Demons by Shaggy - Short, Family Horror - A young teen believes he is being followed by a dark force. - pdf, format

I would have like to see this script more developed...utilize all 12 pages.  When it ended I expected to keep turning the page so you didn't give the story space to "breathe" like it could have.  

It's really a story that can be told outside of halloween...although the "fears" inside creeped him out...it was his fear of being alone and losing his mother that was the driving force of the story.

The story touched me...but left me a bit empty in the end. He could have had more of a conversation with his mom about the demons he was facing/hearing.

I think you should re-work this one.  Be sure to proof...even in the opening title it starts off wrong...

EXT. BEDROOM - DAY
Light shines through the bedroom window. SUSAN HARRIS, late
thirties, lies in a large bed.

It should be INT. Bedroom - Day

Keep writing!

Morgan



Morgan  

This one, unfortunately, did not work for me.

Your narration and description were extremely heavy-handed.  Right out of the gate you tell us that Mom is dying of cancer:

Quoted Text It’s obvious she has cancer, and it’s the worst cancer one can get, the kind that slowly eats away at you from the inside.

As a writer, you should describe things in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  If you didn't mention the C-word, I wouldn't have thought of it.  It wasn't that obvious, and I've had family members die of it.

Have the characters talk about Mom's sickness.  Have them bring up cancer.

The rest of the script is written similarly.  Why his mother calls him Buddy.  Your description of the carnival rides.

The story, in and of itself, is very good.  And I think you should rewrite this. Make it longer and more personal.  Here's a real teen angst story (unlike all of the teen shows on television); you should run with it.


Phil

Nope, can't get through this one.  Like Phil said, the first page is just littered with unfilmable asides that you're telling us...things that we can't "see".

Also, Like MBC pointed out, it's a huge problem when your opening Slug is incorrect.

You may have a great story in here, but most aren't going to get to it when you start out like this.

Sorry...

The opening scene put things under strain immediately - 'its obvious she has cancer'.
Even a medical practioner couldn't diagnose that by looking at a sick person.
Sorry to be blunt but, well, it has to be..

This was a little too dark for family horror, I thought, though the sentiment was nice.
I really enjoyed the dialogue between Emily and Cory though- that was very snappy and realistic for teens.
The overaal writing was good; it just needs to be expanded somewhat, and done as a 'normal' short.
Cheers

The problem with this is that your descriptions are much too expository.  I, myself, struggle with the whole "show, don't tell" thing, but this was just overboard.  Parts of it read more like a short story than a short script.  

The two kids seemed like they should have been older.  Do 14 year old girls really call their boyfriend "babe"?  Some of the dialogue felt a bit flat as well.

The story has promise, though.  Not sure it qualifies as a "family horror", but could be adapted into a drama, maybe.

I agree with what others have said in regards to the descriptions in the beginning, but it didn't make me unable to finish reading it.

Story wise, I think you did well. It was family friendly and had definite horror in it. Horror on two levels even. The fear of losing his mother and the fear of the "creatures/demons" in the woods and at the Festival. So, in my book you meet all criteria.

It did feel like drama when Susan was involved, but drama is conflict and you need it wether you're writing comedy, horror, action or whatever.  

Good job.  

I won't pile on the list of areas for improvement.  There were a few things I really liked.

One is the subtle role reversal - the way the boy becomes the vulnerable character and the girl the strong supportive one.  I thought it was a nice twist on the usual horror genre roles.  It really suggests more of a drama than a horror story, but a powerful one nonetheless.

I also expected a more traditional "scare" inside the haunted house, so the confrontation oby the demons was an interesting twist.  

You have a good story somewhere in here, probably just not best used in this month's OWC.  

Quoted from Rusty Pipes One is the subtle role reversal - the way the boy becomes the vulnerable character and the girl the strong supportive one.  I thought it was a nice twist on the usual horror genre roles.

Oh, you mean the one where a dude kicks Jason or Freddy's ass in every movie... Or how about how the Killer always stalks a frat house full of jock-type guys instead of slutty trash... Don't you just hate hollywood?

Please, this story screams novice... The set up. The writing. The style. The arc in which we're brought to the final conclusion... The naratives and finally cliches. Pass this one, folks.

Quoted Text Pass this one, folks.

It is certainly not right to tell others to skip reading a script.  I encourage everyone to read the scripts and make up their own mind about them.

Quoted Text Please, this story screams novice...

Will the seasoned, professional script writers on the forum please raise their hands.  This is a whole website of novice writers trying to get help from more experienced writers.

While this script had plenty of unfilmable descriptions, it is obvious that it was written with a great deal of emotion.  Perhaps the writer is facing or has faced a similar life situation?

The story was very straight forward and an interesting take on ridding one's self of their own worst fears.  Placing it in the context of inner demons during a trip through the haunted house was a good idea.

Watch your action paragraphs and make sure you're writing visual actions that can be filmed.  This has been discussed to death, and it is okay to break that rule, but it has to be done in just such a way.  Usually it is done right by writers who have learned the basics first.  hang in there and keep plugging away!  

Quoted from steven8 It is certainly not right to tell others to skip reading a script.  I encourage everyone to read the scripts and make up their own mind about them. Will the seasoned, professional script writers on the forum please raise their hands.  This is a whole website of novice writers trying to get help from more experienced writers. While this script had plenty of unfilmable descriptions, it is obvious that it was written with a great deal of emotion.  Perhaps the writer is facing or has faced a similar life situation? The story was very straight forward and an interesting take on ridding one's self of their own worst fears.  Placing it in the context of inner demons during a trip through the haunted house was a good idea. Watch your action paragraphs and make sure you're writing visual actions that can be filmed.  This has been discussed to death, and it is okay to break that rule, but it has to be done in just such a way.  Usually it is done right by writers who have learned the basics first.  hang in there and keep plugging away!

Whatever makes you feel better about yourself, Steve... Did you write this? I just pointed out the obvious faults of one posters notion it was original. It's not. I'm anything but a "novice" writer and I can tell you a handful of really great writers from this site who can stand toe to toe with any 6 figure a year, Hollywood lap dog writing their trash today.

This place is only full of novice writers to the novice who can't discern why their stuff isn't as good.

I don't need to feel good about myself.  I just said what I felt was right, as did you.

Quoted from steven8 I don't need to feel good about myself.  I just said what I felt was right, as did you.

The villain of the board will make more enemies than friends that's for sure... But I'm not half as bad as people make me out to be sometimes. I don't even post in armor anymore.  

I don't think Baltis is a villian, a bit of a bully maybe, but not quite savvy enough to be a villian.  

Anyway, just popped in here to tell you guys to move on.  This discussion should be about the script - as we all know.

I do think there were moments of brilliance in this. Those snatches of pure truth that no one can argue.

The problem in this as I see it is that the "haunted house scene" kind of exists in and of itself apart from the rest of the story. It's almost as though you could draw a big square around it and the rest of the story with the borders of the connection between Cory and his mother, Susan.

With regards to scripting technique, you're a little too much in book mode, but that's OK, it will come.

Cory's "problems" where he thinks he's seeing things, hearing things, need to be exposed in the beginning of this story. Then we can get inside of his head and feel his perceptions as our own. As it is, the dialogue between he and his mother comes off as real, but stilted. You know? Kind of cold? In a way? Like I guess I want to say, that we recognize the situation, because we just know what that would be like, but here, we don't have the CONTEXT.

That's something we all need to work on all of the time I think. Context. Otherwise, no matter what scenario you want to lay on the page, it won't come off at all.

I think you've got a good attempt here. Work more on digging into your characters and they will reveal things to you.

Sandra

I think you told a touching story.

Too much novel-like description for a script... touching description... makes me feel a little manipulated

I think you could elaborate on the voices in his head, tie them with the encounter in the haunted house.

Presentation is not quite there but you can always rewrite...

I liked that you started and ended with his dying mother - it certainly sets the theme and the tone.

Well. I agree with the reviewers before me. This one needs help to meet the OWC criteria and to keep your descriptions lean esp. that opening scene.

Gary

For the most part, I liked this script.

I think the whole family aspect was holding you back though. I liked the scene in the haunted house just before the girl rocked up... it was great, BUT not really a family thing.

I like how you built the relationship between the characters, and how you built the tension of the monster/whatever it is.

As others have said, some descriptions needed some work, but I think everyone is disliking the script because of that... and they shouldn't. Focus on the story more, I say.

I also like how the monster "taught" the boy something.

Overall well done with this. It wasn't bad at all.

A lot of the time, there are problems with describing things that the camera can't film, but in this way, I sort of liked it. It definitely helps set the tone for what's up (such as describing the mom's cancer. Seems that she has it real bad, so she's probably feeling like shit, and the reader should really know about that).

The writing, I thought, was good, along with the characters. It was actually creepy the way you made the demons present themselves, but really little family horror here, more psychological horror for those of older ages. But you did a good job to keep me interested. I kind of wanted the scene between Cory and the demons to go a bit longer, but with 12 pages, I can imagine it being kind of hard.

Good job

Sean

I liked a lot of things about this one, didn't like some things.

First off, the descriptions go on too long. It's a script, not a novel. Trim them down so you can spend more time with Cory and the demons, which seemed a little rushed to me. What you've got of that scene is good, I would just have liked it to go a little further.

The rest of it I liked. The dialogue was good, nice interaction between Cory and Emily and also with his mother. I liked the message of accepting his mother's fate and not hiding from the "horror" of losing a loved one. Well done with that.

Overall, a very good story written in a not-so-great script. Few quick rewrites and I think you've got a real gem on your hands. Good job!

Hmm...I can't say I like it very much.

First, are you new to screenwriting? You put too many non-visual details in the description that audience cannot see. You might get away with one or two of them, but there are lots just in the first few pages.

Second, your story is....I don't know, feels like there is no direction to it. I didn't get the connection between scenes about Cory and his mother and scenes at the haunted house scenes. It feels more like two stories that got slapped together. Therefore, each of them got under developed. I would focus more on the haunted house scenes and explain what's actually happening to Cory.

But for a tough OWC, it's a good effort.

This was a mixed bag - yes, there's far too much description and "unfilmable asides", but there is definitely an interesting story here and some of the dialogue wasn't half bad.

Maybe this needs to be rewritten outside of the constraints of the OWC and expanded. I felt that trying to fit one idea into the theme of the OWC may have been detrimental to the story as a whole.