Bone Tomahawk was all about a cannibal tribe, not a burial ground with spirits/ghosts.

Quoted from JEStaats Bone Tomahawk was all about a cannibal tribe, not a burial ground with spirits/ghosts.

Opening scene of bone Tomahawk, bandits trying to escape have to go through a burial ground, hear some kind of high pitched cry. One gets slaughtered, one escapes.

I did say that this was just with the undead as opposed to cannibals.

At the end of the day it’s just my opinion, but I literally watched this about two weeks ago and it felt very familiar.

Wiki: "In the 1890s, two drifters, Purvis (David Arquette) and Buddy (Sid Haig), are making a living robbing and killing travellers. Spooked by the sound of approaching horses, they hide in the hills and encounter a Native American burial site. Buddy is killed by an arrow, and Purvis escapes."

… and then goes to a bar and… RIP

Congrats on completing your script.  Here’s my two cents:

I love a good western.  My biggest bit of constructive  criticism  would be that none of what you have here is particularly original and all feels like stuff we’ve seen before.   I liked much of the dialogue.

This is one of my favorites.

Ghostie

Very nice. The writing had just enough flare to it to not be boring or too difficult to read, a balance many writers struggle with. The dialogue overall worked for me. Some think it sounds too modern but I have listened to a good deal of dialogue in western films and it's not really that different. If people in films spoke the way they really did back then, it would be nearly impossible to understand so writers tend to fudge it a bit.

My only real complaint is the phobia didn't seem to be a very big part of the story, which it should be in a contest about phobias. Yuma seems to have the biggest phobia of cemeteries and he's the one that leaves the others. Then he becomes one of the ghost spirits when he went around the cemetery area. Would the story lose any meaning if he was just a greedy man and killed Tico without being a ghost?

The title page was a minor nitpick. The rules clearly said to leave writer's name off so I prefer to see scripts written by those who do follow all of the rules but everyone makes mistakes sometimes.

Three men on horseback ride recklessly, hell-bent for
leather, through the ravine followed by a cloud of dust.
Their attire and menacing appearance hints that they've been
up to no good. They're bandits. -- Have to say that I didn't like the descriptions here. I thought it should have been mentioned closer to your first like that they're bandits without the attire and menacing appearance bit - when you mention bandits we get a straightforward visual scene without having to explain it twice.

JAKE
Yuma, how many and how far? - this seemed OTN to me only because Yuma was just speaking. Yuma's name is the only thing that is off putting said in that way. On the other hand, if you put his name at the end of the sentence, IMO, would have worked better.

JAKE
Chicken shit. Heh, heh. -- Nice, I liked that.

It's twilight now. -- Jeepers that day went fast. Twilight: ï¿¿the period of the evening when twilight is visible, between daylight and darkness.

Why is the back of Yuma's head missing if he didn't go through there?

I'm a bit torn with the ending; I liked the whole morning rises and ghosts be gone type idea, but I also liked the thought of the ghosts disappearing because Yuma is going to be the one to kill him - though it wasn't his idea to go through the grounds so maybe there should have been a switch of character here and Jake was the one to reap Yuma's revenge - IMO, that would have worked better.

All in all, thought this was good. Does need some touch ups here and there. As for phobia - hmm, not really. You could have really drawn that out with Tico as they were going through it.

RJ

Damn good tale. Well written, great descriptions, and a satisfying ending.

And interesting setting for your script.

It felt very much like a segment in an anthology film. The bandits go to the cursed graveyard and there is something supernatural waiting. The script is very well written, but never really went off the course I was expecting. Still, it would make for a nifty short film and there'd be lots of potential for a good director to highlight his style. Good job!

I'm finding the dialogue here really OTN and basic. You could probably spice it up a bit.

I really like the scene descriptions, really atmospheric. However, I don't think the phobia
was explored all too well.

I liked Yuma killing Tico at the end, good touch.

This is actually one of my favourite scripts here. I liked the setup, plot. it was good but sometomes the dialouge just feels awkward and more like narration "Go quickly, yet quietly... "
review not that bad.

John,
     Good job with this.  I'd like to see you play more with the phobia.  I'd like to see you expand the story.

Perhaps have his friend struggle to not kill him at the end, but, he has no choice.  

Dive into the horror of the cemetery more.  Show us the bones close up.  Let us feel the horror.

I'd take out stuff like establishing shot.  It isn't needed and frankly wanted in a screenplay.  Writers write and directors direct.  He might want to open on the horses and then show the terrain.  

The complaint of day - night - dawn so fast is valid.  You have a 10 page story, yet, 10 hours pass by.  Time isn't fluent.  Perhaps let the graveyard be time displaced too.

Otherwise, it's good.  I don't like westerns overall, but, this was solid.  

You know what might make it better?  Make the guys more like-able.  Perhaps make them good, or something else.  Why do we care for these guys?  In the end, they all die, and should I care?  Now, if they steal to pay for something for a loved one, then we can root for them.

Hope that helped.
Dan