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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Peter Pumpkinhead gets laid
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  Author    Peter Pumpkinhead gets laid  (currently 4016 views)
Don
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Peter Pumpkinhead gets laid by Smokes - Short, Comedy - Peter has a pumpkin for a head.  Peter can't get a date.  Peter decides to make a girlfriend for himself. < 12 pages - pdf, format


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Seth
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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This one started out really well. Usually, I don't care for narrated stories, but in this case it worked. Over all the story was, I think, a bit uneven. I thought it could've done without the discriptives of all the various types of students -- seemed unnessary. The end was a little convient. Still, it was an enjoyable read, and well written.

Seth


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chism
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Smokes,

Hehe, this was a fun little read. Absolutely absurd and off the wall comedy, which is always fun to watch. For a character with a pumpkin for a head, Peter is surprisingly well-developed and sympathetic. The writing and formatting were both top notch and the story fits well into the genre and theme, so well done there.

I agree with Seth about the ending, however. It did seem a little convinient that Helga would just show up and be immediately attracted to Peter. But throwing in the line about jaundice was pretty inspired. It's as good an explaination as any as to why she would be attracted to a pumpkin-headed teenager.

Overall, this was a good short. Quick and to the point, well-written and pretty funny. With conversations about squirting sexual juices and that dig at Woody Allen, I don't think it takes a genius to figure out who wrote this one, so I'll just say well done. An enjoyable, wacky read.


Matt.
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Shelton
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Just reading through this now, but if you used the auto complete function, every "NARRATOR" is spelled wrong.  Missing an R at the front.

Actually, now that I've read the whole story, you could probably lose the entire front part with the Narrator and the backstory.  Sure it helps a little bit, but there isn't anything that's discovered there that really ties into the main story, which is Peter's attempt to get laid.

It doesn't matter if he's a great baseball player, or that the school is broken up into five groups and who they are.  We just need to know that Peter is sick of being a no ass getting loser and plans to do something about it, which starts on page five.

I did like the story on the whole, but I honestly think those first four pages could be taken out and nothing would be lost story-wise.

Nice job.


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tomson
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I enjoy your writing and I found it to be humorous at times. Especially during some of the descriptions and stuff. That however is not someting that would show on film. I wish you could somehow transfer some of that to the visual and dialogue parts.

I liked Peter and felt for him.... Barry however would be someone I'd like to meet. Well, if he was older... haha

I agree with everything that's been said already. There's no need to go into detail about the different groups at school since that never comes into play later.

The ending comes quick and I think it would be better if Peter have to earn her affection. otherwise it seems a tad to convinient.

Liked it overall tho..

Good job!
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EBurke73
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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What if...Tim Burton directed Porkys?

There are some funny bits to this script.  Barry and Peter's relationship is great and the two of them work well together.  I also think it was a good choice to have Pter excel in sports so he has a positive to go with the pumpkin head.

The first third of this script is all set-up.  I think you might be better off whittling it down by about a third, especially since none of it really matters.  You could just start with, "This is the story..." and go from there, showing Peter's popularity with the jocks with the home run.

The end was a little too easy.  "I like orange guys.  Let's ---+ is a bit of a giveaway.  I liked Peter's first attempt, and I think if you ditch the beginning and go for a second attempt (a blind girl perhaps?), it'll strengthen the story aspect much more, because there's more comedic milage to be gotten.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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I think that the writer behind this has talent, but the work is falling into the pit of the ordinary, using sex to get a "rise" (bad pun) out of people.

Really, I can see by the organization during the beginning of this piece that we've got some creativity happening.  I was sad to see it break down as it did, but by the title, I wasn't surprised.

I thought the narrator speaking about the Pumpkin Guy was really cute.  The description of the school groups is pretty much right on and it had me wondering where I would have fit in.  I think I was one of those morphing individuals--kind of a little bit of each group all rolled into one.

I have to admit: I'm severely biased against phrases like "motherf**** ...."  This really turns me off.  Unless it's big Mr. Bad talking or someone else who speaks this way, I'm always wondering:  Do we need this?  What is it accomplishing in the script?  Use it for a reason, just like you'd use the word verisimilitude.  Don't go slapping your script with big words or dirty words for the "Hell" of it.  Put some thought into everything you put upon the page.

One example:  The first sentence:  Houses sit side by side along the street.

Now, first off, we all write these kinds of sentences.  Tons of them.  And sometimes it takes the fiftieth read through to discover them or someone else finally points it out and we were so caught up in other things we simply didn't notice.

What's wrong with it?  How else do houses (suburban or city) sit?  Side -- By -- Side.  Of course.  It's a given.  But it's so obvious that we mostly never realize our error when we're writing.  

We need to fight with everything we've got to make out first page count.  We have to get off easy street and try and phrase things (even everyday suburban houses) with a tad of originality.

I like the concept of this, I just didn't like all of the execution.

Up until page five I was interested and I didn't have any gripes.  Then:  Here comes the porn.

With my lecture done, I still did think this script shows some skill.

Good effort.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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James McClung
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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This was a fun read as I knew it would be. I love the title. It's got kind of a Snakes on a Plane appeal to it.

Anyway, I liked the dialogue between Peter and Barry. Definitely some chuckle worthy moments here. I liked the "squirter" line, in particular. Bizarre sex always makes for good comedy as far as I'm concerned. It's funnier when you know there're people out there actually into this kind of stuff as opposed to people having sex with pies. I've never been into American Pie/Van Wilder style comedies. I'm glad you decided to go in the opposite direction. I thought the jaundice line at the end was even more hilarious. Not sure if you intended it to be but someone being attracted to jaundice is just so out of left field, which I like, haha.

You could have done without the narrator, I think. Especially considering it takes five pages to set up the plot. That's a problem, considering if you blew this up into a feature length, you'd have the narrator saying "this is how Peter gets laid" in the middle of the whole thing. In any case, this isn't the story of how Peter gets laid. Obviously, his little plan didn't work out. This is the story of how he tries to get laid. In any case, yeah, I think you could lose the narration and fill in the extra pages with Peter and Barry preparing. I was curious how Peter was able to get Barry to agree so easily as well as how their operation went so smoothly (until the end, that is). Five pages could answer these questions, I think.

Anyway, this one made me laugh and there's definitely some pumpkin carving here. I think that makes for a decent effort, overall. Not bad.


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Soap Hands
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I agree with most everybody else that I thought it could have done without the narrator giving the background at the beginning.

Which brings me to my next point:

I would like to respectfully disagree with Sandra.

Up until page five I was uninterested and I had nothing but gripes.  Then:  Here comes the porn.

And thank god it came, I thought it was the most entertaining part of this. And in my opinion thats where things really started to get creative, I mean, jumper cables clamped onto the breasts of a dead chick to resurrect her! If thats not creativity then what is?

Well to each his own, I guess thats the difference between a nineteen year old guy and Sandra.

But back to the short, I agree with Seth. The descriptions of the school groups didn't really work for me. Things got started to get rolling when they got along with their plan, I would have liked to see some more of that and the interaction between Barry and Pete, I think thats were all the best humor was, for me anyway.

Overall, I thought this was ok, a pretty good use of the theme but I didn't think the laugh to page ratio was high enough.

Nice effort,

sheepwalker
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Death Monkey
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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This was actually really cute for an "exploding corpse" kinda story. I agree that the exposition is too long for a 12 pager. But once the story kicks in it's really pretty good.

The opening narration is funny (about the rationality of Peter's head, like Woody Allen movies) but when you start using narration to give detailed description of the 5 groups in high-school it becomes kinda excessive.

I loved the meta-joke about how easy it is to steal a corpse from the morgue and the juvenile nature of the Barry and Peter. "Why her tits?" - "It was all I could think of" haha.

Good job.




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mcornetto
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 4:13am Report to Moderator
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I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this. It was a cute idea, I got a couple of chuckles  and I enjoyed the read but...

I think the entire narration could be removed.  It just wasn't necessary.  Instead use the space to show us more of Peter's exploits trying to get a girl.  You said he couldn't get a girl but you never showed us.  That could be funny.

I think you could have gone much further with this idea than you did.  But it wasn't a bad job for a week's work.
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elis
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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I loved it!
The humor was there. I giggle through many parts of the story. Especially, when they tried to revive the corpse.

The ending was good but a bit too sudden. I am also amazed Helga accepted him so quickly; she may have liked orange but he still looked like a pumpkin.

Good story, well done.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  4/10
Comedy Structure: 7/10
My rating of your script overall: 7/10


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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I liked the use of the narrator.

It might have been fun if you would have taken another angle with him though. Used the narrator to V.O. while showing the different groups of kids and single out a girl from each group, show how Peter Pumpkin struck out with each girl... I mean since the story is about him getting a piece of the pie so to speak...

What if the last girl was a piehead or a crust!
Forgive me for that.  

I liked the corpse scene. I just would have liked to seen him in more situations like that.

If you still want to keep the baseball part in there you could have him swing at the bat, show him striking out with one of the girls, and the umpire yell, "You're out!"  until he hits that home run with a girl.???

I dunno... just tossing suggestions.

Anyway, it did fit the challenge and genre.
Good job for the OWC

Cindy


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BryMo
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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To be honest your first 4 pages could be taken out and i wouldn't mind lol. It doesn't realyl take much out of the story. I liked your comment on woody allen still aking movies but i think thats about it.

I was expecting something so much better though, the possibilities were edless.
But this was still pretty decent, goob effort.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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This is another one of those scripts that I can imagine being written by a table full of junior high school boys, writing stories instead of concentrating on thier algebra homework.

Pretty damn funny, too.

Great set-up establishing Peters character...Might like to have seen a bit more about Barry, as he was a pretty deviant individual himself to go along with Peter's little necrophiliac idea.

Liked the interpretation of the Frankenstien scenario, the jumper cables scene was sick, twisted and cracked me up.

Don't know why Helga isn't a pumpkin head too, as that'd be a match made in heaven.

Extra credit for the Charlie Brown font on the title.


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