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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Everywhere You Look!
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  Author    Everywhere You Look!  (currently 4084 views)
Ian
Posted: October 16th, 2007, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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I really didn't get it, I've never seen FULL HOUSE I'm afraid. I was annoyed because I got the feeling that there were funny things happening but I couldn't see them...

I did laugh at Michelle's catchphrases near the end, because I knew that's what they were even though I'd never heard them... I knew the CONCEPT of that joke was funny so I was amused even though I didn't totally get it. I kind of imagined her to be like Cindy from The Brady Bunch to make it work for me lol. I also laughed at

'There should be less blood this time'
'Why?'
'Cuz you're smaller than mom'

Lol. Other than that, not many laughs for me, but I felt there were definitely more to be had for those who were in on the joke. As for pumpkins, they weren't a big feature and they weren't even the thing getting carved. Subject wise, it wasn't too challenge friendly. Genre wise, I trust it was. I have no trouble believing that there was a lot of comedy in this script. I just didn't get most of it. However, from a technical point of view, it was very well written so I can at least give you props for that


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This one wasn't funny.  I stopped reading at page 3 because the dialogue I found confusing and the characters didn't seem to have any motivation.

Your first scene with the semi spinning its wheel and spitting up pumpkin debris was a good one.  You had me interested there, but this deteriorated and I was trying hard to understand the "TV scene," but then when we just had two names swearing at each other, I couldn't stand it anymore.

Be careful, editors will throw out a good script because they're in a bad mood so try and give your characters motivation before you throw in the heavy language.  It felt like it came out of the blue to me.

When you brought Jesse in on page 1, you forgot to introduce him as in: Jesse, 20s, rock star or something like that.

-pg 3 I think Jesse saying the car is fine!... is supposed to be Danny.

An important thing to learn is that it's not what happens in a scene that causes us to say, "Oh no!"  But it's our empathy for the characters.  We need to know what's at stake.

Maybe with another go, you can generate that in the first couple of pages.

Good luck with your next one.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Shelton
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Just ran through this one, and even though I'm familiar with the show I felt that this one was just trying way too hard.

A few bits here and there that I found comical, but on the whole this one just didn't work for me.

A lot of your descriptions read pretty weird as well, like you were missing "and" and "then"  in quite a few of them.  There's another writer I can think of that does this, but I can't imagine that he wrote this.

I'm definitely curious as to who did though.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Seth
Posted: October 22nd, 2007, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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I know, given the reviews, that this wasn't, for many, an enjoyable read -- so big thanks for trudging through it (or, as in Sandra's case, attempting to trudge through it). It's appreciate it!

Seth




Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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Hoody
Posted: October 25th, 2007, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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Just the mention of Kimmy getting cut up made me want to read this script(I think you know why I'm upset). Unfortunately, I grew up on re-runs of the show so I was familiar with all the little catchprrases and whatnot.

Problem was, I didn't even crack a smile reading this.  It all just felt like a bad Robot Chiken sketch(don't get me wrong, I love the show and it's humor, but they do have some pretty bad sketches).

But just to let you know, it has the potential to be awesome.  Lose the laugh track thing and the catchphrases and try and make it sound a little more "real" instead of a bad parody that knows it's  bad parody and stretches too hard for laughs.

I really wanted to like it.  Maybe I just built it up too much for myself.  I'm sure you've written much better so don't let this get you down.


Please, read Elvis The Goat or Cold Turkey.  Thanks in advance and I'll make sure to review your script in exchange.
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Seth
Posted: October 25th, 2007, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Hoody,

This was a definite miss-fire -- on a number of levels. It's a piece that, normally, I wouldn't write. My objective was to have fun with it, which I did. Ultimately, though, it didn't work.

I appreciate the honest critique,

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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