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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Ghost in the Graveyard Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Ghost in the Graveyard  (currently 6484 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to reply to Sandra's post later, as I completely disagree with her assessment of the dialogue, or what girls would and wouldn't say.

Col, you're right, I know and have known many girls of varying ages that have and do say things exactly like this.  Sandra is living in a different world up there in beautiful Alberta, Canada!

Col, the thing about a "family" rating is that there isn't one.  A family film would have to be G, PG, or PG 13 rated.  This is defintely a PG 13 rated script.  There are many, many references to drug use in PG movies...sometimes, they're even onscreen.  Again, check out "The Goonies" - there are multiple references to drug use.

In no way am I trying to say smoking weed is OK at any age, but in this regard, Chet stole the joint, and obviously stole a bottle of wine as well.  The other kids may have partaken, but it was Chet who was the ring leader, and it was Chet who paid the price at ol'd Jeb's skeletal hands.

What comes around, goes around!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Ya, I suppose it depends on where you are from in terms of the parental guidance ratings. But you must remember that The Goonies is nearly a quarter of a century old now and is commonly cited to as one of those dark "kids" films that seemed to  slip under the censor's radar at the time, even though Speilberg co-wrote so I don't know how. Ya, your script is pretty harmless in that department in comparison but I still reckon it could be borderline.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ya, I suppose it depends on where you are from in terms of the parental guidance ratings. But you must remember that The Goonies is nearly a quarter of a century old now and is commonly cited to as one of those dark "kids" films that seemed to  slip under the censor's radar at the time, even though Speilberg co-wrote so I don't know how. Ya, your script is pretty harmless in that department in comparison but I still reckon it could be borderline.


It didn't really slip through as much as it seems. At that point, they had PG-13, so if it had been made in '84 or earlier, it would've slipped by even further. =)


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Ol' Jeb's bones come a walkin'

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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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I'd agree that this would probably fall into the PG-13 realm. Jack Black's classic School of Rock has a drug oriented scene...Besides, at 13, in my opinion, parents need to be talking to their kids about abusing drugs and alchohol, cause it is certainly around them in middle school.


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steven8
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Blakkwolfe
I'd agree that this would probably fall into the PG-13 realm. Jack Black's classic School of Rock has a drug oriented scene...Besides, at 13, in my opinion, parents need to be talking to their kids about abusing drugs and alchohol, cause it is certainly around them in middle school.


I was in Middle School in 77/78, and boy was there drug usage around us!  Across from the Middle School was an alley by the pizza shop, and every day in 77, before school, that alley was so full of smoke it wasn't funny!  We must have been one of the first 'just say no' classes, because when we became the 8th graders, and the previous class moved up to High School, the alley was empty every morning.



...in no particular order
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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I graduated High School in 81, so it was 75-77 when I was in Middle School.  There wasn't much drug use in Middle School, but in High School, there was defintely some.  Not as much as you might think, though.  I, of course, was an innocent one.  Althought I did "try" pot in High School, it wasn't until College that I first got "Stoned".

And...yes...the rest is history...

  
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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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I'm outnumbered here, Jeff so I have to concede that this would qualify for the appropriate rating thus meeeting the OWC challenge. Maybe its the burgeoning conservative coming out in me, got to control that beast.



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Colkurtz8  -  October 28th, 2009, 4:35am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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I wanted to address a few of the more in depth reviews, so here goes…

BALTIS
Thanks, Balt for the solid and well thought out review.  Glad this worked for you.

Good points about the sun setting stuff.  It is redundant, and an entire line could go there.

Chet, Luke, and everyone are talkin’ Southern style.  It is set in 2009 on 10/30 and 10/31.  These here are good ol’ Southern folk.

BTW, I absolutely LOVE Eddie and Iron Maiden…still to this day, one of my all time faves!  Just damn good music.

You’re right, Balt, the ending was a bit abrupt but there really isn’t much more to the story. I’d just add about a page, page and a ½ and have a little more fun in the cemetery with Jeb terrorizing the kids, and taking Chet back into the grave with him.

Thanks again, Balt.  I appreciate it.
.
LC
Thanks Libby!  With an extra page or so, you would have gotten your FADE IN, FADE OUT, more Zachary, more of the legend, and more action in the cemetery.  The last “throw away” line is from Mom, and refers back to watching scary movies.  I actually wanted it to end on a joke, to keep things as kid friendly as I can get.

ROB
Thanks, Rob.  I appreciate the read as I know you’re not a big OWC guy.  Yeah, I did run out of pages.

Good point about the interior of the cemetery. I actually remember thinking about that phrase and not really liking it.  I didn’t really like the whole Slug about the “Central Mausoleum” either.

Originally, Zachary had a partner in Abraham, and they were cemetery workers, but Abe got cut and Zachary turned into an old bum, basically.

I actually wanted to use clichés, but use them a bit differently.  Glad they seemed to work for you.  

Yeah, I definitely had to include Billy Ray and his Achey Breaky.  I got a good laugh as I wrote that part.

Thanks, Rob.

CORNETTO
Thanks, Michael.  I can’t change Hannah Montana’s name, as obviously everything’s set around her and her home town of Franklin.  You are aware of who she is, right?  When I first read your review, I wondered if you thought I just made up that name.  Funny…

Thank you to everyone else who read and commented as well!

Sandra and Col will get their won responses since their reviews were the longest.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 6th, 2009, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Jeff

I don't know for sure, but I reckon if pot is brought up and referred to such affection as Chet does it wouldn't pass for a family film.

Unless you had some forced moral where smoking pot is really baaad, effects your decision making when negotiating a 100 year old ghost or fu?ks up your lungs so you can't run away from the said spectre, then maybe... But here the group are about to toke when the scene cuts…when we return they are getting down to business, so far so good, right.

Now Chet does complain of his “head spinnin” but its put down to him drinking the majority of the wine, not smoking the joint, that’s not mentioned again so I take it they enjoyed that particular vice.

All in all its more their brazenness of being in the cemetery in the first place that lands them in trouble not so much the drinking and to an even lesser degree the smoking. That’s why I reckon (of course I could be way off) the censors would have problem with passing this as a family drama.

Sandra – “Someone -- I don't know who, (I'd have to check) said that the dialogue was so "right on".

In my defence, I was referring to the sentiment of the line, not the believability of it. I liked the attitude of the girl and was thinking Luke was on to a winner with her, she seemed like she would be up for a good time (I am of course talking from the perspective of a 16 year old here, please, don’t report me. I've coincidentally just read "Lolita" and have it lying by my bed so a lot of explaining would have to be done if the authorities did call)

And for the record, I know girls (of my own age, I may add) who could easily say that, in playful gest or whatever. I don’t think its an entirely implausible thing to say by any means


Yes, you're correct. It's not implausible by any means. Some women will speak like that. The thing is, that I know Jeff. And I'm hearing Jeff. Now, if the character was written to speak that way, that's a completely different thing.

I find it even interesting that a single character can fall completely out of their own character at times and why this happens. I'm speaking in real life. It's actually very very interesting.  

Fire that bad boy up!  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Yes, you're correct. It's not implausible by any means. Some women will speak like that. The thing is, that I know Jeff. And I'm hearing Jeff.


-- I thought the whole point of the OWC was anonymity? That scripts would be judged purely on merit and nothing else. Which, by the way, should always be the case regardless of who wrote them.



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Colkurtz8


-- I thought the whole point of the OWC was anonymity? That scripts would be judged purely on merit and nothing else. Which, by the way, should always be the case regardless of who wrote them.



Silly Wabbit. Wouldn't release the name unless I knew the names had already been released or if the person was outed already.   In this case, the names have already been released.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Sandra

Apologies if I didn't explain myself more clearly. But the point I'm trying to make is that your judgement on the authenticity of the dialogue used was influenced by your prior knowledge of the writer's identity, not that you had given it away.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Sandra

Apologies if I didn't explain myself more clearly. But the point I'm trying to make is that your judgement on the authenticity of the dialogue used was influenced by your prior knowledge of the writer's identity, not that you had given it away.


It is not a problem. This indeed might be a bit of a problem for Jeff at times, because I've seen it happen in other work also. We all do this sometimes and sometimes it's legit and good to do so, all depending upon the character we're writing.

The truth is all characters are very different as we know, even as many of us are stereotypes in some form or another, there are certain things that make us who we are. So I guess what I'm saying, is when we write a line of dialogue or a piece of action, we need to be writing from a point of view of context, and certainly, without that, we wind up missing an essential ingredient.

I don't think it's a problem unless we aren't actively seeking to enter out of our own individual comfort zones. I would like to try to do that myself. We shall see how it pans out in the next project that is yet to take lift off.

Anyways, good work, Jeff. I'll offer a bit more:

I think here:

>CHET
Let's hear it, old timer.
Zachary takes another slug.

ZACHARY
Well, back in 1809, Abram Maury, the
founder of Franklin, had a bastard
son out of wedlock, named Jeb. The
townsfolk wasn't too keen

***Zachary begins too easily and swiftly.
I'd like to see Zachary, begin from a
bit of a moment of recollection. I'd like
to see him in more of a character role, rather
than just "telling" the story that we need to
know.

I understand we're dealing with space issues, but
I thought I'd offer.
In my opinion, after giving this a second read, I feel that if you lost some of this:

RICKY
Dad...can I ask you a question?
Dad smiles down, as he pulls out sodas and sandwiches.

DAD
Of course, you can, son. What's up?
Ricky shifts uneasily from foot to foot.

RICKY
Well, I wanted to ask about, uh,
kissin' girls...like when is it OK?
Dad laughs out loud and rubs Ricky's thick head of hair.

DAD
Huh? Where's that coming from, sport?
Can you clarify just a tad?
Ricky looks up nervously, rubs his eyes.

RICKY
Well...Jacob told me he kissed a
girl and said that I wouldn't know
how to do it. I was just wonderin'...

DAD
Listen, son, when the time is right,
you'll know it. Doesn't matter how
old you are or what your friends
tell you. You'll know it, and you
don't need to worry about anythin'
that Jacob or anyone else says...OK?

(Which there's nothing inherently wrong with it) but you could concentrate more on Chet and Luke.

Maybe show what happened to old Jeb rather than only by telling it through dialogue. To see that happen, would generate a sympathy for Jeb, and maybe when Jeb comes back, it's for people who are disrespectful of the dead or something like that. I don't know, but this story needs something else to make it rise above cliché.

No big problems here. I'm just looking for us all to dig as deep as we can.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 9th, 2009, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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OK, guess I need to respond here.

First of all, thanks Col for sticking up for me here.  Sandra, not that it matters, but since I PM’d you, asking for a read, you were definitely aware it was my script you were reading.  Would you have known it was mine on your own?  Who knows…a few SS’s did seem to pick out my style.

I’m not sure exactly what you mean, when you say “This indeed might be a bit of a problem for Jeff at times, because I've seen it happen in other work also. We all do this sometimes and sometimes it's legit and good to do so, all depending upon the character we're writing.”

Are you saying that my characters always sound/seem the same?  I’ll be the first to admit that some of my characters are much alike, but I do not agree that it’s a problem or that it’s something I can’t deal with.  In the case of this script, all these characters were Southern, and spoke in a slang I have personally never used before…so I’m a bit confused exactly what you’re saying.

As for “actively seeking to enter out of our own individual comfort zones”, again, I’m a bit confused.  I definitely write about what I like and characters that I would like.  I don’t see that changing and I don’t see it as a problem, either.  As apposed to staying within a comfort zone, I’d say it’s more like the age old adage, write what/who you know.

Much of Zachary’s dialogue had to be cut out due to the page constraint, as I mentioned earlier.  Zachary’s character, sorry to say is exactly that…he’s here to tell the tale, and there simply wasn’t any room for him to be any more.

The entire thing with Ricky and his Dad is because Ricky is the main character.  We start with him and we end with him.  The world here, for the most part, is through his young, innocent eyes.  I realize this is not standard structure, but I doubt you’ll ever read a script from me that is.  I like to write outside the box and always try to give a script my own unique twist, per se.

I wanted to show Ricky’s little slice of life and weave in a family friendly tone, while still involving some scares, some swearing, some teen sex, drinking, and drug use.  Actually Don, hit the nail on the head when he said decided to let his son read it, because there was a moral about what happens to those “who are bad”.  That’s definitely why Chet got killed and the others escaped.  Chet was the “problem child”, and for that, Chet paid with his life.

I didn’t want there to be any real sympathy for Jeb…more like fear.  Once again, didn’t have room to even consider “showing” what happened to Jeb, as apposed to using Zachary to tell us.

There are indeed many clichés here, as I mentioned earlier.  They were purposely used, but used in a way that I think is a bit different than what you’ll usually see.  Obviously, it didn’t work for you, and I apologize for that.  I always do try and dig as deep as I can.  I think I’m most likely digging in a different quarry than you are, though, Sandra.  And that’s OK, right?
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