I think you told a touching story.

Too much novel-like description for a script... touching description... makes me feel a little manipulated

I think you could elaborate on the voices in his head, tie them with the encounter in the haunted house.

Presentation is not quite there but you can always rewrite...

I liked that you started and ended with his dying mother - it certainly sets the theme and the tone.

Well. I agree with the reviewers before me. This one needs help to meet the OWC criteria and to keep your descriptions lean esp. that opening scene.

Gary

For the most part, I liked this script.

I think the whole family aspect was holding you back though. I liked the scene in the haunted house just before the girl rocked up... it was great, BUT not really a family thing.

I like how you built the relationship between the characters, and how you built the tension of the monster/whatever it is.

As others have said, some descriptions needed some work, but I think everyone is disliking the script because of that... and they shouldn't. Focus on the story more, I say.

I also like how the monster "taught" the boy something.

Overall well done with this. It wasn't bad at all.

A lot of the time, there are problems with describing things that the camera can't film, but in this way, I sort of liked it. It definitely helps set the tone for what's up (such as describing the mom's cancer. Seems that she has it real bad, so she's probably feeling like shit, and the reader should really know about that).

The writing, I thought, was good, along with the characters. It was actually creepy the way you made the demons present themselves, but really little family horror here, more psychological horror for those of older ages. But you did a good job to keep me interested. I kind of wanted the scene between Cory and the demons to go a bit longer, but with 12 pages, I can imagine it being kind of hard.

Good job

Sean

I liked a lot of things about this one, didn't like some things.

First off, the descriptions go on too long. It's a script, not a novel. Trim them down so you can spend more time with Cory and the demons, which seemed a little rushed to me. What you've got of that scene is good, I would just have liked it to go a little further.

The rest of it I liked. The dialogue was good, nice interaction between Cory and Emily and also with his mother. I liked the message of accepting his mother's fate and not hiding from the "horror" of losing a loved one. Well done with that.

Overall, a very good story written in a not-so-great script. Few quick rewrites and I think you've got a real gem on your hands. Good job!

Hmm...I can't say I like it very much.

First, are you new to screenwriting? You put too many non-visual details in the description that audience cannot see. You might get away with one or two of them, but there are lots just in the first few pages.

Second, your story is....I don't know, feels like there is no direction to it. I didn't get the connection between scenes about Cory and his mother and scenes at the haunted house scenes. It feels more like two stories that got slapped together. Therefore, each of them got under developed. I would focus more on the haunted house scenes and explain what's actually happening to Cory.

But for a tough OWC, it's a good effort.

This was a mixed bag - yes, there's far too much description and "unfilmable asides", but there is definitely an interesting story here and some of the dialogue wasn't half bad.

Maybe this needs to be rewritten outside of the constraints of the OWC and expanded. I felt that trying to fit one idea into the theme of the OWC may have been detrimental to the story as a whole.