Halloween Incorporated by Alona - Short, Comedy - Bobby Lofton unwittingly sells a portion of his eternity to the sexy, fast talking demoness, Delores. <12 pages - pdf, format

I liked this one.  I think you did a good job with these two characters, and really ended up going full hilt with Bob as the boob, which was really driven home at the end.

There were some parts where I thought Delores' dilaogue was much better than Bobby's, but her character was a little more sophisticated anyway.

A good take on the theme, and filled with some pretty good comedic stuff.

I suspect that this writer is also from Chicago based on a few elements I spotted.

I really liked the concept here (been saying that a lot, I think), a sort of Faustian interchange, and while there were a few funny lines (I loved Bobby's "I'm smart like that!" line) I think it kinda ebbed out in the end.

I would've liked a punchline at the end, instead of just having her leave.

The dialogue was great though and the polar oppsite characters' dynamic worked really well.

I think you spent way too much time on describing Delores. You give her 8 lines of description going into minute detail about the exact brand of her heels and frame of her glasses. I think it's overkill and that you could give us an idea of what she looks like in a sentence or two. No need for exact specifics.

Didn't laugh much but I still thought it was a charming story.

Wow! talk about a simple male attitude. This guy is your every day Joe, LOL.

Good story, it was captivating and couldn’t wait to get to the end to see what happened -- and then, -- a simple end - ??? - Why?
Considering the build up, I was expecting an explanation to the bargained percentage in terms of how many years it may have taken off his life before making his trip to hell.

Taking nothing away from your story though, it was well thought of and amusing; I especially liked the cat bit.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  6/10
Comedy Structure: 5/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10

I liked the idea of Halloween Incorporated, and the copyright on it. Cute!  

I have a question though...

They haggeled over a percentage rate. A percentage rate of what? There was no actual loan amount mentioned. Only a percentage. I didn't get that...

That's the only part that didn't make sense to me. Otherwise I thought it was a good concept.

Cindy

This was probably the strongest script I've read so far. The comedy was on full blast but channelled through sharp dialogue. That's the way it should be IMO. Strong characters enhanced the comedy as well. Bobby's the perfect everyman you can't help but feel sorry for considering he has no idea what's going on. Dolores is a top notch villain as well. You can never really trust anything she says. Their differences made for some good conflict.

My only complaint was that this took a little too long to get started. The pacing is fine but there's too much description prior to the pumpkin carving, mainly character description, which you've divided into individual sentences. I usually have to tell people to break up their sentences but in this case, I think you need to compile them into paragraphs pertaining to each character. A little cutting down on the wording will also help a lot in speeding things up.

Overall, a solid read, strong on comedy, and an original interpretation of the genre and theme. Good job.

I really liked the idea here, but it could be trimmed some I think. It was well written and a good read, but it went on a little too much about percentages and different form numbers and such.

Bobby is first set up as a big slob loser type guy, but then we sort of end up liking him anyway. I don't know, but maybe tone down the loser description some in the beginning.

Delores is great, but I'm not sure we need all the upscale brand names.

Anyway, it was a good read that could be made a little tighter.

This was a unique take on the challenge and I think it worked, the theme was used pretty well here.  It was also pretty funny, nothing laugh out loud but it kept me smiling throughout the whole piece.  I liked the 666 tattoo, it was a nice touch.  I think it ended a bit to easily, I wish there was one last twist there, but oh well, this still fit the challenge well.  Good work.

Just like Bobby, I had no idea what was happening. You don't really explain what the percentage is for. All Bobby has is 13.3% (something like that, right?) of life, maybe? I don't know, unless that's the trick, then it's fine.

I was really expecting more for the ending, like Bobby just disappears or something and ends up in Hell with Dolores.

The cat part was funny. At first I thought she killed the cat by setting it on fire, but then she just burned his fur off. Dolores was also pretty much the most amazing woman character out of the script I've read so far. Haha, she seems like a great person to hang out with, though, I'm probably saying this because I'm weird like that.

Nice job.

Sean

I liked the idea of Halloween being taken over by a corporation, and drowning someone in beauracracy just to have the simple pleasure of carving a pumpkin.  We get a pretty clear picture of both characters, though there's a little too much obssessive detail on how Delores looks at first.  I also liked how Delores went back and forth on the percentage.  As someone who's done the mortgage thing, it seemed really familiar.  

So he got away with 13.3% of his soul.  Not too shabby, though he seems to get stupider as the script goes on, almost to a Homer Simpson extent.  The 6's didn't clue him in on something being on the unkosher side?  While I enjoyed the bargaining period, I was looking forward to more of a satire on big business and beauracracy.  But from the script as it stands, I think it could be stronger if Bobby put a little more fight into having to deal with the situation.  He's a little too pliant.  It feels at times like a one woman show with a sidekick.

Good job.

I have to agree with the majority here and say this was a good job.  It's very well written if slighty over written in parts.  The characters were well crafted and the dialogue flowed quick and easy, I couldn't believe how quickly I read this.  Sean touched on this too, what exactly is his 13.3%, you say it's his eternity in the logline but what's that...his soul?  Or is he paying money?  This is just nit picking in the end, overall this was a good original story.

As said Death Monkey above, it was a charming story indeed. Great reading, but I didn't laugh much, however, I appreciated the writer's  skill on playing with these attorney stuffs.

congrats!

haha iwas smiling the whole way through. Not really laughing hysterically, but this was a very interesting idea and it was well thought through.

Things kept building up and i kept wondering what was going to happen. The ending i tihnk is fine, didn't ruin the story for me. Great job on this.

Great characters, great dialgoue, but not much comedy. it dealt with the topic but that's it. Also as pia said above, the numbers should be removed in order to avoid confusion.

Gabe  

This was entirely, excellent.  My goodness, what's not to like about this one?

Gosh darn red tape, need a permit for everything these days.  Yeah, I can see it.

You fit the challenge on all counts.  A++

Good job!

Sandra

I thought it was a bit too overly written. Especially in descriptions. In the openings you had lines and lines of descriptions that weren't exactly necessary. Even some of the dialogue had things like "September ninth, nineteen sixty four," and I just thought "Wouldn't 'September 9, 1964' not only be shorter and more concise, but save lines?"

Same with "six hundred and sixty six" that's about 25 characters when it could've been 3...

I was just wondering if these descriptions were used to help flesh out the script and make it seem longer?

Dot the eyes? Cross the tees? Initials the Ex's?

Those lines sort of irked me. I've never seen it written like that before, as it actually would be dotting the I's...

These aren't major faults or anything, just little things that could be tightened up around.

Anyway, back to the story;

You had a cute idea that you executed quite well with strong clear dialogue. The characters were different and written well (if not a little cliche). I just thought the script didn't need to be as long as it did, especially without a strong punchline ending or anything.

All in a all, a solid effort, 7.5/10.

This was well written. I was amused through out and I didn't think it lagged at any stage. However, there wasn't much of a twist at the end, unless you count the thirteen three stuff. I also found myself wondering why a demoness, who could disappear and reappear anywhere they wanted, would need a mobile phone, but now I'm just being picky.

Good work.

Quoted from dslah I thought it was a bit too overly written. Especially in descriptions. In the openings you had lines and lines of descriptions that weren't exactly necessary. Even some of the dialogue had things like "September ninth, nineteen sixty four," and I just thought "Wouldn't 'September 9, 1964' not only be shorter and more concise, but save lines?"

In dialogue, it's proper format to spell the numbers out as words.

You're right about the eyes, tees, and exes though.  Those should be the actual letters themselves.

Thanks to all who read and reviewed. This was a great learning experience, and I had a great time doin' it.

Several people mentioned I went overboard with the brand names, which is true...A bit too "devil wears prada" than nessecary for this particular short...to say she was a Fashionista would have gotten the same point across with a whole lot more verbal economy...

Wasn't sure about dotting the I's and Crossing the T's, how to write that out, so I learned that (thanks, Mike)

There could have been more of a punchline (i need to work on better endings), but I more just wanted to show him acting like he was really smart, which, he wasn't.

EBurke mentioned it was like getting a mortgage, which is exactly what I was driving at. When you buy a car or a house, they just throw these numbers around and you lose focus on the item and fixate on the deal, the interest rate.

A car salesman can make you think getting 9.5% for 80 months is a good deal. In that sense its consumerism in the highest degree.

William "Refridgerator" Perry's touchdown during the Superbowl against the Pats is one of those painfull moments that I'll never forget, like the ball rolling through Bill Buckners legs...That being said, GO RED SOX!!

Hey Joe,

This was a pretty clever idea that was executed in the beginning and middle very well, but I think it kind of lacked in the end.

To tell you the truth, I was hoping that in real life you were an attorney and you were going to come up with a clever way for Bobby to actually pull the wool over Delores' eyes somehow.

I do have a question, though.  Maybe I missed it, (I will read it over again to see if maybe I just scrolled down too far while reading), but when Gloria couldn't get the percentage down to 17, so they settled on 19, what exactly happened that Delores lowered it down to 13?  Like I said, it was probably me and I will take another read.

It was all right as far as funny-wise.  I chuckled lightly a few times.  And I will admit I laughed out loud when Bobby asked if the cat's fur was bothering Delores and she replied by snapping her fingers and saying 'Not anymore.'  I just laughed again thinking about it.  :-)

-Mark