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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Pumpkin Love
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Don
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Pumpkin Love by Karen - Short, Comedy - Walter plans to ask the object of his hearts desire a very important question in a very elegant way. < 12 pages - doc, format


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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the way the theme was used in this script, pretty original, haven;t seen it in any of the scripts I have read so far, but there really wasn't any comedy in it, more of a drama in my opinion.  I didn't think Walter acted like a sixteen year old, he kinda acted like someone from the 50's, just felt a bit off.  It was a cute idea and the pumpkin carving was used very well so good job on that, I just wished it had more comedy in it.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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With the title of Pumpkin Love, and considering the content of some of the other entries, I was pleasantly surprised that this was a nicely thought out and executed little short...

Now the character of Walter...I really didn't like him at all at first. He was arrogant, cold, impersonal, odd and obsessive. But then it hit me like the proverbial ton o'bricks.

Walter's autistic.  Here's why.

a. He's uncomfortable being hugged by his mom (Many Autistic kids can't stand being touched)
b. Picking pumpkins by a numbered grid. That's really good. (the desire to bring order out of what he percieves as chaos. It's the same force that drives him to back up and pick up the discarded chocolate milk carton)
c. completely oblivious to the amorous attentions given to him by Amelia (doesn't pick up on social cues)
d. When he's cut, he exhibits highly inappropriate behavior for a kid his age ( A teenager wouldn't freak out and cry  for his mom. They would just get a band aid and go on with life.)
e. The odd style of dress outside of those of his peers (doesn't feel the need to be accepted by a peer group) The fact he chose courdory pants is interesting as well as that is texture/tactile issue.
f. He's a perfectionist to an obsessive extent in carving the calligraphic pumpkins. The fact that he chose to spell out the entire words in many pumpkins is significant, too. That's how he reads words, by the individual letters, like ABC's on a set of children's blocks. It'd be a lot easier just to use one really big pumpkin and inscribe on that.)

This gives the character of Amelia a whole lot more depth for accepting who he is on the inside, as she so eloquently states as she makes her pumpkin seeds, and certainly lends a lot more wieght to the ending as Amelia gets a hug, even though he was uncomfortable with his own mom. That's a huge step for him.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but through this perspective the story works, and works well.

Beautiful little story, although not roll on the floor funny, it's still warm and uplifting none the less and definitly one of the more mature contributions to this challenge....


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Blakkwolfe  -  October 20th, 2007, 8:09am
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Shelton
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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I'm glad to see that I wasn't the only one that thought this wasn't laugh out loud funny, but truth be told, it didn't need to be.  This is definitely a romantic comedy, and the same guidelines do not apply when working within that subgenre.

I thought this was a really good script.  Didn't care too much for Walter at first, felt he was a little bit too nerdy.  I didn't get all that Blakkwolfe got out of it though.

Anyway, this was a good script.  Some technical stuff would be to break up your descriptions a little bit more, but they weren't all that bad.

Nice work.


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James McClung
Posted: October 9th, 2007, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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I'm basically going to mirror the other readers' comments but I'll elaborate as well. Walter doesn't act his age at all to the point where I was actually picturing a ten year old inside my head. With that said, some of these images are so contrasting, they come off as awkward. Walter sitting in his own car drinking chocolate milk out of a carton. It just comes off as bizarre, like it's a kid driving a car. Picturing a sixteen-year old crying when he cuts himself or stiffening up upon receiving a hug from his mother is equally off. If Blakkwolfe is indeed correct about him being autistic, this would make a lot more sense and you'd have a lot more depth in your story. If that's the case, I think you'd need to give us a hint or two somewhere. Frankly, I'm astonished Blakkwolfe was able to get from this what he did (unless, of course, he's the writer in cognito).

I also didn't think there was enough humor in this to pass as even a romantic comedy. I just didn't see it at all. I liked the script, don't get me wrong. While I didn't like Walter at first, I thought the ending worked really well, in a way it wouldn't if Walter weren't so cold. I also liked Amelia's character. The bags of seeds were, dare I say, cute. Still, that's how I saw this script: "cute." I didn't see it as a comedy. More of a heartwarmer kind of thing. Anyway, that's only my opinion.

I liked the script for what it was and probably would have liked it better if it wasn't supposed to be a comedy. Still, as if often the case, it's not a good fit for the OWC. Not by my standards anyway. Nevertheless, a good script.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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Nope. It ain't me, but my seven year old is non-verbal autistic, so I'm probably more tuned into that sort of thing than the average guy.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper

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Blakkwolfe  -  October 10th, 2007, 8:01am
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tomson
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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I liked parts of this script and didn't like some other parts.

I agree with what everyone's said already. Some parts were just odd. That aside and I'll accept Walter and Amelia both for being as different from the rest of the world as they are, my main beef with this story was that I saw early on that it was going to be Amelia and him in the end. Can't remember which page exactly I knew, but it was as soon as she was introduced and described as being just as odd as Walter. Therefore the rest of the script wasn't that interesting.

Don't take me wrong. I liked it still and the writing was nice. Just restructure it so it's not so obvious who's got "his heart's desire".
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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This was a nice little short. First things first, separate your paragraphs into smaller ones to clean up your script a bit.

Now, I didn't really care for Walter at first. I also got a bit confused at some points. Walter acts like a very proper gentleman from, like Jordan said, the 50s. So at some points, I thought he was a lot older, and when he started crying to his mother for a band aid, I was like, "How old is he again?" Just because of the way he acted. I had to go back an check to see how old he was.

I laughed at the N-O part, and thought that was a bit creative for Katie to respond back. And it was funny how he threw the carton out...and went back to pick it up.

In the end, this was a really nice script. Good job.

Sean
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alffy
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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I didn't find this funny, although it's meant to be a comedy.  That aside it was a nice read and Walter definately comes across as having mental issues.  I liked the character of Walter and his little traits, the grid of pumpkins was good.  This was good but doesn't really fit the theme.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I sure did an amazing job on this one!  Just kidding, someone guessed that this one was mine.  Good guess, this is one I think holds a kindred spirit of mine.

I love this script, it's one of my favorites.  Creative, engaging... Oh dear, I was so taken by the superior quality, I just realized that I have to give its comedy a bit of consideration... hmmm.  Yep!  It definitely has that too.  The clothing, reversing his vehicle to pick up his milk carton because he felt guilty of chucking it...

This one was excellent.  I love "Pumpkin Love."  It's got that "Pip and Estella (and I can't remember the plain girl in "Great Expectations") kind of feel to it.

Wonderful!

Sandra



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EBurke73
Posted: October 14th, 2007, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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I kind of liked Walter, despite his eccentricities, or maybe because of them.  The opening where he buys the pumpkins works nicely because he gets so uncomfortable while making his order.  He kind of reminded me of "Monk."

I agree that we can see everything coming from a mile away, even though it's nice he gets the girl who's right for him over the girl he wants.  And after the opening squirm, we don't really have anything that's really funny, but we have enough, or else the script runs the risk of running the idea into the ground.

Very nice.


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Ian
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Like people have said it's more of a romance than a comedy, but I liked it. The main characters were strange and a nice deviation from the conventional types found in most romances. If you didn't intend for Walter to be autistic like Blakkwolfe has suggested, I think you should pretend that you did . It's a nice idea that provides a lot of answers for Walter's strangeness and makes him more likable I think (if he's autistic he can be forgiven for some of his typically undesirable traits).

At least one person has mentioned that your descriptions could do with being spaced out somewhat. I'd like to add that I think you should reconsider the points at which we arrive at some scenes. For example, when Walter arrives at Katie's house you write:

'Walter’s green Saab pulls up in front of Katie’s house.  He begins unloading all the pumpkins, then carefully puts a candle in each one, carefully lighting each candle.  The last pumpkin has a note pinned to it.  On the front is Walters recognizable elegant calligraphy, it say’s: “Katie”.'

That's only 5 lines, but that would take AGES on screen. It could do with being split up into more scenes. Maybe a montage, or maybe he pulls up outside Katie's house, then you start a new scene in which he lights the last candle and you describe the pumpkin display which he has already created (without us having to watch it all). That reminds me, I didn't really get the point of the time title cards as time didn't seem to be an important factor in the story.

Nice use of the pumpkin carving subject. Never really laugh out loud funny (although I did chuckle at him going back for his discarded carton lol), but kind of charming. Amelia was sweetly innocent and offbeat, and came off well for falling for Walter despite his eccentricities. The ending was nice too, and I agree with Sean, Katie's method of response was cool


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Tony Gangemi
Posted: October 19th, 2007, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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I think you had a pretty good grasp of the Walter character; he definitely had his share of nuances with the repeated smoothening of his coat and all.  Nice job.  While the story had sort of a sweet ending with Amelia packaging the pumpkin seeds, it's tough to feel completely satisfied as Walter had pretty much no interest in her throughout the script.  

Just a suggestion: it might work better to keep Amelia more at arm's length.  Keep her fascination with Walter, but instead maybe she admires him from afar.  And maybe he is convinced she has no interest in him.  Then, when the Katie debacle occurs and Walter is ready to pack up his pumpkins and go home, Amelia appears and reveals her true feelings for him.  It was underneath his nose the entire time.  He just couldn't see it.


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