An Original Idea by Dean - Short, Comedy - Tommy and John have a meaningful discussion about horror films and...other things. <12 pages - pdf, format

Hey,

This was really dialog driven and that would have been fine if the dialog was really good, the problem for me was that I didn't think it was good enough to carry, practically, the entire story.

There were moments where I would smile but you didn't get any laughs out of me, I could see where you had the jokes they just didn't really work for me. Perhaps it because I'm not a huge  horror film buff I didn't get it, on the other hand I had seen a majority of the movies mentioned, and didn't laugh at those either.

I didn't like the thing with the pumpkin at the very end either, I thought it was kind of lame/cliche.

I think what I enjoyed most about this script was the diction, bugger off, sorry mate, bollocks. I wish I was raised to speak proper English...

Overall, I didn't like this that much, the humor didn't work for me, there was pumpkin carving but it was more in the background so I think it only moderately fits the theme.

Nice effort though,

sheepwalker  

This one, eh, didn't do anything for me...Not funny at all, just a couple of talking heads carving pumpkins...I think the root of the problem is the two boys are very flat and dull characters, there's no depth or individuality to them.

They both sound and act pretty much the same.

That's the challenge in a piece like this, to give each character his own distictive voice. They may like to talk about the same things, but with a different perception based on thier personalities, interests and experiences.

One boy might have loved scream because of an intense crush on Neve Campbell, while the other boy might have hated it because the lighting was off or he disliked a song on the soundtrack...

I think I'm with the previous two posters on this one.  Not much for me here.  To me, it read like an alternate version of Clerks, where the conversations about different movies weren't as clever.

I didn't have any problem with your interpretation of the theme, but I think given the subject matters discussed, the dialogue could have been better.

I'm not a fan of this one.

The word "your" was mis-used a few too many times. Some obvious grammar mistakes (ex. "Dunno, somet shit your pants scary.")

A few questions missing question marks, a lot of missing commas, etc.

Not very interesting concept-wise. In fact, was there even a concept? Two people sit, cut pumpkins and talk about horror movies?

I didn't see any real written humour in this script. At least nothing that hit me as an attempt of comedy.

I think this is an Aussie one as well.

It was a nice try and you met the challenge - a bit light on comedy but you made it nonetheless.

I think somet wasn't a typo and that you were using it to indicate accent, but it was confusing and I would recommend using something.

Keep writing and you'll get there.

A lot of spelling mistakes (unless, like mcornetto said, if they were accents, you might want to put some apostrophes where part of the word gets cut off...).

I have to agree, though, Halloween 3 was SO bad. It had nothing to do with Michael Myers so I don't even know why it was made.

Anyways...


...this one wasn't too funny. All they did was just talk about the same thing over and over again and repeated a lot of stuff. I mean, it's a typical conversation in real life I guess, though, it needs to be more interesting. There really is no plot until the very end when the pumpkins start coughing.

Anyways, good job.

Sean

I'd guess it's written by a Brit. I think they meant "summat" as a regional dialect for "something."

I'm pretty sure this one is from a Brit or Aussie.

Some of the wordings just give that away.

This one was another one that is mostly just dialogue. Nothing much going on. The dialogue wasn't that entertaining though, IMHO. Maybe to some younger folks.

The ending was a bit of a let down too.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful or positive. The writing and format is fine, it's just the story that's not going anywhere.

PS. I don't think the title fits at all.

Breathe fire at stupid bastards that get too close.
That should have happened in the action at the end, much more spectacular.

I found this script quite interesting. The twisted humor between the two, using movie titles and explanations for their carving was quite good but it wasn’t a laugh a minute type situation, which it should have been.
You followed this OWC theme.

I believe an Australian wrote this.

Well done!  Consider a re-write; this story has potential.
PS. I agree with Pia - The title does not in any way match your story!

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  7/10
Comedy Structure: 5/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10

Not really funny and I had to keep going back to make sure that the characters were consistent.  There's some differences between the two boys to help tell them apart (John's got the sicker mind), but they both speak with the same voice, which was why I had to keep going back.  There was nothing to truly differentiate them from each other.  It was also very talky, and not much conflict.  Just a conversation about horror films while carving a pumpkin.  Maybe some more could have been done with one boy liking the sister?

The end was totally out of left field.  I didn't get it.  Did the pumpkins come alive?

Well I'm sure that some people find John funny.  Oh my.

What can I say about this?  I like the concept, but not the execution.  Too much "way out there" stuff.

I liked the end though where the pumpkin coughs.

Some notes:

>Traditional kitchen?  What's that?  Maybe leave out traditional altogether.  It's not important.  If there's something important about a scene--to the context and content, then by all means, describe as succinctly as possible.

>What's that film with the pumpkin?  Sounds so vague.  But then again, it just might be the way the character talks so that might be fine.

By page 4, all I know is that John thinks Tom watches sh** movies.

John says, Murderous dogs who sneak into people's houses and suffocate them by sh*** in their mouths.
Tommy says, "You sick bastard."

You know what I thought here?  Yeah, a bad flu's been going around lately.

I didn't find that this went anywhere and I didn't like all the sh** this and sh** that.  

Still, I do feel that if you developed John's character (let him be bad sure, but maybe tame it down some).  I can see him coming up with outrageous ideas and it truly being funny if you did this right; so I don't want to be too critical because I feel that underneath the seeming ordinary, we've got two kids who are definitely talking as kids might trying to think of the next: "Greatest Idea" and that's good.

Sometimes, what we write just isn't for a general audience, believe me, I know about that, and sometimes I try and think about how I can imply things without being too provocative to some people's gentle mindset.  Personally, I believe that what's implied, or what isn't said can be every bit as affective--even more so if done correctly--then what isn't said.

My suggestion:

Tame it, develop the characters more and have another go.

Sandra

I have one thing to add.  Some people didn't "get" that John was trying to come up with wild original ideas.

Yes, I think the title did fit, but you might want to somehow clue "Halloween" into the title such as:  Halloween: Big Ideas 1, 2 and 3...  

Sandra

Like others have said the concept was good, but the dialogue was flat and there weren't many laughs to be had. To make this better the guys really need to get into a much more robust debate about the movies they like and dislike. This would fire the script up with more drama and create more opportunities for gags. It's not enough to just name drop movie titles; your characters need to get into specifics about the movies that are mentioned. The film Clerks has a classic example of this when the guys discuss the reconstruction of the Death Star in The Return of The Jedi.

Hi Alffy,


Thought I'd check this out because you said it had been filmed (currently in post production if my memory serves me correctly).

I have to agree that you can tell that this is one of your earlier attempts- your style is vastly improved now. Still, not a bad effort, and obviously someone liked it enough to produce it, so well done there.

I didn't have any problems with the dialogue, it seemed pretty close to how teenagers would speak, and I'm interested to see the finished product. I would have liked to see a bit more to the ending though.

Craig

Cheers Craig.

I think it should look pretty good, fingers crossed.  I've spoken to the director and it will look a bit different, some animated parts should be added for the more gross dialogue.

This is one of my earlier shorts and looking back now, I think i've improved a bit.  Unfortunately some of my more recent shorts are, in my opinion, not filmable...is that a word?  Maybe I should write something that's easy to film lol.

I appreciated the good feedback you gave on my script, so I went ahead and randomly picked out one of yours to just to check out. After I was done with it, I went to see some of the reader's comments on Original Idea and I was it bit surprised. I'll say this story has aged well from when you wrote it, like a tribute to some classics.

At first, I thought that the dialouge dragged with all of the callbacks, but as soon as the two teens started throwing out some of their own ideas, it went from boring to walking a line a what makes intellegent storytelling.

"Murderous dogs who sneak into peoples houses while they sleep and suffocate them by shitting in their mouths."

This is line of dialouge that sparked the read for me. Not only did it make my laugh, it really breaks the teens away from what they know from these films into inspiration from the films.
Some times during the read, I felt has if they were acting out a more sinster act than just innocently carving pumpkins.

Every part of the pumpkin's features are dissected. Every part an inspiration for your characters to draw from.

The true brilliance was at the end. The two teens carry on and leave their pumpkins behind--their finished work, a blank canvas at first, but before the leave they give it a spark.

And their work comes to life! I really enjoyed this script, at times it could have been this and could have been that, its a great read. I'll be read more from you for sure.

Johnny

Hey Johnny, wow you certainly read an old one here. I just read through the previous feedback and it go down too well did it. I'm glad you liked it though. I'm a really slow writer to so OWC's are always tough for me lol. This short has a certain place in my heart as it was the first to be produced and it came pretty good too. Shame he forgot to add me on the credits.
Thanks for the read, mate. Let me know if I can repay the read.

Quoted from alffy Shame he forgot to add me on the credits.

Seriously?  That's some bull crap.

Is it online anywhere where we can watch it.  (I'll read it before I watch it.)

- Mark

It was vimeo but not sure now. I got a copy though so could send you it. The guy was nice throughout and honestly forgot the credits. He wanted to get it out for a Halloween screening. He did say he would send me another copy with full credits but never did.

That was amazing dude! The ending was the best part, since this was one of your first scripts, how did it feel when you seen it on film? Acomplishment? Judgmental? I'm sure it was a more positive feeling for you.

Did you know that your stamp wasn't on it before you watched it? Not a good twist, hahaha! I read many discussions from other members on how important it is to them to get writing credits, because we are the genesis of it all.

Oh well, I got to hand it to you, a great write sir.

I was on my honeymoon when I got the email from the guy who wanted to produce which made things awkward lol.  I think it came out pretty good and was very pleased to pop my cherry but of course was a bit bummed when there was no credit for the writer.  I should chase it up for a copy with me credited but its been a while now.

Hey Mate!

Certainly one of the better one scene with a kicker shorts I've seen.
The kids actually sound like they're friends.

Next time...
Put your name on the script!

Congrats all the same!

Regards,
E.D.

E.D. thanks.  What's weird is I spoke to the guy numerous times before he filmed it.  He kept me up to date with the progress and even asked my thoughts about certain things, which was nice.  I think it was a genuine mistake that I wasn't in the credits.  At least someone else didn't get my credit lol.
Seems odd talking about this now, almost 3 years after it was filmed.

Hey Anthony.

I read the script first, then I read the feedback you got from when you first submitted.

Is this a revision?  Because honestly, I don't see where others were coming from.  I thought it was pretty funny.  Especially for an OWC.  Even had a clever little set up and everything.

(Though, personally, I would have had them mention the pumpkins coming to life early on in the story, so we have time to forget about it.  Having it at the end like that, then it happening right after, seemed a little forced and contrived.)

While I was reading, though, I couldn't remember which kid was which.  They both have the same voice.  I've noticed this now after reading three of your stories.  Your characters all tend to have the same voice, which I'm assuming is your voice.  Even though you are the one telling the story, your characters are the ones portraying it for us.  They need to all have their own voice.


The children in the film were very likable, and I had no trouble distinguishing them.  I liked the film itself.  I do wish that the dialogue wasn't trimmed down because I think a couple of the funny lines needed the explaining.  And the cuts and the talking and actions were happening too fast.  I'm guessing the director was working to get it under five minutes, so it made it seem rushed, but still enjoyable nonetheless.

Belated congratulations on your first film brought to screen!  (Even though I've already watched 'My Fifteen Minutes'.  :-)

- Mark

P.S.  -  I went to watch this this morning, but it was taking forever to buffer on my computer.  I don't know if it was just my computer or media player, so I waited til I got home from work tonight to watch it.  It's buffering faster, but it still took about ten minutes to buffer and play, then it stopped and buffered again in the middle.

Is this happening to you or anyone else?  Or is it just me and my crap technology?

This is the only draft of the script, Mark. Yeah, I got a bit of a bashing when it was posted.

I'm glad you pointed out that my characters all sound the same, something I need to work on. I thought I did okay on Pub Lunch though, some have said my three protags in that all sounded individual.

I know some things were changed in this due to language and yeah I guess he wanted to keep the running time down.

Cheers for your thoughts.