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The Halloween After Party - OWC (currently 1580 views)
Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:16pm
Posts 483
Posts Per Day 0.09
The plan to get revenge was way too elaborate for it to ever succeed the way it does here. And revenge for what? I think you owe the readers at least a hint about what it’s in revenge for. Mike joining the tricksters to further scare Veronica is probably a bad choice. She’d be justified in cutting off his mating privileges for life, or even cutting off his mating tool.
Reply: 15 - 16
Lightfoot
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 6:28pm
Location London, Ontario
Posts 379
Posts Per Day 0.07
You got some of you action lines in with the dialogue. Makes for a funny read at least.
Missing words and awkward narrative throughout this.
The the story itself wasn't bad at all. It was actually a decent read and would've been a decent script if not for the things I've mentioned above. A solid rewrite would do this some good.
Quoted Text
Veronica bangs on the door trying to run out
You make it seem like Veronica is constantly running at the door trying to get out. Funny to picture.
Reply: 16 - 16
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