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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Cumbara Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Cumbara  (currently 4215 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cumbara by Guy Wire - Short, Family Horror - A little girl strives to save the only talking pumpkin from a nasty scarecrow and his rat minions at the annual harvest festival. (Family agricultural horror) - pdf, format


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Rusty Pipes
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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You really captured the spirit of the challenge.  Strange indeed!  Very inventive characters and yet a somehow believable (and well told) story.  The montage of Molly searching for Seedspitter was especially clever.  Nice touch on the ending too...
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was really good. I have no complaints nor suggestions for improvement.

It was well written. Story was interesting as well as the characters.

Good job all around!  


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electricsatori
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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A perfect 10!
You could not have captured the spirit of this competition any better.
I liked the characters - very original.
The concept was unique and had Disney cartoon written all over it.

I was eager to continue reading and thought your pacing was excellent.
The plot was nuanced and filled with tension.

You definitely have a talent for children's stories.

Well done!


DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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James McClung
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Very original story. Almost too much going on here for your mythos. Usually, these strange worlds take some time to settle in. The scale's also a little too big for a 12 page short. Still, for something that was compiled in a week, most excellent. I loved the names and the descriptions of the characters, especially Bramblethorn. Very sinister. I'd suggest you expand this into something bigger. If not a feature, at least a longer short. It's got potential, I think.


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MBCgirl
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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I enjoyed this story.  It's creative and cute...I have always loved animal characters   

Great job!

Morgan


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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stevie
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this had all the essential ingredients for the challenge. the writing was good and it moved nicely.
The setting and characters were different - this would make a good animation.

i had no idea what a cumbara was from the title.    Nice effort.



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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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This is good!  Defintely meets the challenge, also.

Well written, concieved, and very unique.  Obviously, this would only work in an animated film, but there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Only problem, other than a bunch of missing commas, is on page 9, where Molly says, "OMG!"  The way it's written, she's merely saying 3 letters here, which doesn't make much sense.

Excellent OWC entry.  Very well done!

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screen_dreamer
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one.  Very fitting of the challenge.  Cute characters, believeable villain, nice dialogue.  Great job!
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alffy
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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OK who's been smoking the fatty boom batty?  This was excellent and really touched all the aspects of the theme.  It's beautifully written throughout and was very enjoyable.  No real problems with it, well done, great job.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Cam17
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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This was clever and original.  Very good fit for this OWC.  Considering you had one week to piece this tale together, excellent job.  One of my favorites so far.


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Coding Herman
Posted: October 21st, 2009, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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This is quite good. Your script fits the challenge very well and the story is entertaining.

At first I thought this is a weird script with talking pumpkins and scarecrow, but as the story progresses I got more used to them. The ending is both satisfying and troubling.

The writing is clear. I didn't catch any typos.

Excellent job on this OWC!


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 21st, 2009, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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That was pretty good.  I found it kind of dense, so it wasn't the quickest read.  It certainly was creative and it had a cute story.

My only real issue with this is that it seemed to mostly be for the kids.  There wasn't really anything in there for adults to latch onto.

Otherwise well done.

***OO
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Baltis.
Posted: October 21st, 2009, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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This one was recommended to me in a thread somewhere and I forgot about it until it rose to the top of the portal page... So, I wanted to give it a read before I lost it again.

When reading this I instantly felt as if it would be illustrated in animated fashion like those little Halloween decorations you place on your front door. The ones with cartoon witches, pumpkins and scarecrows all over them. Well, I don't but people do... Anyways, I don't know about fitting the challenge... or what not, but I gather, after reading enough of these OWC scripts, that it had to contain 3 things -- Horror - Family and a festival.  On that merit you made it.

It was a bit slow and cumbersome, not because the writing rather because the lack of anything "real" going on. I think it works and lends itself to the overall story, though. I also really liked the use of names within the script... Very original and easy to discern.  

Good read... Solid concept. 2nd best OWC script I've read and that's saying something cos I've read 16 of them and only liked 3 of them. I'll probably read this one again, truth be told.
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steven8
Posted: October 22nd, 2009, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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Tim Burton.  The man to make this on film is Tim Burton.  Ala Nightmare Before Christmas.  Well done.


...in no particular order
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Niles_Crane
Posted: October 22nd, 2009, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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I am afraid I have to be a lone voice against this one, by the looks of it.

I find all this kind of story just leaves me cold - talking pumpkins, animals, all that kind of thing is just one big turn off for me and I found it next to impossible to read this - I am not saying it might not be well written and the above commentators might be absolutely right about it - but if this were a film I would not watch it as it is just not a type of story that appeals.

Given the glowing reviews above, I think this will do very well in the final analysis of this OWC - and my views will (rightly) have little impact. It is all a matter of personal taste I guess.
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BryMo
Posted: October 22nd, 2009, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was really cute and i read it pretty quickly. I liked the pacing and writing was technically really well done. You've got the craft down obviously.

However when it came to the actual story i didn't care much for it. I know a bunch of kids that would go for this while some kids expecting real Halloween horror would be let down. It's really just a matter of taste.

This gave me more of a Disney-esque animation feel than a spooky tale for kids.

Nonetheless, GREAT JOB.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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wannabe
Posted: October 22nd, 2009, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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What an imagination.  I love the names too.  This showed amazing creativity and really met the challenge.

It was slow moving though.  And the story itself could use a shot of adrenaline.  But the characters and setting are very cool.  Nice work!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I wish I would have read this script earlier because all of my later critiques, I think I would have judged against this one.

So far, and I still have several reads to go, this one, in my mind stands above all others in this challenge and I don't say this lightly. There have been many good scripts in this challenge and each with their own unique flavor, as always and I really appreciate it.

This one, however, just really strikes a chord with me for it's creativity and genuinely child-like quality, but also, I think adults would equally love this.

There's only ONE gripe I have with this one. I saw Seedspitter as being MALE. And you have to know why. With THAT, we need a FEMALE in this story. Dun't ya think?

I truly love this story and I offer up great praise to the writer who wrote this. I always like to find the positives in scripts irregardless, but in this one, I didn't have to search at all.

I would recommend this script to anyone.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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I apologize for my short comment, but of the scripts I read, this was the best one.  


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Niles_Crane
I am afraid I have to be a lone voice against this one, by the looks of it.

I find all this kind of story just leaves me cold - talking pumpkins, animals, all that kind of thing is just one big turn off for me and I found it next to impossible to read this - I am not saying it might not be well written and the above commentators might be absolutely right about it - but if this were a film I would not watch it as it is just not a type of story that appeals.

Given the glowing reviews above, I think this will do very well in the final analysis of this OWC - and my views will (rightly) have little impact. It is all a matter of personal taste I guess.


Yes, Niles, it's just a matter of our perception and that really is a beautiful thing. That's why I love getting inside of other people's minds and trying to see and feel what they feel. It's also strange how "we" are always changing and the things we thought we didn't like, change to the things we do.

Don't feel like the odd man out. Your feelings are expressed genuinely and not as any kind of put down and I can feel that. Thanks for honest input and not just getting on some kind of bandwagon which seems to happen around here sometimes I notice, either by accident or just because.   I respect people who are honest like you.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I apologize for my short comment, but of the scripts I read, this was the best one.  


Pia, I agree with you here absolutely. I still have several to read, but I feel very certain that this is one of my favorites and will continue to be.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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FARMERS offer hayrides through the giant maze in the acres of corn. This is nitpicky, but they wouldn't hayride through the maze. They have the people walk through them.

A ten year old would be pretty un-nerved to see a talking pumpkin riding on a trellum; I don't think she would be that matter of fact about it...A five or six year old, maybe, as this sort of thing is a little more familiar on Sesame Street [From which Green Day got it's name]

"--Blah, blah, blah. Let go of my dog. He hasn�t done anything to you." Pretty brave, considering an ugly, swampy scarecrow is holding my dog over the well..

Like her interpretation of the pumpkin slaughter- We're cannibals.

Why would the Farmers run from the rat?. Them redneck boys like any excuse to smash those little rodents.

Neat little legend here with the Cumbara (thought it might be a Native American tradition...Nope. Only this script came up in Google.) Very imaginative, and I thought we might see more of the personification thing this time around.

The minor stuff is some grammatical things and that Molly was a bit unrealistic in her responses to the wierdness, but otherwise pretty solid.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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electricsatori
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Come on, fess up! Who wrote this one?

You know it's eating you up!
The desire to confess burns in your stomach, gnawing at you like hunger, scratching at the door like an orphaned kitten, beating at the walls of your skull like a shadow of a memory of a repressed desire of a ghost to, uh...you get the point, just tell us already.


DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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grademan
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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I will never tell you that I wrote this!  Oops.

Thanks everyone for the reads and comments.

More later.

Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Gary?  Really!  Wow, this was very good!  I voted for this one as #3!  Easily the most unique...realy liked this one!

NICE WORK!!!!

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grademan
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Rusty_Pipes -- Thanks for being the first to read this even though the logline wasn't the best. The pumpkin montage was my favorite part. The ending scene was a tribute to the classic hand-out-of-the-grave scenes.

Pia -- Thanks for the positive comments. In the past, your comments on my scripts have always been honest and appreciated.

Electricsatori -- Thanks for the enthusiastic endorsement of my script. It took me two day to come up with this crazy story. Three days to write and one day to tighten.

James McClung -- A thank you to you too sir. Thanks for suggesting there may be legs to this story. I am not sure I can handle an expanded story at this time but you never  know. I don't know where Bramblethorn and Seedspitter came from but I hope I can find more like them there.

MBC Girl -- Kudos for the "creative and cute" comment. I was going for scary too. Next time. In my mind this started out as a Little Pumpkinhead story but went elsewhere.

Stevie -- Thanks for your continued reading of my scripts. Cumbara is just a word I made up.

Dreamscale -- Thanks Jeff for looking at this. I understand about the commas and went to check them and agree with you - there were a lot missing. I always look forward to your reviews always honest.  OMG! is text speak and ten yr old girl speak for Oh my God!

Screen_dreamer -- Thanks for the comments. I tried hard to make it fit the challenge since in the past I've missed the mark.

Alffy - No I wasn't smoking when I wrote this but maybe you were when you read it? Same result I think. Thanks!

Cam17 - "clever and original" thanks man. Big fan of your work esp. Terms of Endowment.

Coding -- Yup. I can see where a 12 pager like this would be hard to get into. I was worried about that. Glad you stuck with it and liked it!

Mcoronetto -- I was going to enter a review of my own script here until I read yours. I oculdn't have said it any better. It's not the fastest read and it certainly was more aimed at the kids. Thanks.

Baltis -- Much respect sir. A little surprised this was on your radar but thanks for the positive words. Thanks.

Steven8 -- I agree, Tim Burton would be my choice too. Thanks.

Niles Crane -- Thanks for the honest opinion. I knew this wouldn't be everybody's cup of tea.

Brymo -- Yeah, it's been a hard road to start to get the craft down. I've written over a dozen shorts (not all were worhty of posting) before creating this. I just hope it's not a flash in the pan. The Disneyesque comment was much appreciated.

Wannabe -- "amazng creatiivty" thanks! I also agree with the need for a shot of adrenaline for this and most of my other short scripts.

Sandra - You're too kind but I love it! Thanks.

Blakkwolfe -- Sounds like you've been to Pumpkintown? You make a couple of great points. My characters in generel are too calm.  The dialogue you pointed out was particularly hard for me in this one. Next one. Glad you liked it.

Thank you all for your reads and comments.

Gary

Revision History (9 edits; 1 reasons shown)
grademan  -  October 30th, 2009, 12:31pm
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electricsatori
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Quoted from grademan
I will never tell you that I wrote this!  Oops.

Thanks everyone for the reads and comments.

More later.

Gary


Heh heh, nice. Now I've got to go read more of your work.
By the way, this was my #1 vote.



DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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Colkurtz8
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Gary

I've been reading great things about this so I had some high expectations going into it (although, to be honest I‘ve only read two other entries so I hadn’t much breath in my yardstick in which to measure it against.)

I love the “family agricultural horror” tag in the logline.

Great intro with the “all things pumpkin” festival, the different booths, vendors and stalls set up a very interesting (if repetitious ) carnival of events.

This really hits the mark in appealing to kids, the fantastical nature is expertly handled and realized, like something Pixar would come up with. The different characters with their allegiances to one another, their varying strengths and weaknesses due to their physical composition i.e. the shape shifting briar scarecrow with his fearsome minions of swamp rats, the tarantula-like anatomy of Trellum which helps save Muggins from falling down the well is great writing synonymous with these kind of fantasy/adventure tales that occupy the kids section of any book or Dvd store. Complete free rein of possibilities in terms of form whilst governing them with underlying rules and traits which inter relate the characters, both good and evil. These fabrications make for an overall more engaging and involving read.

"Molly bounces and catches Trellum like a rubber ball. Trellum chirps with delight."

-- I don't really get this line, in that I can't visualize what exactly happens here. Doesn't make sense to me, can you explain?
MOLLY
Look, I’m only ten years old. I
don’t know what to do. I think my
parents will be able to help us.

-- Ha, I love it. Such clear, level headed logic for a 10 year old.

Great chopping of shots between the different tables each displaying the savage fervour at which the locals are decimating the pumpkins. Adds a little scare too for you target audience while getting the point across of the barbaric nature of Molly's kind.

The "OMG!" made me laugh too but it probably should be typed as words instead of letters.

Why would Bramblethorn place Seedspitter in the queuing list of the catapult and not be around when Molly arrives on the scene? She's allowed to pick him up and both have a chance to plan their next move before the scarecrow appears again. I just wondered where had he been all this time.

Did he feel his work was done by just leaving the cumbara in the ammunition pile and waiting for the thing to be thrown airborne? Echoes the tactics of your average Bond villain where they ALWAYS leave the scene of their elaborate plan before it has actually killed off James.

That Trellum, what a legend! Saving the day just once is not enough, but twice, right on!

Just a side note, naturally everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I value Niles views along with everyone else's equally but I find it strange how his complaint with this were the talking scarecrow, pumpkins, rats, vines, etc when one of his shorts (a good little piece by the way) "The Ducks Come Out To Groove About" was about ducks doing things that... let's just say, they wouldn't normally do. I don't know why this was such a stretch for him, particularly given its part of the OWC and the theme involved, just struck me as funny.

Anyway, this was very good, rich in imagination, tone and inventiveness while staying through to the theme and genre set out by the challenge. It would make a great animated short film or even a feature if expanded upon. Personally (I know I say this a lot and its easier said than done) I reckon there is a whole other world created here full with wired and wonderful characters to warrant further development. You seem to have a definite flair for it, based on this at least. Lasseter, watch out.

Col.


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grademan
Posted: November 1st, 2009, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Col,

Thanks for the read and the review.

The comment about bouncing a curled up Trellum was to give Molly something to do while involved in exposition with Seedspitter. Plus it gave the audience an opportunity to have fun with Trellum similar to R2D2. There would have been more interplay but the 12 page cap got in the way.

Excellent points about Bramblethorn's plan and the ammunition pile. Another one of the limitatons of the 12 page cap.  Bramblethorn's evil plan is like a classic James Bond movie? Strangely, I am flattered by that.

The Pixar reference. I love Lasseter and crew.

I hope to expand this story but am unsure if I want to mess with it.

Gary

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 5th, 2010, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

I'm glad I unearthed this one from the great Halloween pile.
This is a dense but satisfying read.
I would love to see this expanded into a 20 - 23 page script.
That would be an ideal length for a half hour animated TV special.
The minor sticking points I had with this script have been covered by others.
I had a bit of a hard time envisioning Trellum and Tiberious seemed superfluous.
However, I did enjoy the timely aerial rescue!
I did kinda roll my eyes at Seedspitter crying for help after being abducted.
The abandoned in the catapult pile thing did not do your fine story justice.
I would love to read a new draft of this if it exists. Good show!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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grademan
Posted: November 5th, 2010, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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E.D.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this on the portal after about a year in quiet solitude.  Thanks for the read. I see that your reviews are insightful with a few spot on comments - remarkable really.

No, there is not a rewrite of this story. I liked it a lot and haven't had the heart or the time to cut into it. My most funky stories seem to be different, Cumbara, Figments and The Prince of Coal.

I thought about writing another chapter to Cumbara, Maybe this winter.

Thanks for looking at this E.D.

Gary
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rc1107
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Hey Gary.

Wow.  This was pretty darn good for only a week's worth.  And that's how you sent it in originally, too!  There haven't been any rewrites on it since, I noticed.  Very clean for the length of time you had to complete it.

There were very good visuals all throughout and I think this would work very well as an animated short.  It's got that cute, children's story quality working for it.

I guess my only gripe would be the dialogue.  (I know.  I know.  I'm finnecky with dialogue.)  Actually, the dialogue started out good.  "No, they’re really not. It’s okay.  I’ll be better when I’m older."  I really liked that line.  A lot.  But then, a lot of it came off too matter of fact and on the nose.  "Hello. My name is Bramblethorn. I’m a friend of Seedspitter."  "Blah, blah, blah. Let go of my dog. He hasn’t done anything to you."  I mean, I'm not saying the rest of the dialogue is bad, especially for a little girl talking, but it's just missing that ring to her words that she started off with.  Hopefully that makes sense what I'm saying.  I'm a little tired and about to hit the hay.  If it doesn't make sense, I can expand on it tomorrow.

I didn't really get the "Oh my God, we're cannibals" line.  That threw me off for a second, and I actually started thinking 'Wait a second, is Molly a pumpkin and not human?  Are all the people in pumpkintown pumpkins and not humans?'  A little confusing there.

But everything else was great.  Had a neat little atmosphere.  I didn't see it as a horror, though, except for the last scene where Bramblethorn's swampy hand made an appearance like every horror movie does.  Besides that, I thought this was a children's adventure.

But good job overall.  I still can't get over that you thought of all of this in seven days.  Tremendous.

- Mark


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grademan
Posted: April 29th, 2011, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Thanks for reading this. I view this as my high water point in creativity.

Molly's dialogue was supposed to show her becoming more confident in her self as the story progresses. And the "OMG we're cannnibals" was meant to show that Molly now idenitfied with the Cumbara and couldn't stand to see the pumpkins/cumbara hurt. And a bit of comic relief. Good point though.

The Bramblethorn line was meant to be said in a villainous over the top voice so I missed the on nose part. Again, good point.

And good eye on the last bit w/ Bramblethorn, it was Halloween afterall.

Gary
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