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A Slice of Pumpkin Life by Bill - Short, Comedy - A Mockumentary following the bizarre contestants of a Halloween Fate Pumpkin Carving Competition. < 12 pages - pdf, format
This was a well written piece that fit the challenge, it used the theme of carving a Jack-o-lantern pretty well. The cucumber line was by far the funniest along with Tim the emo kid, his attack on the pumpkin was pretty funny as was Ida's "bring it on bitch" line, those were the 3 laugh out loud moments. So in the end this fit the challenge so good work.
This is my favorite so far. In a short time we got to know a large amount of characters with just short strokes. It kept me entertained throughout and was constantly funny from start to finish.
I enjoyed this one It's a well written piece with interesting characters -- quotable characters. My fav line was by Hank, "I like nothing more than spreading happiness to God's people... and warding off folk that he, and myself of course, don't take to kindly to." What follows this line is hilarious!!!
Good piece, with a pretty large number of well developed characters in a short time. Maude was my favorite, but the tie in with Tim the emo kid was good as well.
I like the mocumentary approach to the OWC theme and you handled it quite well. I even got a really good laugh from the script and so I can't really give it higher praise than that. The one thing I found a bit distracting was Rain. Otherwise, well done - one of the best I read.
I really liked your colorful characters. I got quite a few laughs out of this, too.
For this being a one week script, I have to say, "Wow! I am really impressed."
If comedy isn't what you normally write, then I think that it is something that you pursue. You have a lot of talent.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
This was well written and I appreciate seeing a mockumentary in the OWC.
I think you did a great job describing all the carachters. Wendy is sadly someone that I know, not just one but a few of. One of them even insisted once that I should read one of her romance novels. What a bunch of crap that was. Like "Penthouse" for women, minus the pictures. Anyway, you portrayed her perfectly.
You had a lot of carachters in this short. I personally think you could delete Rain and Patty. To me, they didn't really bring anything to the story.
This had an interesting cast of characters and a few good gags. It reminded me a lot of the film Best in Show, only this was a little more in your face.
Wendy and her kids were my favourites. I thought they were great.
As for Maude and Ida, you could probably tone down the language between them; I felt that it was a little over done. Perhaps you could just cut to their stand off a bit sooner.
I also think you could tighten up the script by getting rid of Rain. I don't think she really needs to be in this story and I felt that somebody making a public spectacle over the rights of pumpkins was a little unbelievable, even in this crazy comedy.
Maybe Maude and Ida could cause an in brawl at the end when they blame each other for ruining their chance at winning.
Very Good! Rock Solid, Brit-Com style that works perfectly for this kind of short.
Loved the two old ladies going at it with each other.
Not sure what a fate is...assume from context its like a county fair or fete. No biggie, unlike Wendy's innuendo about her vegetable garden...
Lot of characters for a short, but they were all very good and distinctly themselves.
Nice structure in terms of using the documentary flashbacks in moving the story along.
I liked Rain. It seemed inevitable that a veggie rights activist would show up at this sort of event, and would have been conspicuously absent if she hadn't.
Liked the splat at the end. Would love to see this in a claymation style Aardman short.
Great Job!
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
You did a great job of building empathy for your characters. Nice descriptions as well - one sentence was all it took. Incidentally, Maude and Ida need their own cooking show.
Personally, I think you would be better off singling out a protagonist -- or dual protagonists, if you were to go with Maude and Ida. Have the audience invest in them, and build to a climax that somehow involves them. Will they win, or won't they? There's your opportunity for suspense. While each character was entertaining in their own way, it was difficult to be satisfied at the resolution stage because Tim had the least screen time of all the characters.
Comedy and craft were both there (favorite line: Richard isn't threatened by pumpkins). I would just take a step back and ask: What are you trying to say with the overall piece? Once you know that, there's a good chance the protagonist will reveal himself.
I liked this one. I especially liked Wendy and her sexual past with cucumbers, very funny. This reminded me of the movie 'Drop Dead Gorgeous', showing the truth behind over competative people.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Yeah this had a nice feel to it. I liked how you exposed the townspeople, much in the same manner as "Election" or "Storytelling". You've got a rich variety of characters that work, for the most part.
I didn't laugh though as the humor really wasn't my thing.
I thought Maude and Ida's exchange of obscenities was too much. It just felt out of character.
I actually thought I knew who wrote this, but then he replied in the thread. Could be a trick though.
"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."
I liked what was happening on page 6 of this--the ideal family being revealed as dysfunctional.
I really had a hard time with this because it shows potential, but it frustrated me.
An example of brilliance like this:
A worryingly clean floral nightmare of space.
And then vagueness and banality like this:
-pg 4>to display emotional expressions
You need to try and show them.
What really troubled me was when I got down to the swearing contest and I just felt like it was such a waste.
-some minor typos like
>yourself innermost self *typo
but I'll take typos over confusion such as this:
When we enter George's living room, we are prompted with On Video Camera, but I'm confused as to whether George is watching himself or what?
One important thing, is: Don't give camera directions. It's not the writer's job. It's the director's job.
So how do you show that you want to film John's clenched fist? Don't write camera zooms in on... Just write John's fist flashes. John's hand tightens into a fist. Or... something much better.
Sometimes you might capitalize, but that's debatable too. You have to be careful that you're not capitalizing every single little sound and everything you think should be a close up.