Gary,

I'm glad I unearthed this one from the great Halloween pile.
This is a dense but satisfying read.
I would love to see this expanded into a 20 - 23 page script.
That would be an ideal length for a half hour animated TV special.
The minor sticking points I had with this script have been covered by others.
I had a bit of a hard time envisioning Trellum and Tiberious seemed superfluous.
However, I did enjoy the timely aerial rescue!
I did kinda roll my eyes at Seedspitter crying for help after being abducted.
The abandoned in the catapult pile thing did not do your fine story justice.
I would love to read a new draft of this if it exists. Good show!

Regards,
E.D.

E.D.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this on the portal after about a year in quiet solitude.  Thanks for the read. I see that your reviews are insightful with a few spot on comments - remarkable really.

No, there is not a rewrite of this story. I liked it a lot and haven't had the heart or the time to cut into it. My most funky stories seem to be different, Cumbara, Figments and The Prince of Coal.

I thought about writing another chapter to Cumbara, Maybe this winter.

Thanks for looking at this E.D.

Gary

Hey Gary.

Wow.  This was pretty darn good for only a week's worth.  And that's how you sent it in originally, too!  There haven't been any rewrites on it since, I noticed.  Very clean for the length of time you had to complete it.

There were very good visuals all throughout and I think this would work very well as an animated short.  It's got that cute, children's story quality working for it.

I guess my only gripe would be the dialogue.  (I know.  I know.  I'm finnecky with dialogue.)  Actually, the dialogue started out good.  "No, they’re really not. It’s okay.  I’ll be better when I’m older."  I really liked that line.  A lot.  But then, a lot of it came off too matter of fact and on the nose.  "Hello. My name is Bramblethorn. I’m a friend of Seedspitter."  "Blah, blah, blah. Let go of my dog. He hasn’t done anything to you."  I mean, I'm not saying the rest of the dialogue is bad, especially for a little girl talking, but it's just missing that ring to her words that she started off with.  Hopefully that makes sense what I'm saying.  I'm a little tired and about to hit the hay.  If it doesn't make sense, I can expand on it tomorrow.

I didn't really get the "Oh my God, we're cannibals" line.  That threw me off for a second, and I actually started thinking 'Wait a second, is Molly a pumpkin and not human?  Are all the people in pumpkintown pumpkins and not humans?'  A little confusing there.

But everything else was great.  Had a neat little atmosphere.  I didn't see it as a horror, though, except for the last scene where Bramblethorn's swampy hand made an appearance like every horror movie does.  Besides that, I thought this was a children's adventure.

But good job overall.  I still can't get over that you thought of all of this in seven days.  Tremendous.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for reading this. I view this as my high water point in creativity.

Molly's dialogue was supposed to show her becoming more confident in her self as the story progresses. And the "OMG we're cannnibals" was meant to show that Molly now idenitfied with the Cumbara and couldn't stand to see the pumpkins/cumbara hurt. And a bit of comic relief. Good point though.

The Bramblethorn line was meant to be said in a villainous over the top voice so I missed the on nose part. Again, good point.

And good eye on the last bit w/ Bramblethorn, it was Halloween afterall.

Gary