On the positive side, I enjoyed your description of the bathroom setting in the beginning. I thought it was well done as well were some of the other descriptions even if I didn't get them because they were foreign to me.

Unfortunately this script is very weak in terms of story and character. The first incident with Kevin getting slammed in the leg by Paul is good because it shows they don't get along, but we never find out why Paul is this way to his little brother.

In the second scene, we're inside of an unknown kitchen where two characters, Martin and Alan are introduced. Kevin turns up here as does Paul. I wasn't sure of whose house we were in.

There was a whole lot of boring dialogue that was revealing zero in terms of character.

Here:

>Martin and Alan’s eye’s widen at the sight of Kevin’s
outfit.

MARTIN
That’s class.

ALAN
Yeah, cowabunga!

Martin and Kevin stare at Alan, who embarrassingly looks to
the floor.

MARTIN
You got a mask too?

Kevin rubs the last moisture from his eyes and shakes his
head.

MARTIN
We’ve got ours.

Martin grabs his mask from the work top and proudly holds
it out. It’s a green Frankenstein mask.

KEVIN
Cool.

MARTIN
Yeah, it’s Frankenstein. Show
him yours Al.

Alan reluctantly holds up a children’s Count Duckula mask.

Kevin’s cheek twitches and slowly a smile beams across his
face.

KEVIN

What’s that?
He laughs, Martin joins in the hilarity.

ALAN
My Mam got me it.

KEVIN
That’s the funniest thing I’ve
ever seen.

Alan sighs and twangs the elastic strap in frustration.

Kevin scratches the back of his hand.

Paul enters, his hair stands on end and glistens under the
naked light bulb.

The laughter dies.

PAUL
Hello girls, going Halloweening
are we?

MARTIN
No.

Paul looks at them.

PAUL
Then why you wearing a bin bag?

Martin looks away.

KEVIN
You know we are, so why ask?

Paul opens the fridge and takes out a pint bottle of milk.

He pushes the foil top aside and gulps down a mouthful.

**We need to go through a lot of what feels pointless to get to
where we find out about the man, Plazneck.

Below, is where we are finally "somewhere" meaningful to what
this story is supposed to be about:

>PAUL
I was just gonna say, remember
not to go to...

He deepens his voice.

PAUL
...scary Plazneks house,
muhahaha.

**My suggestion is to consider that every word you put on the page should
count for something and correlate in every department otherwise it
just doesn't feel right.

I really don't know why Martin and Alan exist in this script. Seems we would do
well with just the two brothers since M & A wind up just taking over later on with needless dialogue and spoil the good thing you had going in the beginning.

We get a person named Donna showing up out-of-the-blue at the end of the script. And at this point, I'm wondering about "who" this story was supposed to be about. You didn't clearly define a protagonist really. Well, I'm wrong actually because you did in the sense this story clearly started with Kevin, but then you got distracted trying to write dialogue, but you weren't considering the connection and meaning of the dialogue as it related to the story and characters.

The last line in the script:

>Kevin’s face his covered in hair.

Has a typo which accentuates some lack of care.

I feel the writer tried very hard in the beginning, but then succumbed to what we all fall victim to sometimes. We lose our vision and connection with the meaning of what and why we are writing. When this happens, we create stories with plot, but no character, dialogue without substance, and descriptions with the black stuff that might even be vivid, but ultimately are empty of meaning within the context of the whole.

A very solid effort, I think, for this person's skill level. Keep working.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra A very solid effort, I think, for this person's skill level.

Oh man, that line has made me feel inadequate lol.

Cheers for the pointers Sandra.  I did rush the ending as I wasn't going to make the deadline and I really wanted to post something as I've failed to complete anything for last few OWC's.  I guess I should have just bit the bullet and canned this lol.

Thanks to everyone who read this.

I was a little shocked by that comment also, and DO NOT think it applies at all.

As a matter of fact, I don't think this kind of comment even applies, period.  Basing one's skills and abilities off of 1 rushed script doesn't fly.

I wouldn't take this personally at all, and hopefully Sandra will explain this remark.

Well, I put it in my top 3 anyway, Alffy, because, despite the problem with the ending, I really liked it and felt it was an evocative picture of a UK childhood.

Do you have any plans to rework it after the OWC? Dropping the Werewolf aspect, you could develop an interesting story of a concentration camp survivor's encounter with a young boy at Halloween - point up the difference between the fake horror of the festival and the real horrors of man.

This was a solid effort. A little more heavy than a few of the others in terms of Kevin's relationship with his brother but still grounded in family territory. I liked the whole mystery behind the father and the union between him and his son. I wouldn't say the ending is rushed, per se, but I went along with this the whole time anticipating an explanation for Kevin's condition. It was never met but seemed like it would be explained based on the father's welcoming hand. Disappointing. Still, a pretty clever take on the werewolf mythos. Overall, a good effort. I enjoyed it a lot.

Cheers for the consoling words Jeff lol.

Niles/Simon, sorry I'm never sure which to use, I might redo this and drop the werewolf part.  I think I could develop it into a decent family drama...given time and a bit of effort.

James, cheers for the read and also that you didn't hate it lol.  No really, thanks.  I just ran out of time and pages to really achieve what I wanted to.