Oh Lantern by Gary - Short, Comedy - It's Halloween and middle aged shlub Mannie Ramone is looking for love.  < 12 pages - pdf, format

This is very well written -- word for word, the best I've read. The descriptives were spot on and the dialogue, in particular, I thought was fantastic. The story itself, though, was predictible and thus lacked a sense of tension. Still, I very much enjoyed this one.

Well done!

Seth

Nicely written.  It was a predictable story and it was more amusing than laugh-out-loud, but I enjoyed reading it just the same.  I think an Aussie wrote this one.

44  

I thought this one was well written and amusing. The descriptions were good and the story was good, but a lot of the occurances were a little cliche'.

This one was very funny and it fit the challenge well. Mannie was  one miserable old coot, no wonder he couldn't get laid.  I thought the phone call to the madame was funny with him trying to barder with her, and also at the sex store, he was sure an unlikeable fella, but that really didn't bother me.   Like the others have said the ending was predictable, but still it got a laugh out of me.  good work on this one.

Oh my god! That's the October '07 OWC script! Very nice piece here! Great indeed. This a real carving Jack-o-lantern sex comedy!

I'm very impressed!

This one was written well with nice descriptions... horseshoe bald...

On page 7 you had "the the plug"...
One week, tired eyes, I know how it is.

I didn't like Manny at all. What a creep! I didn't find him funny, and I'm glad he got what he deserves in this script.  

I did get a laugh out of the kids though. I thought they were great. My kind of Halloween kids. Loved how they got even with the sicko perv.

Cindy

I liked this one quite a bit.  Great voice with your writing, whoever you are.  I like your style, and may seek out more of your works in the future once you are revealed.

One mild complaint here is that your story builds to a single punchline as opposed to being comic throughout.  Generally speaking, of course.  In fact, most of the comedy here springs from your wry style that, unfortunately, would be lost on the screen.

And you failed to describe the jack-o-lantern that was ultimately fashioned by Mannie.  A lost opportunity, there.

OWC Score:  93%

This one was pretty good.

Writing was nice and the story okay. Could be trimmed some here and there.

The kids trick or treating is something you could have made better. As it is right now, they are more of an unnecessary side thing. They do not drive the story forward, unless the 16 pizzas are supposed to be a great pay-off. If it is, then that particular part didn't work for me.

The story is really about a scuzzy perv wanting sex with someone/something so the kids don't add anything. If I'm confusing you, feel free to ask what I mean. Sometimes it's hard to get across what I'm trying to say.

Pia

This one cracked me up completely.

Manny is a funny, funny character, reminds me a bit of a slighly more demented Ignatius Riley (John Kennedy Toole's classic Confederacy of Dunces)...

I love his collapse of standards from a financially independent actress/model with a car to a defective blow up sex doll with a pumpkin head. That's where he draws the line.!

"it's like steppin' inside my head." best line!

The only thing I'd suggest is that instead of the doll being defective, it could have been a returned item! YIKES!

Great character driven short and I laughed my head off.

Umm, i thought it was good.  I'd have to say that while Mannies' a pretty big creep, at least he knows it.  Those times he called himself a fat slob were some of my favorites.

Thats it.

Much love,
Tyler

I decided to do some reading to kick in my return after a short hiatus here, so I read this one. It was fun and very easy to read, but as with so many things, there are some comments to make.

This is a character sketch about your guy, Mannie, so everything that happens should reflect something of who he is. Single and web-surfer. Cool. Doesn't do trick or treating, except to trick. Ok. Loves his porn and confortable in sex shop. Ok. Calls a brothel. Ok. Totally broke. Swell. Getting the idea of him.

Admired the jack o lantern...hm, plays off in the end, but what part of his personality lends him to randomly admire a carved pumpkin? I believe the jack should be described to be something he would admire... my thought? It should have a round mouth and feminine eyes. This would make our boy perk up and send his imagination rolling as well as play into the ending.

He gets back to the pizza guy. Sprays him with water. Ok. However, what part of the story or Halloween tradition would imply that the same kids would visit twice? And it's always hard to accept that he wouldn't check the target before spraying. You have top ask yourself what part of Mannie's character is being portraying through the pizza guy incident. Everything else is well done and shows something about him, but this really doesn't.

The final scene is amusing and a bit sick (given the implication of what he did to the head), but a lit jack o lantern? Funny for the cigarette bit, but overall, highly unbelievable. It goes on a bit long actually. In fact, it would be far more effective with only a very short ending with Mannie being satisfied and a quick reveal of the pumpkin before it's over.

It does play like an elongated joke with that final punchline, which brings up more of a groan than a laugh. It isn't bad, really, just needs a bit of a trim here and there, so good job overall.

This one was funny. I liked the conversation between Mannie and Madam. 200 bucks. How much for half an hour? That is for half an hour. What about ten minutes? Haha.

The ending, as some people have said, was predictable, and yet, I got it wrong. Seriously, I thought he was just going to carve a hole in the pumpkin and put it in the microwave like SOMEONE on the SS boards suggested as a "fun Halloween activity!" but yeah...Ha

Why does everything cost so much? I didn't know blow-up dolls cost that much (or do they?), but I can believe the price for half an hour...though I think it'd be just a tad lower.

Overall, this was a good one. Nice job.

Sean

This is pretty good in its character set up.  We really get who Mannie is, and it's got a nice through line where the character wants something and keeps going until he gets it.  The two discussions were pretty funny as well.  "I'ma smut peddler, not a relationships counselor."  Classic line.

I agree with Pia about how the kids don't add anything to the story, except to show what a jerk Mannie is.  It's something to be careful about when you stick a perv in the same story with kids.  Plus, it puts us on a tangent when the pizza guy shows up, except to reiterate how cheap Mannie is.

This was very funny, probably the best so far in terms of humour.  The dialogue in the sex shop was top notch, had me in stitches.  My only grumble is the fact that the pumpkin head was lit, George touched on this.  I know it's needed for the cig lighting so I won't delve deeper with my complaint.  This was really cool.

Hey,

I liked this one, and god help me I found Mannie endearing. He's a creep but he's a creep I wouldn't mind knowing.

Well anyway, as you can probably deduce, I thought the Mannie character was really strong and amusing. The Goth kid was also pretty good, and I thought the interactions between the two were gold.

Can't think of anything to really complain about so thats a good sign.

Overall, fit the theme alright, well written, pretty funny. Good job.

sheepwalker

This one definitely had some humorous situations, albeit sometimes a bit too cheap for my tastes. Most of the jokes were solid, though perhaps a bit rehashed (the "how much for ten minutes" I think I've Danny DeVito say at least once).

Mannie was pretty round character and you get he's on a mission. That worked pretty well, but like others have mentioned I think you've got two plotlines in one story. You have Mannie VS the kids and Mannie tries to get a date. And the two never really come together. So the kids actually annoyed me as well.

The ending was pretty funny. The notion of getting head from a pumpkin made me chuckle.

Overall, it was hit and miss for me, with a little more hit than miss.

Somebody took a guess that I had written this, so I figured I'd pop it open and check it out.

I thought it was funny and well written, but definitely in a style much different than mine in the descriptions and parentheticals.

The story itself was well rounded, and you incorporated the theme pretty well.  I like the aspect of Mannie tricking the kids, but it could have been varied up instead of just using the seltzer bottle.  

My favorite part was the banter between Mannie and the guy in the sex shop.

Good work. I liked it.

This scripts was done well. It covered the theme well; something I never imagined before. Diagloue was nicely done as well. No complaints from me.

Gabe

There have been some excellent scripts in this challenge, but this one is my personal favorite.

I don't have a lot left to read, but I don't think I'm going to change my mind.

Something that not everyone here knows is that I have an auto-immune condition similar to Lupus and I really try hard to use my mental strength to focus on my work so that it takes my mind off what I deal with on a daily basis.  In the case of "Oh Lantern" it brought true laughter and joy to my heart.

Working the craft and writing comedy is something I like to do for others because we need that in this world of ours, but I know it's not easy to do and so I really appreciate this script.

I was laughing and really seeing this.

This is such and excellent job and I'm truly impressed.

And did you intend for Manie to be built from the stereotypical "man?"

Maybe it was one of those sub conscious woo-ooo things.

Sandra

Thanks for the reviews, guys. I'm glad the majority of them were positive. I'll take all your feedback into consideration when I sit down to write the second draft.

I also want to thank Don and Phil for putting on the OWC. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have written this script.

  

Oh, I was laughing through the whole script.  Very clever and funny.  The descriptions were well written.  Good job.

Thanks for the feedback, Anti. I'm glad you liked it.