Great job! Really enjoyed this. With out a doubt, one of the best I've seen.
I do sort of lean on the side of shortening the beginning, to allow for a little bit more at the end. However, this is still a superb piece.

I kinda have mixed feeling on this one.

Generally it's good, but I feel the two plotlines don't really connect to each other. They only intersect outside of the cemetery, the characters from both stories don't even interact with each other!

Why do you make another subplot about Jacob's curiosity of kissing girl? It's brought up on one page and then it's resolved two pages after. I just don't get the point of that subplot.

There are too many characters in this short piece. Like 9, I think. The festival is just thrown in and is not tied to the main plot in the graveyard.

Overall, it's one of the better ones, but there seems to be some problems with the story and its structure. Good job though.

Quoted from Dreamscale Ah, now here we go.  Liked this one.  Well written and meets the challenge. Liked the characters and got a laugh with the Achy Breaky.  Dialogue seemed real, and I like the actual locations and southern flavor. Agree with both reviewers that it seems that the end was rushed, probably due to the page constraint.  I do like how it ends, though. Solid effort here.

Sorry Babe, but I completely DON'T AGREE with you thinking the dialogue is real!!!

Ya know. I just love the writer who wrote this. Whoever that might be.   But I think it sucks when people don't think about their critiques and just offer blind praise.

Someone -- I don't know who, (I'd have to check) said that the dialogue was so "right on".

My Dear One, I love you and so look at this to help you:

>SAMANTHA
I have. We'll be just fine.

FIRE THAT UP BAD BOY!"

You have Samantha talking like a MAN!!!! Most ladies just DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!!!

They just don't! I dunno why, but we mostly don't!!! We say things like "PLEASE, CAN YOU DO THIS AND I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO FEEL YOU.... EMOTIONAL THINGS..." ...

So:

**Change Samantha's dialogue.

Women don't often speak this way. Yes, there are some exceptions, but they will often just make gestures, and be subtle and say things like:

*******
"I've smoked it before. I just feel like tonight will be special though."

The reason I say change the dialogue:

I say this because women, I think, from the ladies I know, and myself, we are more intuitive. We depend upon our men to "do these things" but we bring them these "feelings that we generate and can't process without their help".

***To conclude on that thought: Try and get inside of a woman's mind when you write female characters. Women are complicated creatures that have all kinds of reasons for doing the things that they do. (AND WHY THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS IN WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FAMILY HORROROR CHALLENG?)...

My summation, is that you and I have both failed in this challenge for sure. We have not been thinking of 'THE  CHILDREN" and what they would enjoy watching on Halloween". We have slipped into our world of "Depravi....." Cant' remember it or I do not want to." ....

I'm sorry that I'm slow with this challenge, but I'm still loving it and loving you beautiful people!!!!!!!

One final word/words: The writer here, has no problems with structure and getting it DOWN!!!!!!!  They just need to open up and allow for FLEXIBILITY. They have trouble with leaving conventional boundaries and breaking rules... Even though they WANT TO BREAK THE RULES. What happens is they:

Stick with the TRIED AND TRUE and base their RIGHT/WRONG morality scale on something they conceived in their early life and sadly, they are having trouble getting through it.

This is an excellent script!!!! But I know that the Writer is capable of SO MUCH MORE!!!!

Love, (Here goes the honey and syrup, but I can't help it, sorry)

Sandra

Being a writer who likes to use pop culture references in my writing – I will defend your use of Hannah Montana.
And while, yes, it could easily be replaced with a generic version, not enough can be said about marketing (yes, even in a script) to spice up its commercial appeal and salability – (I’m definitely gonna have some dissension here)

The father and son conversation on page 7 was very heart-warming and came off as genuine.

I have to agree with the majority of opinion, the drug references screwed up the tone of this piece.

Overall, the set-up was natural but the ending was a let down. It ended too abruptly

The writer has a solid grasp of their fundamentals. But, what contributed to the abrupt ending was a lack of proper formatting. No FADE OUT, no denouement, it definitely felt like it was taken from a longer piece.

-electricsatori

Since the writers of the OWC entries are being revealed today, I decided I’d jump the gun a bit early.  I want to thank each and every one of you who read and provided feedback for my script.  It’s nice to see that most of you liked it.  For those of you who didn’t like it, expect a “trick” this Saturday night, that may be hand delivered by ol’ Jeb himself.

For the longer reviews, I’ll respond directly, but I want to take this opportunity to provide some back-story that may answer some questions posed, as well as a few other pieces of info.

As most noted, this was a tough OWC, as “family” and “horror” just doesn’t usually go hand and hand.  For some crazy reason, I immediately thought of Hannah Montana, and decided to integrate her into the script.  Originally, she was going to be the focus of either an alien abduction or a kidnapping.  Neither idea seemed to work, and I decided to keep her and her Pops, Billy Ray Cyrus, along for the ride anyways.  I did some research on them and wrote my story around that.

Mylie Cyrus currently lives in Franklin, Tennessee.  She was born outside of Nashville and grew up around this area.  That’s why she and her Dad are giving the free concert on Halloween night.

The information given by Zachary about Franklin’s history is all true.  The story of ol’ Jeb is purely fiction.  Franklin was ravaged during the Civil War, and is said to be the site of the bloodiest 15 minutes in American history, when the Second Battle of Franklin took place in 1864.

Mt. Hope Cemetery is 1 of 3 local Franklin cemeteries.  Jim Warren Park is an actual 58 acre recreational park in Franklin and has hosted big name concerts in the recent past.

Franklin, being just 30 miles south of Nashville, is in the heart of the old South.  The dialects of the characters were meant to embrace this, without going overboard.

I wanted there to be a believable back story for ol’ Jeb, and I wanted it to make sense why he was coming back when he did.  Franklin was founded in 1799, which didn’t quite work with any multiples to the present 2009.  So I had Jeb born 10 years later in 1809, and now had some nice multiples to work with.  I decided to go with a 50/50 multiple, as that seemed to work the best.  Jeb was killed when he was 50, in 1859, and he comes back every 50 years on that anniversary, Halloween night, meaning he’s been back in 1909, 1959, and now again in 2009.

The story starts out on October 30, the night before, which is why Zachary isn’t worried about being in the cemetery.  Originally, Zachary had a partner in Abraham, and they were both cemetery workers.  Due to page constraints, Abraham got cut out of the story, and Zachary’s employment remains up in the air.  I’d say he’s basically an old drunk now, as apposed to a cemetery worker.

I wanted to include some innocence as well as some not so innocent stuff.  As it became obvious I was running too long, I had a choice of either cutting out Ricky and his family stuff, or chop the ending a bit.  In wanting to keep things “Family Oriented” and PG13 rated, I chose to keep Ricky’s stuff about “kissin’ girls” over a chase scene with a violent outcome in the finale.  Actually, things end pretty much how I wanted them to, but an additional page sure would have helped and would have gotten rid of that “sudden” ending feeling, it now has.

I know a bunch of you said this was in no way family friendly material, based on a few things.  I disagree, and here’s why.  “The Goonies” is a classic family friendly film that borders on horror (due to the skeletons and even Sloth’s appearance).  If you haven’t seen it lately, you may be very surprised at the amount of swearing and adult themed jokes and gags.  To be a “Family” friendly theme, it has to appeal to the entire family.

In my script, there were references to smoking pot, but there wasn’t a hint of actual onscreen burning.  There was some underage drinking as well as two 16 year old couples making out, but nothing that a PG 13 movie wouldn’t contain.  No violence either, and a good message thrown in as well.

The making out was all tied into the question Ricky asked his Dad about kissing girls, as well as Jacob telling Ricky he had kissed a girl.  IMO, it was done in a family friendly kind of way, in that you just knew it wasn’t a good idea for those kids to do what they were doing in the graveyard.  An innocent spin on the “Rules” of horror, as told by the characters of “Scream”.

Although Chet and Luke were best buds, Luke was nothing like Chet.  He was much more of a follower, and was a much better person than old Chet.  Chet was the bad boy with a bad reputation.  This fact was brought up and played up earlier, but had to be cut out, again, due to page restraints.

Chet was indeed killed by ol’ Jeb and taken back to the grave.  This would have been shown onscreen if I had an extra page, but in thinking back about it, it may have made this pass into a non family friendly film if it was included.  The final scene with Ricky’s family driving home from the festival was supposed to be the final scene, as I wanted to tie Ricky back into the story.  Things started with Ricky and ended with Ricky.

Hope this adds a little, makes sense, and answers some questions.

Thanks again to all who participated in this OWC!

I had a sneaking suspicion it was you, Jeff, despite your claims of not having made the deadline!

When are the writers being revealed? - I thought it would have happened by now. I had thought we'd get more opportunity to speculate (we did in August, didn't we?) - and I wanted to see who wrote mine!

The only one I think I know, other than Sandra, who admitted it pretty quickly, is Alffy, who wrote "The Boy Who Cried" (I think!).

Until it is officially announced, I ain't saying which one is mine - just in case we do still get the opportunity to fling wild speculation about.

It's supposed to be today, Niles.  That's why I revealed.  Hope I'm not too far off.

Glad I fooled you with me missing the deadlien gag!  Had to try, at least...

Just wanted to say that you did good with this one, Jeff. Would like to read a "complete" version of this script - without the page restraints.

Hey Rob, I think a rewrite would be 13 -14 pages.  As I said, I really did intend on ending it the way I did.  There would be a bit more in the cemetery with the 4 kids and Jeb, and possibly a bit more in the actual festival.

Not sure I am going to rewrite it though.

Glad you liked it!  Thanks.

Jeff's pulling your leg again!!!!   I wrote this.






...teehee

What - didn't you write the one with the Killer Roos!!!!

GoreGore84 has revealed he wrote "Mayor Vamp", and Screenrider never made any secret of the fact that he wrote "Weclome to Hale". So that is, with Alffy and Sandra. what, five writers out of 29 we know about.

I would be very hard pushed to tell you who wrote the other 24 (apart from mine, obviously!) - I wasn't very good at it during the August one either!

I was really looking forward to someone speculating that I'd written "Mayor Vamp" or "The Boy Who Cried" or something! I don't suppose anyone would care to guess which one I did write? I don't think it would be very difficult to pick it out, really.

Quoted from Niles_Crane What - didn't you write the one with the Killer Roos!!!! GoreGore84 has revealed he wrote "Mayor Vamp", and Screenrider never made any secret of the fact that he wrote "Weclome to Hale". So that is, with Alffy and Sandra. what, five writers out of 29 we know about. I would be very hard pushed to tell you who wrote the other 24 (apart from mine, obviously!) - I wasn't very good at it during the August one either! I was really looking forward to someone speculating that I'd written "Mayor Vamp" or "The Boy Who Cried" or something! I don't suppose anyone would care to guess which one I did write? I don't think it would be very difficult to pick it out, really.

Just randomly, I'll go with "Bleeglebork". =)

You'd get a shock if I said you were right, wouldn't you!

Quoted from Niles_Crane You'd get a shock if I said you were right, wouldn't you!

You mean after a random guess based on a title, rather than not reading it yet? Yes. But, I'm sure I'm wrong.

Jeff

I don't know for sure, but I reckon if pot is brought up and referred to such affection as Chet does it wouldn't pass for a family film.

Unless you had some forced moral where smoking pot is really baaad, effects your decision making when negotiating a 100 year old ghost or fu?ks up your lungs so you can't run away from the said spectre, then maybe... But here the group are about to toke when the scene cuts…when we return they are getting down to business, so far so good, right.

Now Chet does complain of his “head spinnin” but its put down to him drinking the majority of the wine, not smoking the joint, that’s not mentioned again so I take it they enjoyed that particular vice.

All in all its more their brazenness of being in the cemetery in the first place that lands them in trouble not so much the drinking and to an even lesser degree the smoking. That’s why I reckon (of course I could be way off) the censors would have problem with passing this as a family drama.

Sandra – “Someone -- I don't know who, (I'd have to check) said that the dialogue was so "right on".

In my defence, I was referring to the sentiment of the line, not the believability of it. I liked the attitude of the girl and was thinking Luke was on to a winner with her, she seemed like she would be up for a good time (I am of course talking from the perspective of a 16 year old here, please, don’t report me. I've coincidentally just read "Lolita" and have it lying by my bed so a lot of explaining would have to be done if the authorities did call)

And for the record, I know girls (of my own age, I may add) who could easily say that, in playful gest or whatever. I don’t think its an entirely implausible thing to say by any means