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Halo Wins by Sandy Beach - Short, Family Horror - A "scary" little girl helps a brainy little worm who has name and gender issues define himself. - pdf, format
I really disliked it first of all. It doesn't meet the challenge at all, as there is absolutely no festival here, and the only horror involved is from the worm's point of view, not the audience who reads this.
I have absolutely no idea what "Halo Wins" even means, although there are a number of references to it in the script. Not sure what I'm missing here, but this is pretty pointless. The humor does nothing for me, either, but I guess ti could be funny to some.
I just couldn't get into this and it has alot to do with the first line.
You introduce us to all your characters like they aren't important. Dad and mom have no look to them neither do the kids. Are they girls boys are they anthropomorphic birds. I don't get it.
That just totally took me out of it and I couldn't really see what you were presenting or really couldn't get your joke. I guess it just was over my head maybe someone else will get this.
I wasn't feeling this one either. The only "horror" aspect I saw was with the crazy girl and the bird (without giving away any spoilers). Plus she gets away with it, which is alarming. I wouldn't want my kids to read something like this and think that was okay.
I didn't really get the jokes, either. Maybe it went over my head as well.
Worms? Isolda and Tristan? Halo wins? I was very confused as to what the point of this story is. Perhaps after the writers are announced you'll let us know?
Hahaha....this is a very funny Halloween themed script. It had me laughing out loud for some of the dialogue.
But honestly, I couldn't comment on how well you fit the challenge because you didn't. There is horror....for the worms, that is, not for the audience. The entire script is a transformational story for Gas....or Isolda, whatever.
It reads well and it can be a nice animated short, but I don't get why this script is in this challenge.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
This is a really clever idea for a story. A worm family that lives in a pumpkin. And I thought the Halo Wins thing was cute.
However, the girl who kills the bird...uh...no.
This could be a cute kids story if you get rid of some elements - namely the girl who kills the bird. The fact that she saves the worms is basically Deus ex machina, anyway. Much better to have Gas save the family - oh, he helps with the halo bit but not enough.
No idea why Isolde and Tristan were invoked in this story but it's a distraction for those of us the recognise the reference because I don't see any similarities.
I think this was a good idea but it went awry, reign it in and you might have something here.
Sorry. I read this twice but still couldn't dig it(no pun intended).
i vaguely see what the writer is doing but even with my twisted sense of humour, i didn't find it funny. The actual writing and formatting were good.
It's good to see all the different takes on the theme, even ones I haven't enjoyed. I'll say it again - this is a tougher one than the music challenge.
As Niles had said, I can see this being like James and the Giant Peach, where when focusing on the worms could be animated, and focusing on the human family can be live action. I don't understand why some people can't figure out that Halo Wins means Halloween, the way the worms say it. It took me a while to figure it out, but only because I was reading it as "hay-lo" rather than "hal-o" (just like the first part of "Halloween"). And even if it's pronounced as "Hay-lo Wins" then still, it's cute and really not that challenging to figure out.
The dialogue was kind of weak and didn't seem so real at some times, and when Angel kills the bird, it's just not natural, even in a movie. You have to have kind of a traumatizing childhood to actually do something like that (just like Michael Meyers in the remake of Halloween).
Though, I did like the idea. It was interesting, but needs to be better executed. Your logline was a bit confusing, as I thought that the girl was actually going to befriend and communicate with the worm (to where they both talk to each other face to face), but it was really just her talking to him, and Gas just goes along with it.
But other than that, cute story except for the bird part.
Rendevous, did you write this? Are you playing games after our discussion on our experiences with worms?
... I don't think you did, but I have to at least express myself in that regard.
Regarding the script itself with no names attached, I feel that you have captivated me with something that I can honestly say that I feel I wrote a few days ago. Like I walked inside of your mind in the cool evening and played a few games and that's what I came out with.
What you wrote, I can relate to. There's a lot of substance here and I enjoy it.
I'd like to come back to this and read it again but I've been on a lot of planes and plunked down in airports and I'm hardly in good condition right now to provide thorough scrutiny. Suffice it to say that YOU are my second read....
And I'll say again:
I have personal reasons for choosing your script up front.
As Niles had said, I can see this being like James and the Giant Peach, where when focusing on the worms could be animated, and focusing on the human family can be live action. I don't understand why some people can't figure out that Halo Wins means Halloween, the way the worms say it. It took me a while to figure it out, but only because I was reading it as "hay-lo" rather than "hal-o" (just like the first part of "Halloween"). And even if it's pronounced as "Hay-lo Wins" then still, it's cute and really not that challenging to figure out.
The dialogue was kind of weak and didn't seem so real at some times, and when Angel kills the bird, it's just not natural, even in a movie. You have to have kind of a traumatizing childhood to actually do something like that (just like Michael Meyers in the remake of Halloween).
Though, I did like the idea. It was interesting, but needs to be better executed. Your logline was a bit confusing, as I thought that the girl was actually going to befriend and communicate with the worm (to where they both talk to each other face to face), but it was really just her talking to him, and Gas just goes along with it.
But other than that, cute story except for the bird part.
Sean
Hi Sean,
I screwed around with "Halloween" too. Actually, not. All Halls Eve or something to that effect is just history. The problem in my script (as usual) is that I'm trying to pack too much in.
In my world, I'm too much in love with the moment and thus I just "go with it". When I do that, I sacrifice because my readers need to go through scrutinies that they usually can't handle. They want to give me a good thorough kick and say, "Get Lost!".
The only answer to this dilemma, as far as I know right now is to
Take one incident within my script, forget the rest, and:
I wanted to read this again and so I did. The whole script is filled with meaning and intricately designed with references to male/female identity, the issue of "what" constitutes "a brain" after all.
Teamwork, as in:
>GAS The only way to survive is to stick together.
Fear, as in:
Scare the people by acting like snakes.
God perspective vs. Devil perspective, as in:
Angel seeming evil when she kills Squawky and yet, from the worm's perspective, she saved them.
Blame issues, as in:
Did the seeds kill Squawky? Or Gas' seed spew and thus the bird choked on the seeds.
Worms vs. people, as in:
The ever-loving opposing factions.
A savior from the other side, as in:
Angel, (the other side) CHANGES SIDES, has sympathy on the worms and thus truly IS an angel.
HALO WINS! Why? Because whoever is the redeemer, they change sides, take on the evil and thus turn the ever-loving wheels.
We have in this both THE FESTIVAL and THE CEREMONY.
Now what's a festival? In its extreme forms it might be the Baccahalian orgies of which Don daintily placed in our minds before the start of this whole thing.
Or, it might just be a nice big fun party with everyone keeping a lid on the Bach. But either way, it's a celebration!!! BIG PARTY!!!!
What's a CEREMONY? Ah!!!! Different animal. It's SOLEMN! There can be no frivolity. It's like an oath in many ways. Or revisiting an oath that was made in the past. And a CEREMONY, if it's like a funeral, is like a culmination and a finite thing that is accepted as END. Wedding vows, mean END to looking elsewhere for your ultimate "one" life partner. Oaths of office, mean an END to freedom from responsibility etc....
I guess a Ceremony could be anything you want, but it's a serious agreement and YOU define the boundaries and the laws thereof.
Yours is the second script I've read and I feel right now, even before reading any others that you have my heart and I will definitely recommend this script.
I feel like this one is strange because it's like a combination of writers wrote this. It's almost as though, Michael Cornetto, Mike Shelton, and Phil and Michel and myself through the method of entering others' brains at night, (but worms don't have brains ) could have written this script.
I will truly be excited to learn the author of this one.
Whoever you are, congratulations!!!!!!!!
I'm really thinkin' RENDEVOUS!!!
But if it's not you my darling, then let's just say that we have ourselves another coincidence!
It's different. I will say that for it. It didn't fit the challenge at all, but I'm not it was really meant to. The girl was horrible. Just horrible. I'm glad gas realized how to save them, but that's about it.
I'll write more like this one and post them on this site. Or... I may turn this one into a feature...and post it here. --No joke, actually I was thinking about a feature and came up with this short and maybe that's why it feels a little crammed... well, just a little though
Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate all of them.
Khamanna
Oh, Sandra, I did want Angel come off multidimensional - thanks for understranding that part. Maybe I shouldn't have
I'll write more like this one and post them on this site. Or... I may turn this one into a feature...and post it here. --No joke, actually I was thinking about a feature and came up with this short and maybe that's why it feels a little crammed... well, just a little though
Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate all of them.
Khamanna
Oh, Sandra, I did want Angel come off multidimensional - thanks for understranding that part. Maybe I shouldn't have
Happy Halloween to all! (ups... almost to all)
I felt and still feel that this is a strong script. And it's even stronger by virtue of the fact that it's an OWC. That's not a long time to work with something.
I would love to see this developed. I get Angel, but I'm weird and get a lot of things that other people don't get; so probably, by my own experience, you could be a little more explicit with her character. I say this because I feel her as existing in that symbolic/literary kind of realm that needs to translate on screen.
I have to really congratulate you because I think you did a really fine job with this. I was never bored and I did not rush through it at all. You are very talented.
This script felt like it was written to be read by a seven or eight year old.
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay. Screenplays are meant to blueprints for film (or animation in this case), but are not meant to be read as children's books. Which is how this read to me.
Original and creative with excellent formatting, but just god-awful prose. Dialogue could use a whole lot of streamlining also.
This script felt like it was written to be read by a seven or eight year old.
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay. Screenplays are meant to blueprints for film (or animation in this case), but are not meant to be read as children's books. Which is how this read to me.
Original and creative with excellent formatting, but just god-awful prose. Dialogue could use a whole lot of streamlining also.
This script felt like it was written to be read by a seven or eight year old.
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay.
-Daniel
Your comment:
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay.
Is way off base...
Fiction? Screenplay? You know and I know that YOU know that a screenplay can be based on reality or it can be purely fictional (but it's still based on reality after all) ...
I think you've been way too hard on this writer and haven't done anything except supplied a negative aspect. I love negative aspects when they serve a purpose, but here I feel like you've just been negative and haven't provided anything positive.
Usually I don't dismiss... I can't say upfront that I'll not agree with any of it. And like I said I'm pretty curious to hear what it is that threw you off. If it was the plot etc - I'd understand.
“A family of earthworms, MOM, DAD, GAS, CHRISTINA and ZEKE gathered for a family meeting.”
This is an awkward introduction. If the characters being introduced are relevant to the outcome of the story, there should be some brief characterization. Your descriptions should be curt and as visual as possible, invoking a sense of time, place, or mood.
Ex:
INT. PUMPKIN – DAY
Pumpkin juice leaks over the heads of a family of earthworms.
They wriggle to the core. Each one nestles into a groove.
PAPA EARTHWORM, thicker and darker than the rest, raises up. He scans his family.
PAPA Where’s Gas?
Up at a hole, peering out into the world, is GAS. The tiniest of the earthworms, and youngest in the family.
PAGE 1: DIALOGUE
In every screenplay you write there is a simple test to see if you have succeeded in creating believable dialogue for your characters. If you can open to a random page and cover up the name of the character speaking…and still know who it is, then you have created believable characterization.
Here is a quick rewrite on the page 1 dialogue.
DAD All right, first order of business is –
MOM Gosh, Charles, always so serious!
DAD They need to learn responsibility, even at Gas’ age… (looks around) Wait, where is he, she?
GAS Justa’ watchin’ lights, papa!
Etcetera, as they say.
Your descriptions should be something which can be seen on screen. And while your story concept should be something which an eighth-grader can comprehend, your prose should be lean and descriptive. It should contain quick characterizations which provide mood and build sympathy with your lead protagonists.
You dialogue should be around one to two lines, no more. I know many will disagree with me and yell at me for adhering to formula, but here’s why. When watching a movie, the audience needs to understand what is happening the first time around, they do not have the luxury that a novel affords – which is rereading passages to understand them.
If you respond well to this critique I would be happy to give you a more in-depth analysis, line-by-line and page-by-page.
This whole story felt very undeveloped, which is a quick fix with some character biographies, plot outlines, and a simple treatment.
Remember, the more work you do before you start, the less work you do in rewrites!
"This whole story felt very undeveloped, which is a quick fix with some character biographies, plot outlines, and a simple treatment"
This is one thing, "bad prose" - another. I don't want you to give me "page by page". I just wanted a few examples - haven't gotten any but a long post about "undeveloped".
You rewrote part of it, substituted my "slimy orange inside" for "Pumpkin juice leaks over the heads of a family of earthworms." --obviously I and you have very different writing style. Which is fine for me.
I'll say just this one - if I rewrite you won't find "pumpkin juice" anywhere in my story.
But thanks for your time. You got me concerned at first but now it's all gone. I'm thinking you didn't like the story and mistook a "narrative" for "descriptive".
Ok read this one to. I have to say there's something interesting about it. There's a creepy vibe, maybe in a Tim Burton sort of way like a poster mentioned before? But I seemed to "drift" a bit at some parts. Again, not knocking it. I'll try and give it another go soon.
“A family of earthworms, MOM, DAD, GAS, CHRISTINA and ZEKE gathered for a family meeting.”
This is an awkward introduction. If the characters being introduced are relevant to the outcome of the story, there should be some brief characterization. Your descriptions should be curt and as visual as possible, invoking a sense of time, place, or mood.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Remember, the more work you do before you start, the less work you do in rewrites!
-Daniel
Hello Daniel, just taking a look at your comments here again.
Your comment on the intros does demand attention. It's so easy for people to write something, have it nailed in their mind, but not on paper. That goes for the whole she-bang of writing and not just character intros, but being meticulous with them is an important hard-line that we need to follow, IMHO.
Coming back to this thread, I don't think it was your intention to be hard on the writer, but yeah, it kind of happened that way. Nevertheless, you are correct despite my wish to be a bit more gentle.
It's such a fine line to walk between nailing it and overkill. I think now is a time to remind writers that they can supply clues to the characters (sometimes) by putting them in their typical surroundings. Also, by giving them lines that tell us what they're made of. If it happens in the right way, then maybe plain Jane/Joe names without context might work, but we have to be careful.
In this instance, I did get that it was from a child's perspective right off, but that's me. I know we always need to be asking, "Is it comprehensible to a wide audience?" "Will they get what these characters are all about?"
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