Yo uh, really did a number there at the end.

I enjoyed everything except for the hyperbolic teenager talk and the unfocused ending.

Teens don’t have to talk like a stereotype, even if they are a stereotypical stoner teen. They missed the nuance of individual personalit to such a degree that all the asshole stoners might as well have been one character.

This isn’t much of a bid deal, but cannabis seemed like a poor choice of drug for kids this violent. Alcohol would be a much better lubricant for their kind of behavior. I appreciate the shout out to marijuana, but it isn’t the right story for it, not a big deal.

What happened at the end? Too many people doing too much for no reason. Things went too far too quick.

That all said, I was really enthralled in this. I was enjoying every moment, even the parts I got confused. Tighten up the end and the dialogue and this is a really great and scary piece. I love the realism that hid behind the guise of a ghost story feeling, but at the end there was actually some supernatural mojo going around. Nice.

Love the Maniac Cop reference!

A nice little horror story that goes from zero to one hundred at the end. It kind of happens so fast that it is very easy for the reader to lose track of what is happening. However, it could really work once it's filmed, it adds to the chaos. It almost seems like a feature film compacted into a short one. It would be cool if you expanded it and gave it a little more time to breathe.

Great job.

Wisconsin... makes me think Jeff might be the writer here. Until I opened the script and saw the title in bold letters!!!  Jeff would never do that!  

I thought this one started out well, but as they moved along into the house, not only did I have a hard time keeping track of the characters, but all the rooms and doors too. To be honest, I had no idea what was going on in the last 1/3 of this script.

I didn't understand what was going on with the extra wide smiles and the floating across the floor. Was that just Trinity's imagination? I don't know.

The only suggestions I would have here is to make it a little easier to follow as a reader. Maybe fewer rooms and maybe have characters' names be a little more different from each other. No problem with Susie and Trinity, but Ryker, Jake, Mike...

Well written, just a bit hard to follow.  

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Even read one writer believing this had been written by a newbie. I can see why. It really is that bad.

You should be ashamed of yourself writing shite like this when you have the nerve to belittle the efforts of others. I can see why you prefer not to enter these things anymore... you really should have stuck with that this time around. You've done yourself no favours posting this crap to the boards.

Later, newbie.

I should've knows with the Wisconsin thing that this was yours Jeff! I will admit ...the title thing though would've kept me from believing that!

Good job.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Even read one writer believing this had been written by a newbie. I can see why. It really is that bad. You should be ashamed of yourself writing shite like this when you have the nerve to belittle the efforts of others. I can see why you prefer not to enter these things anymore... you really should have stuck with that this time around. You've done yourself no favours posting this crap to the boards. Later, newbie.

Dustin, before I thank everyone else, I want to thank you, as your feedback is so helpful (and funny that you dug up that comment about this having to come from a newbie).

I always appreciate how you follow my posts and writings so closely.  It makes me feel so good to know you care so much...almost like a really ugly dog that you can't stand that keeps following along, pitifully.

But, I'm unsure if you actually read my script, because you didn't say a single word about the actual script or the writing contained in the script.  Maybe you could spend 4 or 5 hours and dissect it, and include pictures like you did once.  That would really be great, Dusty, as your opinion and feedback is so very important to me.

I can't justify the kind of time it will take to dissect your script. 4 or 5 hours is being very generous... try quadrupling it. There's at least $500 of editorial work there.

So, no long review, but here's a pic that pretty much sums up how I feel about this story:

Quoted from DustinBowcot I can't justify the kind of time it will take to dissect your script. 4 or 5 hours is being very generous... try quadrupling it. There's at least $500 of editorial work there. So, no long review, but here's a pic that pretty much sums up how I feel about this story:

Classic.  Thank you for your insight.  As always, it is most helpful and appreciated.

Sorry Jeff, didn't mean to label you as a newbie. If you were trashed when you wrote this, as you had previously suggested, then this would explain the confusion.

Quoted from RJ Sorry Jeff, didn't mean to label you as a newbie. If you were trashed when you wrote this, as you had previously suggested, then this would explain the confusion.

I will comment on the writing and intent, as I always do, as soon as I can.

BUT...

I will say now and again later, that I do not understand why anyone or everyone was confused with what happened in the last few pages, nor do I see how anyone could confuse this script with that of a "newbie".  As far as I can see, there are no real mistakes that are common in a "newbie" script.

I actually look forward to Dustin, the editor, showing me the error of my ways.

Not my best, but I will stand  by this as a good script and one that meets the  parameters and  really tried.  Sorry for those that disliked or hated this entry.

Righto then.

Quoted from Dreamscale I will say now and again later, that I do not understand why anyone or everyone was confused with what happened in the last few pages, nor do I see how anyone could confuse this script with that of a "newbie".

I don't think it is correct that you write like a newbie, I think it's that you write like a juvenile and the two things are being confused. To me, it seems like the rest of you has aged, but your writer's voice has stayed forever 12.

One thing to note when arguing over a script or resorting to personal attacks. It makes the script appear to be one of the most popular in the OWC as it has more, fresher comments and therefore gets more views.  Indeed this has had 540+ views by now and keeps on appearing at the top of the list. It's a win-win for the writer! Food for thought.

Jeff, I do stand by my review. This one started out quite intriguing but it really gets confusing later on and goes quite nuts. I'm sure a polish can smooth it over but if you think it is OK as is, that is of course your prerogative as the writer.