I will echo a word others have already used... cute!

Not  really my cuppa, but then family horror isn't really anyway. Nicely written, believable characters and a short that no doubt kids would find enjoyable and a little scary maybe. The stories were actually a bit meh, but at the end of the day this is targeted at a young audience so not so much of a problem there.

A solid entry for the OWC and you met the conditions perfectly.

Nice one.

I didn't get a chance to critique any of the last OWC, so vowed to this time. This is the first one I've read, so here goes.

set up, locations and characters - Fine! Nice touch with Jacob and the pumpkin.

The boy with his father - worked really well. We all want are kids to think we're a hero.

We don't have racoons in the UK, but I get the idea about masked little furry thieves.

The three hooded boys motives - one loses his girlfriend and...  Sort of OK.

"SCAREGROUNDS"  Again OK!

This piece met the conditions set down, in that it qualified as an extremely light family horror that the whole family could watch. It was well written with identifiable characters. So... well done.

Unfortunately the crux of the actual story and indeed the ending, were pretty much lost in the confinement to 12 pages. The story was so watered down, it became almost non-existant.  Damn shame. A little more meat and this could have been an enchanting little short.

If I was scoring this out of 10. I'd probably have gone for a 7 and that's only because it was well written.

If it makes you feel any better, I had lonely young girl, that none of the other kids like, befriends an eight foot spider theme going. The twelve page restriction killed it dead. God help me... I have no dicipline.

Still enjoyed this.

Ok short.

Some typos here and there.

Hasty ending.

What was "the top" again?  As I was reading it seemed like to come out of nowhere.  Was it a shirt?  And the treasure?  What kind of treasure?

and I wonder if three 8-year-olds can fit inside a coffin. =P

Didn't like this one as much as some of the others here.  The story just seemed to have no focus as you kept cutting between these storylines.  Keeping track of all these different characters became a chore.  And, the tension never grew, IMO.  

The boys' dialogue in the haunted house about getting payback on his b*tch girlfriend and the a-hole mention definitely pushes this one out of the Family Horror genre.

You did make an effort to meet the rules of the challenge, at least.  

The teen boys cursing sort of threw this out of the family category.  

there were a lot of characters and two stories taking place at the same time.  A bit much for 12 pages.  The haunted house story didn't have any tension because we knew who the masked guys were.  and the other story, the villain ended up being a raccoon...so for me there really wasn't any horror.  

Maybe some more focus on one of the two stories would have helped.  And you didn't reveal that the little monster was a raccoon until the end so why reveal the teen boys so early on??

This is the 29th and last of the OWC entries that I have read.

First of all, it is nicely written and enjoyable.

But, in no way could this possibly be described as a "horror" story - family or otherwise! The figures in black hoods turn out to be kids, the furry creature a raccoon - there is absolutely no supernatural element at all.

I kept expecting some twist at the end, where this nice ordinary family would turn out to be real monsters, or something - but no, it just ends on a joke like some kids sitcom.

Real let down, as the writing was above average.

Pity.

Well, pinch my cheeks, this is as cute as can be. (No sarcasm intended.)

The writing is crisp, the characters are authentic, the structure reveals a story well told. But, it's hardly scary story.  Where are the strange things? What's frightening?

A little too Hallmark for me. Family, yes. Horror, no.

I think this script has many quality attributes especially the location idea with fairgrounds being scaregrounds. That's excellent! There's no doubt in my mind that this one has solid potential, but I'm supposed to try and be critical; so I will be honest in where I think it lacks.

Certainly, NOT in the actual story department. This works 100% because the idea of kids getting caught in the knowledge of someone else's devious plan is a good one and even more so, horrific, I would think - for kids to be locked in a coffin.

The problems I see have to do with who you chose to focus upon and when. When I started out the read, I actually made a note that I thought Taylor Manning should have been introduced in the scene along with Jacob. But then I thought, yeah well, maybe not. Taylor could have just stayed home with good ole Dad while Mom and Jacob picked up groceries, but anyways, that's what I was thinking.

It only became apparent to me later on, that the choice of focus for the beginning of this story feels a bit off to me and the reason is: that I felt that when Samantha appears, she really is the character that I want to know about, care for and she feels like the driving force in this. This dialogue:

>SAMANTHA
(gravely witch's voice)
If I offered you a juicy apple you'd
eat it, wouldn't you, my pretty?

MACY
Na-uh. No, I wouldn't. I don't
like apples, not even when they're
coated in caramel. So there!

*Is really excellent I thought. I felt it
rang completely true and we could feel
Samantha's personality coming through
even underneath the witch costume.

**As I continued on in the script it was becoming
more and more clear, that this script is more about
Samantha than anyone else.

Taylor just seemed to be a girl who existed there
and I started thinking it would might be better to
show the two girls, Samantha and Taylor, together in
the beginning, all excited about Halloween and WHAT
they were going to do rather than
begin with Stephanie who really doesn't do anything for
the script.

The Peter/Jacob scene at the "fishing booth" felt a little
off to me somehow. I thought it felt more "placed" to be
a breather in action, but it didn't really add any action.
I didn't feel this story was about little Jacob yet time was
spent on showing this. I like the idea of the three boys
and their evil plan, but when the word "asshole"
was used, I thought, that's not really children appropriate,
although I know children today are exposed to so much
more, but still, I thought that way.

I LOVED SAMANTHA'S DIALOGUE HERE:

>SAMANTHA
We're going to tell on you stupid
boys! We heard everything you said!

Again, it's just another reason why I think this script should
be geared with her in mind.

She was the excitement in this script. When that curtain
is pulled down, it was really visual and was an "oh no!"
moment.

I think if you replaced the Jacob/Peter story with the
"evil boys" in the beginning, and their whole role as
might even having thin connections with the girls,
it would provide more suspense. Like you know, if
the girls were maybe a teensy bit frightened by them,
earlier before Halloween and then Samantha STANDS UP
to them in the Haunted House.

If you did this, I just think it would be more focussed
and you could work more with character development
rather than trying to work two plot lines in 12 pages.

I hope this helps. Good work!!!

Sandra

I thought this story fell a little flat.  It did meet the requirements for the OWC, but the story didn't really go anywhere.  I think you should've left the little girl's story out and concentrated on the boy's story.  The raccoon were a good idea and worhy oif its own story.

It might be just me, but the little seemed very articulate for a three year old.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe It might be just me, but the little seemed very articulate for a three year old.

He's one of those Hollywood three year olds! He's clearly related to the six year old in "Welcome to Hale"!

Okay...everyone is doing it...so I will too

I know...I know...I have a hard time writing horror, as is obvious in this short little piece.  I really do have a difficult time with that.  That out of the way....

I specifically wrote this for my kids and grandkids. (I just became an official grandmother on May 3rd.) I wanted a family story that depicted their true life style and where they live, which is VERY rural.  You have to take a ferry to get to their island and the house is only found after driving down a very long dirt road from the main one.  It snakes through tall fir trees and then pops out in a clearing on five acres.

The raccoons are little bandidts there...as they often take things and eat the dog's food from the porch. " That little mystery, I understand was a subplot, but I wrote that for Jacob who is now 5 months. Maybe he will appreciate that part of the story when he is 3.  I'm sure he will pat his pumpkin twice for good measure someday!

I purposely did not write his lines like a little child but in truth...Taylor talked like that when she was 3.  In the rewrite I added some slurrs and such , along with a nice, back-of-the-hand, slober wiping.

This was simply meant to be a fun little family script with a tiny raccoon mystery and some bad boys being awful.  Taylor started off being a scaredy-cat when she was 7 and the truth is...she is still a scaredy-cat at 8 and that was her big admittance...which it's totally ok to be scared...everyone is at some time in their lives.  

I appreciate each and every critique...like it or not...I get what you are saying.  For that I have rewritten this...taken out characters, shortened portions to allow more time for suspense and better resolution.  I'll submit it for a short and if interested you can read it there.

I essentially wrote the final 6 pages on the Friday of submission and didn't have a chance to proof or mull it over...so I get what I got for critique...but at least I turned something in

You're all terrific!  Thanks for reading.

Morgan

Here's my little Family in the story: Peter, my son (Frankenstein's Monster), Stephanie my daughter-in-law (Beautiful Fairy Princess),  Miss Taylor (The Ballerina) and Sweet Jacob (Robbin Hood)

What a beautiful family!!!  I love that you wrote this for your family.  That's a great story in itself.  

I agree, indeed a beautiful family for sure!

I also thought you did a great job with the challenge.  Sure, the story may have fallen a bit flat, and there were defintely times that it wasn't focused and even a bit confusing, but in the end, it was a cute take on the theme and by definition, it hit on all marks.  There were indeed "strange things going on at a Festival", and it was defintely a family oriented script.  The few swear words were not an issue, IMO at all.

I look forward to the rewrite.  Good job!

Nitpicking: The CARNIES should be capitalized, as your're introducing them as characters, and they are folks the casting director is gonna need to find.

Suggest breaking up some of the descriptions. Keep 'em short and sweet.

"The amber, filtered light of the sun sneaks through the swaying branches of the tall fir trees that line the wooded road." is a bit heavy. Suggest reading the sentence aloud, and if you run out of breath, might want to break it up a little.

"Festive pumpkin lights strung everywhere, splash orange light over the fairgrounds." doesn't sound right grammatically. Suggest Festive pumpkin lights are strung everywhere and splash orange light over the fairgrounds.
That keeps your subject (Pumpkin lights) in proper relation to the action (Strung, splashing orange light.)

Same with GHOULS AND GOBLINS; should be capitalized. Macy and Samantha, already having been introduced, doesn't have to CAPS next time she appears.

"Mom... I'm not a baby anymore. Last year I was only seven and now I'm eight. I promise I won't be scared." Really like this line. Sounds like something an eight year old would say. Age appropriateness in dialogue has been a real stickler in this challenge, but so far this dialogue sounds pretty good in that regard.

INT. HAUNTED HOUSE - CONTINUOUS...The action just switched from the fishing pool back to the haunted house. Continuous might be used if the camera were following the girls out of the haunted house (the INT shot) then straight to the FRONT PORCH (The EXT shot)- According to Trottier, it's one scene following another immediately, without any lapse in time.

Pity those poor carnival goldfish;

Had a lot of characters, some of whom could be thinned out a bit.  I think the main problem is the raccoon subplot. The main conflict, I think, was between the three girls and those mean boys in the haunted house.

Kind of alluded to some payback action, " you boys will pay!" but nothing really happened. I would have liked to have seen them hatch some plan, maybe getting Peter, dressed as Frankenstien, to freak them out.

Also, the boys being the main antagonists, suggest giving them some names, as opposed to first boy, second boy, etc.

It's a bit disappointing to see them get away with treating the girls like that; locking three little kids in a coffin is a pretty serious matter, and the punishment should fit the crime.

In addition, how did the little girls get out of the coffin? Did they hear the Attendent (who would likely have been dressed in a really scary costume himself) and he let them out?

Enjoyable story, good dialogue, especially on the kids. Nice Job!