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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Vampire Affair - OWC Moderators: SAC
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  Author    The Vampire Affair - OWC  (currently 1069 views)
ReneC
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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I really like the use of the cell phone. Great use of it for this story. The early exposition was heavy and largely unnecessary, it could have been delivered better. Once the cell phone enters the scene though, it kicks into high gear.

The opening a door to enter another living room was confusing, but visually it would look good, so it's fine. The ending is fine too, for the most part. Where I think this can be improved is in the story beats. They repeat themselves.

Val sees the video, believes he's cheated on her. Jen has won a victory. Then it back pedals a bit and Jen confronts him with the phone accusing him of planning to leave her. Now I get that you're playing with words, that that's what he's hallucinating and what she's really saying is "you're not going to leave me," but it's a step down from the previous high tension point before the tension is defused by his lucidity. It's a small mis-step, but it wrecks the effectiveness of that lucidity.

A rewrite to tighten it up and this could be filmed as a great little horror short. Nicely done.


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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Evil entities of the supernatural persuasion have perverted high-tech to further their demonic ends?! Nice. However, I don’t understand why Val is so quick to believe what she sees on the phone. Everyone knows about video manipulation. And wouldn’t a woman’s first inclination be to disbelieve such a thing about the man she loves? Unless, of course, he’s strayed before.
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 19th, 2019, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't have time to read many till now... just wanted to say I thought this was amazing. Maybe you could do the beginning with a bit less exposition but there was a lot to set up in a short window so it's understandable. The video thing was really tense, so well done how you kept shifting it around through these various disoriented states. And I loved the ending. I loved everything!


That rug really tied the room together.
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