Definitely for the older age group. Third one I've read though that has more of a plot/suspense/colour etc. I would have ramped up the beginning a bit - nice imagery evoked though and a solid story.

Skeleton-man was creepy, as was Zachary (I wanted more of Zachary btw).  I also might suggest the legend - the actual 'scare part' of the story could be expanded upon a bit too - I think you could have got a litle bit more mileage out of it and less dialogue to do with the Family Cyrus.

There's no Fade In/Out on this one either btw.  Amazing Balt didn't mention it.

Overall, another favourite for me. I have an inkling one of two people who may have written this ... but I could be wrong.

Oh, and the abrupt ending - a throw away line by Dad - I think you could have done something really special here to add to an already pretty impressive read.

Very enjoyable read.

Quoted from LC Definitely for the older age group. Third one I've read though that has more of a plot/suspense/colour etc. I would have ramped up the beginning a bit - nice imagery evoked though and a solid story. Skeleton-man was creepy, as was Zachary (I wanted more of Zachary btw).  I also might suggest the legend - the actual 'scare part' of the story could be expanded upon a bit too - I think you could have got a litle bit more mileage out of it and less dialogue to do with the Family Cyrus. There's no Fade In/Out on this one either btw.  Amazing Balt didn't mention it. Overall, another favourite for me. I have an inkling one of two people who may have written this ... but I could be wrong. Oh, and the abrupt ending - a throw away line by Dad - I think you could have done something really special here to add to an already pretty impressive read. Very enjoyable read.

I was going to... It was in my notes but when I closed the PDF in Corel word my notes went with it and I had to do everything from memory. I also noticed it had no THE END, which bugs me a bit.  But, what can ya do?

Someone ran out of pages here

I was impressed by this one. I usually hate OWC scripts cos' they really suck but this one didn't suck at all. In fact, it hooked me from the start, pulled me right in. The setup was very well done but - like most OWC scripts - it suffers from being too long, the second act doesn't really start until halfway through the script (but It was really well written overall so I'm gonna let that one slide).

Okay, there were a few descriptions the came off a bit bit bulky or awkward. Baltis already mention one of them, the other I had a problem with was this one:

Quoted from pg. 3 They turn around, head back into the interior of the cemetery.

The "interior" part kills it. I would probably have used "heart" in this instance. I'm nitpicking now, I know, and like I said before this was really well written overall.

I think you used Zachary just right. Use him any more than that and you risk making him annoying. I would've liked to have known what he was doing there though, is he just a whino or does he work there like a grave digger or something?

With the genre being "Family Horror", I was thrown a bit by the pot and the horny teens but it worked in itself...even though it's heavily clichéd.

The concert was well done. My favourite part of the script was probably when Billy Ray Cyrus took the stage - and the parents started dancing. I can still picture him with that giant mullet, shaking his huge ass in the Achy Breaky Heart video. Priceless.

Near the end, the script almost fell apart. I say almost cos' you did save it by making it an open ended ending. Okay, it felt really rushed and that was a shame cos' you were doing really well up until then. Guess you ran out of pages.

But overall? Impressive. What actually impressed me the most was probably that, while the setup was very cliché and the characters very stereotypical, I truly enjoyed it anyway.

Cheers
Rob

I thought this met the challenge very well.  Your characters and their dialogue were quite well done - perhaps the best I've seen so far (though there might have been a tad too many for a 12 page script).  

I had a couple of issues with this.  I found the Hannah Montana name to be a bit distracting and you should consider changing it.   Also, sometimes (to me anyway) the dialogue seemed to change from Southern to Hillbilly - unless Hillbilly was what you were going for, not sure.

The last issue was the story.  I just found it kind of light and thought there should be a bit more to it.

Otherwise, great job.

****O  

I still see the opening shot in my mind - really nice, tght description.  Ditto to most all of what's been said.  I was trying to think about how you could have written it without the parents - they didn't do much for me.  But, you were appropriately stingy with their lines and it gave you a closing scene.  Fun to read!

Very good script.  A little on the mature side, with the drugs, wine and making out, but no real gore.  Just good old scary walking bones!

I liked this a lot.  The dialog and story ran true, and the read was very easy and visually pleasing.  

Well done!

It seems that many people have different views on what family horror is.  I think it's something I can bring my 9 year old son to and with the pot smoking and cursing for me it misses the mark.  

I like the idea here of the cemetary and the scary story the old guy tells, then you have the other story at a Hanna Montana concert.  I don't see how the Hanna Montana thing helps the main part of the story.  That just seemed unfocused to me.  There were a lof of characters as well.  

I think if you cut out some of the characters and story line that didn't really help the plot, you'd have more time to end it with some kind of resolution.  Even if you end it not knowing what happened to the kid, the way it is now just seems unfinished.  

File under minor nitpicks: got the withered trees and weathered sidewalks...sounds too similiar, but may not bug anyone else but me...

A recent poll picked Achy Breaky Heart as the #1 most Annoying song of all time. I agree.

Going along at a good pace and...huh? what happened? I'm gonna give the benefit of the doubt and assume there was a glitch in the computer file...Perhaps the car was Tony Sopranoed by Ol' Jeb.

Liked the intro and Zachary was really cool. Goooood character.

The whole festival thing sort of crammed in there to fit the OWC, but I don't think the whole set-up with Hannah Montana was needed for the story- This was about Ol' Jeb and how Chet and Luke were gonna cross 'im. Think just having the boys there with the girls would have been sufficient. Liked how the kids paid them back for teasing by locking the gate.

The drug and alchohol references would hurt this as a family drama, which aren't really needed. You could easily work around that.

While this was very well written,  and a decent story I can't see this being the winner.

It is supposed to be a family horror and yet you have got Billy Ray Cyrus singing Achy, Breaky Heart!! No way, sorry. If I had kids there is no chance in hell I would subject them to the sheer terror of that man, his song, or his daughter.

Oh, yeah, and the pot too. Not really PG stuff there either.

Nice job on the writing but have to give you a massive FAIL for the Achy, Breaky. Oh, and the smoking of doobies.

This one I liked. Wasn't exactly what you'd call scary, but it had good dialogue and some interesting characters, which made the script breeze by.

Why did Chet and Luke talk like a couple of greasy Italian gangsters in a 50's musical? It seems kinda strange seeming as how this is a modern day tale. Not really a complaint, as it gives the script a lot of personality, just something I found curious.  I guess it's the same with Zachary, even though some of his dialogue and characterization borders on racist.

The Miley/Billy Ray Cyrus stuff gave the script some texture, although I can't for the life of me figure out why Hannah Montana and her father would be performing at a small town Halloween festival for apparently no charge. Maybe she does this stuff, maybe she doesn't. I make it my business to not follow her career that closely, but it didn't really make sense.

Other than that, no complaints. You got the Halloween festival in there, some fun horror stuff and some snappy dialogue. Well done.

I thought this was a really nice piece of storytelling. This had a really nice feel to it, and it definitely met all the criteria in my mind. You had some really decent dialouge there and I feel you crafted all of the characters quite well.

I thought the story was a nice little spin on something we might've all seen before. But, at the end of the day, this read really well. I found that it just flowed and that I had a really good feeling after reading it.

My only issues was that it felt like it ended rather abruptly. A little more closure, or something to that extent, could've made this that bit better in my opinion.

But great job, thouroughly enjoyed it.

To whom it may concern

I’ve included some page by page reactions/opinions, etc and technical notes below mainly referring to dialogue and flavour of the story. This will hopefully give you an idea of what I thought about the script as I read.

Overall, I liked it. You ticked most of the boxes regarding the genre and theme, in that all the central characters were young and who more importantly talk and act like people their own age. The set up and story of the haunted cemetery, albeit rather tired an cliché is true to the Halloween stories you see in shows like "Are you afraid of the Dark" (you might see it as an insult but this really reminded me of that show) which are directed at familes/kids audiences.

The concert too and the chosen "special" guests are all appealing to the younger demographic so that was on the money and provided an interesting backdrop to the main story as well as covering the festival criteria of the challenge.

However it is in the main plot that you strayed from the partial innocence that this genre demands. The stark contrast between the bright, happy, hands in the air Hannah Montana gig interspersed with cute, naive questions by an 11 years old to his father about kissing girls compared to the soft drug & drink fuelled sex, (or at least the implication of it) going on in the cemetery between the two 16 year old couples.

The worlds apart subject of the two plots is lessened to a large degree by the wise cracks of Chet and oft displayed naivety of this group of people also. And again that's fine they are only 16, we all had a lot to learn at that age (and still do) my only concern is the conflicting nature of the story leaves it with no set market or audience. Who exactly is this supposed to be directed to? In one way its family (without the horror) with Ricky his sister and parents attending the concert while in another its a more risqué, coming of age tale, with an undercurrent of horror, and the odd sprinkle of humour.

From the get go, I thought this was a very difficult genre to balance, I mean family with horror, you couldn't get more opposing themes unless one is sacrificed to serve the other, namely the horror would have to be pretty tame to fit the bill. In the respect, as I already said, you achieved it through the cartoonish ghost story told by Zachary about the ghost of Jeb, that is family horror fodder right there. Its just the events leading up to his appearance would give the censorship boards something to complain about.

As a stand alone script, its a decent story that works well up the sudden end. (Of course given the nature of the OWC its easy to see what happened there.) In terms of writing its very well put together both literally & structurally . I mentioned some technical issues below but most (as I stated) a purely pedantic hang ups and nothing more, the writing by and large is fresh, richly descriptive while maintaining the right degree of tightness and fluency so not to drag the read.

So, in short; good story, great writing, solid, coherent structure, true characters, murky target audience, unfinished ending.




Page by page reaction/opinion, etc

Aaarrgh, a Billy Ray Cyrus reference, should never be allowed, he is nothing but the leftovers of aborted devil spawn whose unfortunately being allowed to breed and producing that little cu?t (the aforementioned) Hannah Montana. However these are 11 year olds so it figures and I'd be lying if I didn't hum that redneck, cracker tune when it was first released.


Pg 3 - CHET
"I stole a joint from my brother." -- Does he have them pre rolled or what? It would be more realistic if he stole the makings of a joint from his stash or something. Most stoners are inherently lazy so bothering to roll a number of them in advance is not the norm unless preparing for a festival or a weekend away, you know.


Pg 4 - ZACHARY
Y'all should be scared. Devil's Eve
be a scary night in this here
graveyard. Ya best be on your way. – What the fu?k! Has Tanis somehow escaped from the “Soulshadows” realm and morphed into a grizzled old coot lurking Mt. Hope cemetery on Halloween night?? Just kidding, his way of speaking instantly reminded me of her but such is the Southern drawl.  

Are Billy Ray and Hannah known to perform in secondary southern towns like that? Was there a specific reason for you including and working them into the story (except the festival obligation) or is it just because they are popular?

Pg 9 - CHET
You'll like it in a few minutes when
you girls see the little surprise I
brought along. Huh, Luke?

Why is Chet so convinced that smoking a spliff will make the girls less conscious of their spooky surroundings? If anything it will make them more aware of it, you know weed induced paranoia an all that. I can see the logic in his thinking so much that it will relax them into being more “up for it” and they’ll think he’s cool for scoring it,  but in a cemetery, on Halloween night?? I reckon it would only exasperate any harboured feelings of anxiety or uneasiness, especially among two 16 year old girls. But then again Chet is also 16 so its understandable his mind would work this way.

Pg 10 - CHET
There we go! That's what I'm talkin'
'bout. See? What did old Chet tell
y'all? Pretty cool, ain't it? – Regardless of his misguided ideas of a romantic double date and the overbearing cockiness of his action/demeanour since we met him, I loved this cocksure announcement. Totally setting himself up for the big fall I’m sure but I enjoyed this self satisfying statement of grandeur nonetheless.

CHET
This, m'darlin' is the surprise.
Courtesy of my big brother, Toby. – Ha, I loved the use of “m’darlin’” reminds me of the Clementine song. I know this is meant to be a family horror but Chet has made me smile twice within the space of a page, not a bad thing either.

SAMANTHA
I have. We'll be just fine. Fire
that bad boy up. – Right on! Luke is on to a winner there.

The ending is extremely abrupt, as said by others. The page length unfortunately held you back with is one. There is frankly no conclusion here, more of a “to be continued…” moment. Which is a shame as I would have liked to see where this was going.



Technical Pedantry:

A significant amount of ellipses present in the dialogue throughout the script. Something which bothers some but I don’t really mind myself since I do my fair share of it. All in all I thought they were used to good effect and gave that all important sense of pacing and phrasing.

Given that the piece is predominately tension filled with the sense of impending dread, the ellipses do represent the uneasy feelings of the main characters in particular when talking to Zachary (a.k.a Tanis.)


Pg 1 - "A light breeze blows through the almost leafless trees, as the sun sets to the West." -- No need for a comma here, in my opinion. It would work perfectly fine as a continuous sentence.

Pg 1 - "An entrance gate is some twenty yards in front of them...and open. It SQUEAKS, as the wind blows."" -- I was never a fan of ellipses in descriptive, usually I limit it to dialogue but I've thawed out in recent times, good use of it here, which furthers my belief that it can and should be used in action.

Again I don't think there is a need for the comma after squeaks. Maybe it could be rearranged to "As the wind blow, it squeaks." no big deal.


Pg 1 - RICKY
"Shut up! Hannah Montana's really
pretty. I like her, too." -- Same as above, unnecessary comma before "too". If you say the line aloud and allow for a beat before "too" to signify the comma it doesn't sound right.

You got similar character names with Savannah, Samantha & of course Hannah Montana. For a second I thought Chet and Luke were looking to get Ricky’s 6 year old sister and her friend stoned and do nasty things to them in the graveyard. I quickly read back to confirm or deny. Thankfully that wasn’t where the script was headed.

To save confusion it might have been better to differentiate the name more clearly, again a small thing.

Pg 7 – “Savannah nods in excitement and her fear is forgotten.” – I’d take out the “and” here. A comma would read better.

“Can you clarify just a tad?” – Reads very awkwardly, he I talking to an 11 year old after all. The first line is sufficient.

DAD
Really. No kissin' girls, though
yet. – Clumsy phrasing again with the placement of the comma. How exactly do you want it to be spoken? (I realise this is going to be difficult over text) They way the sentence is structured doesn’t read properly to me.

Pg 9 - “Dad spins Ricky in the air.” – Wow, pretty strong father, this action is a little too vague, “spinning in the air could range from a simple twirl to a fully fledged circus trick, you know what I mean? An completely immaterial event in the course of the story, I know, it just stuck me when I read it as I found it difficult to visualise.

Pg 12 - DAD
“Just some Halloween funnin'.” “Funnin”, is that a word? I can gather what he means I just never heard it phrased like that before, maybe it’s me.

i don't see mom and dad loading the kids into the car to see something like this...teenage makeout scenes, smoking pot, guzzling cheap wine...cliched and sophomoric...did't meet the challenge unless your dad's name is cheech or chong...

This is probably one of my favorites. Disembodied skeletons always seem scary as a kid and then not so much. Nice to see one make a comeback and glowing, no less. I also loved Zachary's description of Jeb's "old bones" walking and seeing them with his own eyes. Good stuff. Reminded me of the original Fog, only it wasn't some old sea captain telling the story. This one had a little more pizazz.

I have a feeling I know who wrote this. Drugs, drinking, making out... seems standard if this is indeed the person I'm thinking of, only slightly toned down. No violence or nudity. Whoever this is, I think they did a good job. There's a sense of realism to the cliches. Still, doesn't meet the criteria. Fun... but not for the whole family.

I also thought this ended abruptly but strangely enough, I think if you had ended this with just Jeb's hand showing and the kids running off, it wouldn't worked better, even if it ended up being shorter than usual. Most of the old ghost stories ended this way. Just a sneak peak at the monster and then it's over. It didn't actually pan out this way here but it could've.

Anyway, good stuff!

This was certainly well written, but while the set up was excellent, it all seemed very rushed at the end - it just stops on a word! The "horror" element was fairly weak too, in my opinion.

Apart from the let down of the ending, which really needed more impact, this was nicely done though.