Well, another script about a pumpkinhead. Haha I've lost count.

Anyways, this was a funny read. I don't think you needed the descriptions for all the students. You just introduce them and move on.

Haha and then when they tried bringing the girl to life with the jumper cables...KABOOM! That was funny.

The ending, although predictable, was good also. Haha Helga was always a weird name for me, too.

Good work.

Sean

Haha! You sick bastard! I really enjoyed this one. A very clever take on the challenge’s theme, and plenty of laughs in here. Really liked the premise.

I saw someone pegging this one to Jordan on the guessing thread, and yeah, it reads like Jordan’s work.

Just a couple of suggestions:

- When having a narrator, always make sure that the narration adds additional layers to what is seen on screen. Some bits of narration felt redundant, since they were repeating information that was already being conveyed visually (for example: when the narrator tell us that kids made fun of Peter).

- None of your scenes were boring but I think it would have been better to show at least one failed attempt to get laid by Peter instead of having him spell out his main problem in dialogue lines. By crafting a failed attempt you can bring Peter’s conflict to the surface via dramatization, and have some funny moments too. The show don’t tell rule. It’s so obvious that is easy to forget.

- The ending. I liked that he finally got laid but I didn’t like how. The overall quality of the script makes me think that you could come with a much better ending. It’s always better to resolve the main conflict by using the existing dramatic elements instead of bringing new ones (Helga) at the end.

But despite the previous bitching, I really enjoyed this one. Those guys at Iscript could have a have a hard time when trying to read some of the dialogue without laughing.

Good job, and thanks for the read.

Thanks for the reads everyone, I tried to do something different, didn't go as well as I would have hoped, but I tried, that should count for something

Quoted from EBurke73 What if...Tim Burton directed Porkys?

HAHAHAHA, that was probably my favorite comment   That's what I was trying to go for.

Seems like everyone disliked the part I liked the most....hahaha, The first half for me was more fun to write than the last half, guess I'm kinda outta touch

Anyways thanks again.

There were definetely some funny parts, as i did laugh a few times, but so much of what happened was just unnecessary.  We don't need the two minutes of how the school's social ladder works.  We don't need to see their kind of disgusting first attempt at getting a girlfreind, or it should at least be shortened (because so me of those jokes were funny, like the easy-morgue and Barry's simple acceptance).  This will give you more time to focus on helga, and actually make that believable.

Then again, looking back, it's kind of funny how it ends, how that fits with the ridiculousness of the peice.  BUt you'd have to make it more obvious, more blunt, like have helga only have one line: "Hi, I'm Helga, I have a thing for orange and I want to do you." and then peter: "Okay..."

And thats how peter pumpkinhead got laid.

Or you can make it more"sweet" and focus on their relationship and all that fun stuff.  The way you have it now doesn't work though, it's too inbetween that it just looks like you were lazy.

-Tyler

Hahaha.  I thought this was an oddly "cute" story.  I think some addition by subtraction could make it even better.

*"He looks like any other boy except for the fact that his head is a pumpkin."  I couldn't stop laughing at that.
*I felt the whole thing with the groups was unnecessary.  Slowed things down.
*Now, I know you don't hold any leashes in your writing, but when we first are introduced to Barry and his mouth goes off, it seemed oddly out of place.  Granted, there's some strange stuff going on in this story, but all his cursing just seemed unneeded.  
*Yeah, the ending was a little convenient.  Maybe change her to Helga Hornworm.  

Aside from the groups, it flowed nicely, it was funny, it was clever, and it was so bizarre but didn't stop to acknowledge it, which is a good thing.  The whole idea of creating a girlfriend for this guy out of a corpse and a pumpkin had me chuckling all the way through.  A gnarley tale you got here!  Very nice stuff, J-Rock!

Thanks for the reads Tyler and Greg, I know that this isn't the best script that I have written, I tried to do something a little different that's probably why I liked the first half more, it was something I haven't done before.  Anyways it was a learning experience which is a good thing.  Thanks again for taking the time to read this.