Storyteller by Phyllis - Short, Comedy - Four teens attempt at a kid bedtime story. The result is three different, highly inventive variations of the "Cinderella" story, with some very unusual narrative choices. <12 pages - pdf, format

Excellent concept! Funny -- especially some of the names, Jackie Lantern, Seedy Pete, etc. The execution, though, was a little hit-and-miss. Much of the dialogue had a rambling feel, which lent a kind of reality to it. Still, it seemed the author didn't know exactly where s/he was going and thus the end wasn't as satisfying as it might have otherwise been.

Even so, I like this story. It has a lot of potential. I hope you give this one a rewrite,

Seth

I too thought this was a good concept, but was a little let down in parts, namely with Ebony.  When you first said that she's an angry black woman, I got a good laugh from that, but when she actually appeared it felt a little overdone.  

You may as well have had her not carved, but instead painted with blackface to really drive it home, which probably would have been funnier.  At least to me.

A good effort, but could definitely be taken a little further yet.

Again, really neat concept, even though it sorta has been seen before. There's great comedy in the the switch in the stories, but I think you could've made the schism funnier; you know, take it into completely ridiculous dimensions highlighting each of the storytellers' personalities. You briefly explored having them sabotage each others previours storyline and I think it would've been funnier if you had let April or Dwayne re-interupt and try to introduce their storylines again instead of just commenting on the others'.

But you only had 12 pages, so I get it's not easy to cram all that in there.

But I liked it. Good job.

How old is Chris? I am assuming he is older only because of this line.
"Kid, there are a lot of things I wish had happy endings."

I loved the start of your story but it lost all meaning towards the end. Poor little Alex; never made a comment throughout the whole story. Did he enjoy it? After it was told, did it send him to sleep?
I think you have a great story that needs a rewrite. I enjoyed the concept but it does need a bit more work.
Well done in the beginning to follow the OWC theme.
Your comedy was there but I think you can do a lot more with it.

I enjoyed it.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  6/10
Comedy Structure: 5/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10

It was developed well, but no comedy at all. Let me say one thing: Im' not familar with these Halloween characters, however I'm with the April when she said: "You do tell bad stories!"

I thought this was a cute story/script.

I liked the idea of the story teller. Having to make up many of these stories in the past for kids and grandkids, I can feel how these kids feel in being on the spot   and changing it up here and there.

I also think that this one would benefit from a rewrite into something really really good.

I liked Mike's suggestion about painting the pumpkin black to fit the angry black woman. I think that will get a laugh.

Alex asked how they knew the pumpkin was a boy, but I think he should but into the story more with more questions about what is going on... they always do.  

This one fit the challenge and genre.

Good job.

Cindy

I loved the beginning of this--the knife sweeping into view.  I thought the writing showed creativity however... (it's as bad as "but")

For whom is this script written?  At first, we've got what seems to be a kids' show, (even though these are teenagers it feels that way) but then it slowly turns.  Dwayne says, "Jesus Christ" and I think that's heavy for a kids' show and later I'm entirely surprised to find two lady pumpkins performing fellatio on Seedy Pete.

The problem with this one is that it's not explicit right at the beginning that it contains adult content.

I really liked the Seedy Pete character.  Your creative use of "stem"--really good.

For my taste, I'd like to see less of "bitch" and that type of thing which aren't always necessary.

You've done a very fine job on this.

Sandra

This was a pretty descent entry, not one of the stronger ones but it worked.  The theme was used well and it had some amusing moments.  Seedy Pete was a pretty fun character, I wish Ebony was a little more ghettoish, it was almost there but I think it could have been taken a little further.  I think the idea of this was great, then ending was a bit lackluster but in the end it worked well for the challenge.  Nice job.

Cute concept and this started out well but I thought it kind of lost its steam after the first story installment.   It wasn't bad but I think it could be so much more.

This was a funny one. Angry black woman (along with Mike's suggestion of her face also painted black). But towards the middle it sort of drifted off into the author's attempt trying to make it as extreme as possible, and yet, keep it at a low level, if that even makes sense.

I, on the other hand, liked the ending, with April's line: "You DO tell bad stories..." That was great. You also used the theme well in the beginning, but it sort of drifted off as you neared the end.

It was good though. Good job.

Sean

It was well written, interesting concept, but sorry, this is not my kinda humour. Just like Helio, maybe I'm lacking some pumpkin's culture and I surely missed a lot of jokes.


Michel

I really liked the names of the pumpkin characters...I think that April & Josh would have been a bit more protective of little Alex's ears, as 4 year olds absorb EVERYTHING they here....Liked the dialogue for the most part...The first two stories themselves were OK, definitly along the lines of what teenagers might come up with, but Seedy Pete, seemed a bit too adult for these kids...(However, with Skinamax on Cable and High Speed Internet, it wouldn't be unthinkable that they'd get that idea)...I liked how Josh hijacked the story at that point and spun in it to the next "Top Lantern" story...

It was ok, not hysterically funny or anything, but a nice effort with good character voicing and solid dialogue.

Hi Phyllis,

I think you had a nice idea here, but it needs a little work.

First off I think you have too many carachters for a 12 page short. The pumpkins are carachters too, so you see there are a few too many carachters here. Is Chris even necessary? I don't think so. Maybe even cut out Josh or Dwayne or combine them into one person.

Parts of this script I saw as a cartoon for kids, but some other parts as teen film. I think you might want to try to decide who you want this story to be aimed at.

I very much liked the first story and wished that you had stayed on the "Cinderella" course.

Good luck with it and I hope you do a rewrite.

Pia

Hey,

I liked this one alright. I felt like the entire story had a kind of playful feel that was conducive to laughs, but at the same time I didn't feel that there were enough punch lines, at least punchlines that worked for me, that could get me to laugh as much as I would have liked to.

I found a lot of the the characters really likable and most of them pretty amusing, in particular Chris, but still the only character that really got me to chuckle at all was auntie Ebony, and she was a little hit and miss.

I disagree with April, Josh is a great story teller, "a cat fight forming a bond that would last a life time" that put a smile on my face.

So overall, decent use of the theme, some amusing stuff, quite a few smiles, but not enough laughs for me. Nice effort.

sheepwalker