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Damn Your Eyes by Anonymous 7 - Adult, Short, Thriller, Horror - A scopophobic recluse finds his quest for answers takes him closer to the truth than he ever expected… 9 pages - pdf, format
Scopophobia - Fear of being seen or stared at by others
Sweeping over a leafy suburban neighborhood. Focus on MR CLEAN, late 30s, sponging down an SUV in his driveway. A voice track can be heard in the background - like a radio broadcast. A heated, angry tone. PRE-RECORDED BROOKES (V.O.) ...Tyranny people, the death of free will, that’s what it’s come to. State, local, federal - forget it. There is no distinction... Pan across a road to a front yard. GREENFINGERS, 40s, hair tied back, kneels as she weeds a garden border.
A few issues right off the bat. You have a focus on and a pan across, camera directions aren't your job.
No need to tell us a voice track can be heard. We will know it can be heard the minute it plays because we will be hearing it.
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The same voice MUTTERS over the radio broadcast.
Again, no need to write this. We would know it's the same voice. You are just taking up space.
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Greenfingers glances our way, casual.
Whos way? Don't write a script like you are talking directly to your audience, just tell the story.
Some good visuals but overall it was like a psychedelic conspiracy rant that made no sense and therefore I didn't care for your character at all.
I think we need to be introduced to Brookes before his message starts to broadcast.
I was totally thrown by "Pre-Recorded Brookes"...I didn't have a clue what you were talking about.
Overall, the story reminds me a little of "Bug". That crazy paranoia.
I quite liked it as it is. It's got a nice kind of Stephen King vibe to the ending. I feel like it needs to go further, somewhere to really hit the spot, but I don't know exactly in which direction.
If it were me, I would open with Brook. The PRE-RECORDED BROOKS VO was confusing for me until we got to the scene with Brook and I am not sure what the difference is between pre-recorded and recorded or just voice from a recorder.
Anyway - the opening was confusing for me but once we got to Brook I got it.
Much to like in the writing here. I'd probably lose some of the camera directions as they really aren't needed and serve to distract.
With the effect you are trying to pull, it would be best laid out in a series of shots then we see Brookes holding the binoculars and looking out the attic window. In film, unless you are directing, you don't get to choose the camera directions.
Not a fan of the bold slugs, but that's just me.
He finds a trail of dried blood on his ankle, frowns, traces it to a marble-sized lump on his shin. An eye blinks through a magnifying glass. At his desk, Brookes hovers the lens over his leg, inspecting the lump. He prods it - soft. -- It's things like this that make me think that you have a vision in your head of the way it should play out on camera, but haven't quite figured out how to put it on paper yet.
The next binocular pov is better set up because we already know he is sitting there looking through them.
I think you have a nice little horror in there, you set a good tone for Brookes' paranoia, but your screenwriting needs a little tweaking - you're almost there, but not quite.
You've done this before, I can tell, call me Poirot.
Straight away I was worried with this one. No obvious pace changes in sight, just a constant build of slow burning paranoia. I really shouldn't have been worried, however.
The plot was dark, and the paranoia (which in lesser hands could just be irritating) was well crafted and real. The phobia, real, and you've got a rest in peace chucked in their too.
It read well, very well, and even though the weird ending bits are something that would normally ruin a piece for me, they really worked and were well described.
Hey. THanks for entering. The beginning of it was a blast. The middle and the end - allegorical? (or allegoric? - I don't know the correct word here)
Then suddenly I started thinking it's you who has that phobia, you are a prototype for your Brooke! And you are scared that they are watching. They are watching, aren't they? This is real. Wow.
I'm okay with the use of POV and the recorded Brookes and I think I know what you were intending, so I'll let the formatting issues slide (as long as you take the others comments seriously).
I liked this a lot. I like Brookes' paranoia, the banter with the courier, and the set-up. With a rev or two, you'll have a really nice short. I hope to see what you do with this.
A cool little story. Kind of reminds me of the EG Marshall segment in Creepshow, with eyes instead of cockroaches.
I liked how the character is almost an Alex Jones type dirtbag who, I believe, is destroyed by the drugs he's taking (much like the drugs that Jones pushes on his show).
I would have like to see a progression of his sickness though, rather than it happening all at once at the end. Maybe give the audience a bit of a chance to see him as something more than a kook before it all goes to hell.
I liked this, a nicely paced, escalating horror. I used to think characters like Brooke were stereotypes taken to the Nth degree on the paranoia conspiracy theory scale, but with all I've seen in the last couple of years I know these people really exist! I even know a couple of guys who are straight up normal guys, but get them talking about conspiracies and they go Twilight Zone very quickly and totally believe every word of even the craziest theories.
Anyway, a few formatting issues and needs a polish but this is a good horror. The little touch at the end is a classic double twist.
One of my favs!
-Mark
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I actually really liked this one. Brooke's ramblings, while eventually getting tedious, were quite interesting. I feel like this kind of writing style might turn a lot of people off, but it works for me. Also, this was not at all predictable. Didn't expect that ending, which was a plus. Good job.