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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Mystery of the Haunted Hay Wagon Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - The Mystery of the Haunted Hay Wagon  (currently 2618 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 5th, 2009, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I enjoyed this one. I thought it was a nice tale that showed the jealousy angle with Lauren.

Here:

Here:

>She holds a bunch of roses with a satin sash that reads “Miss
Samoset 2009.”

It was unclear to me if a bouquet of roses were lying around and Lauren had picked them up. Then I realized it was Savanah in the picture.

What I'm thinking now is that since this is a story about Lauren as much as it is the legend and "the strange things happening at the festival" idea, you might like to rework it by showing Lauren and Savanah in some kind of conflict early on.

I notice that in the beginning I was trying to figure out who was the main character: Otis, or George. Of course I was wrong to bother questioning that at that point.

Because of that, I think it would be more appealing to begin this with Lauren. Also, I think that this has all the ingredients of potential to be for children if you cut out the references to Beowulf, for example.

In my opinion this is extremely well done on all counts and I enjoyed reading it.

Good job!!!

Sandra  




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: November 5th, 2009, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Sandra! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I agree with your point about starting off with Lauren, as the story was mainly about her with Otis in a supporting role. Could have started with Stupid Joey agreeing to wake her up after napping in the coffin, then moving on from that.

The Lauren/Savannah conflict isn't real; it's entirely in Lauren's head. Savannah likes Lauren, they just never talked. Lauren was full of preconcieved ideas about her.

If they had passed each other at the fair. Savvy would have smiled at Lauren, but Lauren would have just scowled back, probably making a snide comment to Stupid Joey about how fake she was..

P.s. the sculpture of Grendel and Beowulf was my first professional art sale from High School. I got $25 from the custodian, and blew it all on comic books.

Thanks again!


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 5th, 2009, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Blakkwolfe
Thanks, Sandra! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I agree with your point about starting off with Lauren, as the story was mainly about her with Otis in a supporting role. Could have started with Stupid Joey agreeing to wake her up after napping in the coffin, then moving on from that.

The Lauren/Savannah conflict isn't real; it's entirely in Lauren's head. Savannah likes Lauren, they just never talked. Lauren was full of preconcieved ideas about her.

If they had passed each other at the fair. Savvy would have smiled at Lauren, but Lauren would have just scowled back, probably making a snide comment to Stupid Joey about how fake she was..

P.s. the sculpture of Grendel and Beowulf was my first professional art sale from High School. I got $25 from the custodian, and blew it all on comic books.

Thanks again!


I like the idea of starting with Lauren agreeing to wake her up after she has a nap in the coffin because she's SO BURNT OUT!!!  Go with that! And then lead into a fast-forward with him having forgotten. He rushes! But alas, she's fast asleep and when he gets there. Yes. She's not a happy coffin-camper!!!

I love that idea and can really see it!!! Snoozing in a coffin. Beautiful! If I could just get a normal sleep again, I would gladly lie down in one!!! (Even though I want to be cremated).

Sandra



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