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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Art of War - OWC Moderators: SAC
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  Author    The Art of War - OWC  (currently 2052 views)
ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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The Coca Cola (capitalized) dress makes for an interesting visual.


Quoted Text
Okay[,] Frank...


If Solo is the brand name, it needs to be capitalized, as Coca-Cola above.

"(Beat)" isn't needed.

Neither is "(in a pirate accent)." We get it.


Quoted Text
INT. DEED RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Sam cracks the door to a bedroom.


Redundant.


Quoted Text
[It's] distant and barely audible


Multi-word adjectives need hyphens.

TIL what a kitchen island is.


Quoted Text
Halloween [decorations] that can go
on hiatus.



Quoted Text
He breath[e]s deep



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Acting quickly[,] he unties



Quoted Text
tares tears


Lots of exposition. Cut it down. You can easily remove the fourth sentence. It sounds unnatural.

I didn't get the title and was reluctant to read your script because of it. Overall, it's not bad. Just a little tune up. Good job on entering.


FADE IN:
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mmmarnie
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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This was good. Writing very easy to read. There were quite a few typos but nothing so glaring that they took me out of the story.

I got more of a psychological thriller vibe than horror. I can relate to the woman scorned thing.

Don't have much to add that others haven't already mentioned. This is my fave so far because of the writing...


boop
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LC
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, this was full on. And very cliched. Sarah seemed so nice... in the beginning.

Sarah, it’s not what you think.
Ah yes, this ol' chestnut.

            SARAH
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

I dunno... That line kinda came off as corny to me, maybe deliberately tongue in cheek? Not sure if that was your purpose.

Still, this is so over the top ala Tarantino vibe.. Perhaps it'd work as graphic comic.

Few typos. It read very fast.
I think you had fun with this.


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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solid story here.

Writing was great, but had a few typos here and there.

How did no one else at the party hear Alice's screams .. how did the kids not hear them either?  You can hear one another fairly well using the vents. My siblings and I used to do that, run to different parts of the house and talk into the vents to see if we can hear each other. Considering that Alice's head was hooked up to a duct tube makes it hard to believe that Sam was the only one to hear her.

That's the only negative I have to say about this.

Good work.
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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent. However, there wasn’t much “Halloween” about it. Nothing supernatural or eerie, just a superb nut job getting revenge on a faithless husband.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of details about the house. Gives a detailed picture, but won't be followed in production.

Three pages of chit chatting. IMHO, that is too much in a short. You need to set the tone/mood early on so we know this is a horror.

Okay, cool. We got horror now! One piece of dumb comment from Sam to the woman tied up in a chair, bloody in panties and top  with some dome on her head though. Are you okay????? Seriously? Lol.

A little off the rails now.

Okay, finished. I liked it until the end. But hey, my script went batshit make no sense in the end too. So...

I thought it was well written, characters were pretty good and everything was fine until the end.


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