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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  You're Antisocial - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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Spqr
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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1. An inciting incident that led to her extreme state would have made a good scene.
2. How long has Ala had this condition? She's in her late 40s, so I would think she could have come up with a better way to deal with her neighbors.
3. Her neighbors are criminally nosy! She should report them to the police. That would make her situation worse and increase the tension.
4. For neighbors who came to welcome her to their neighborhood, they don't seem too interested in getting an ambulance for her at the end.
5. Her phobia sounds more like anthrophobia.
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Huidong
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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The writing here feels cold and stiff. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't really think it works here. The dialogue also feels very forced and unnatural. And like everybody else said, the formatting is a no-go, so maybe try using a free screenwriting service. Not terrible, but could use a lot of work.
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Picked this one...because it was the second one down the list I had not read yet.

Lots of typos and such here. I'm suspecting a newbie writer, possibly even a non native English speaking person. If you are a native English speaking person, then...your grammar is crap, sorry to say. No worries though, that's something that can be learned.

You have two different houses where scenes in this story take place. You need to differentiate between them in your slugs so we know which house the scenes take place in. INT. ALA'S HOUSE - DAY and INT. MARY'S - DAY.

You don't need to write MORNING and LATE MORNING in your slugs. Just write DAY or NIGHT and follow with specific times in your action paragraph.

INT. ALA'S HOUSE - DAY

Rays of early morning sun blah blah bla...

Vanilla envelope? Pretty sure that's supposed to be manila.

Lots of things of that nature to fix. Those are easy fixes.

The story itself, does not work as is, IMO, but it's not a bad start. Ala has a fear of people. Nosy neighbors decide to forcefully find out why she's so strange. They enter her house as a group uninvited. Ala can't handle this and dies from a stress related heart attack.

That's an okay start. How you tell it, needs some work.

Good luck.  


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Cooper
Posted: October 27th, 2017, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the title....

Serious issues is in the script. I'd start with using different software.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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