.  From a show/tell perspective, I'd like to have seen the mummies, and why they failed.  The competition about Halloween decorating brought to mind that horrible Matthew Broderick/Danny DeVito movie.

Hit this one again with more wish pumpkins.

Hi Sandra,

I will be honest with you and tell you that I started reading this one about a week or so ago, but I didn't get past page 2. Now that the writers have been revealed, I wanted to read this and give you my thoughts on it. You have been a very good reviewer this time, but also the previous one. I think most people can appreciate that.

This one was actually very much alike in style as your boat/thriller short. I really enjoyed your "boat" script. I thought it was absurd in a whimsical/fantastical way. When I first read that one I remember having a smile on my face and thinking wtf, but in a good way. This time a had a wtf thought too, but mostly because I was confused.

I hope you take the following as an attempt to help, but I'm nobody so don't take it too seriously.

I think you have two good things here that I would try to work on if I were you. The dads trying to beat each other by doing the best/coolest Halloween stuff is great. Sort of like "Christmas Vacation" with Chevy Chase. I also liked the Whish Pumpkin idea and I would have liked to have that worked into the script more. I think that could be something cute.

The major problem for me with this script is its unclear narrative and visuals. Not just hard to read, but hard to visualize as well. Pretend you are a camera and you are only allowed to write, describe what you can film and then clearly give us scene headings that tell us where we are. Don't tell us carachter's emotions.

Break up the action paragraphs into different shots if you can. Makes the reading easier, faster and more visual.

I think the first two pages, maybe even the first three don't really add anything to the story. It was just confusing.

If I came off as confusing here, I don't blame you. feel free to ask if you have any questions.

Pia

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and review this.

Film is a quirky animal to work upon the page.  In order to get across details, you often sacrifice in a script's bulkaplicity.  

Rob Skotte (Aka sniper) understands very well the value of a skinny script.

That's why it's so valuable to study the form from all angles so that the right techniques can be employed in the right way and at the right time.

Before I go on to some comments based on comments, I'd like to recommend for anyone who has little children or grandchildren--or just someone who likes fun music-- go to:

Oddio Overplay and Ilovewavs.com, you can get "Haunted House" by Hap Palmer which I used as Wendel's sneaking music, and "Gimme a Smile" by Andrew Gold which I used for my bookends to this in the intro and the ending.

These are lovely little tunes and they have lots more for your Halloween parties.

Now for the comments on the comments:

Elis, I never broke any rules.  This is a 12 page story, but in PDF with title pages, it reads that way.  12 story pages on the mark?  Check.

Cindy, I don't know where you got the bike from, there's no such animal in the script.  Just a floppy dog.  What's a floppy dog?  You decide.  They come in many breeds and colors, but one thing they have in common is they like to flop.

Wendel only discovers at the end about the idea of "Wish Pumpkins."  

...when he sees his daughter saying, "No Jefferey.  I don't want mine carved." and decorating it with lace, that he realizes:

"Here I've been running around and trying to come up with a fantablioshish idea for Halloween-- trying to beat Nelson with his Monster House and his big fat fancy pumpkin carving with dozens of my own exquisitely carved designs and now... I look over at Sarah with her bit of lace, and I look down at this little girl who's asking me sincerely how to carve the perfect pumpkin... and I realize that sometimes: YOU DON'T.

"Wish Pumpkins" is about Wendel trying so hard for the BIG GRAND DESIGN that he doesn't see the bigness in the very small... UNTIL the very end.

The mummies weren't important to me.  Only the fact that Wendel used up all the toilet paper in the process and failed to replenish--a critical mistake.

I'm really happy with "Wish Pumpkins."  I'd like to make it longer.

I don't know how to write the animated beginning any shorter than it is.  I know how to snip and tuck and I'm sure I could do that, but I'm not sure how to write in the fact that the song's lyrics are moving on a banner for little kids to read and the fact that a huge number of CARVED JACKS keep fighting for the spotlight, pushing each other out of the way...

I think the only way to do it would be to lengthen the script and do it line by line thereby increasing that beautiful white space.

I really fought with this script.  It's been through I don't know how many rewrites... you know the way it goes and Whoah!  It's been compressed and compressed and still Whew!

Anyways, this really was a joy for me.  I appreciate the incite.

Sandra

Having enjoyed your previous OWC script, I thought I'd take a look at this one.

I liked the beginning, morphing from cartoon to live action. I was hoping that it would, from time to time, morph between the two -- kinda like Run Lola Run.

I loved the exchange between Wendle and Sara; the Satan/satin comments. Very funny.

The story, I felt, took a few too many pages to establish itself. By that I mean, I wasn't sure, right away, what the conflict was. Given the limited number of pages with which to work, you might consider condensing it. This would allow for a more dramatic read.

The dialogue, I thought, had a realistic feel, yet, at the same time was comical. So points there.

I didn't understand the ending. It was very abrupt. Perhaps I missed something.

A format comment: rather than writing NEXT EVENING in the slug, you should drop it down and SUPER it.

Seth