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End Of The Harvest by by Darren Seeley (Darren JamesSeeley) writing as Miles Bennell - Short, Horror, Slasher - A Halloween urban legend about a trio of cursed scarecrows turns out to be the life and death of a party. - pdf format
There's a spelling mistake in your first slug. We all make typos, but that is pretty much the worst place you could have one so fix that.
The following doesn't make sense to me -
the moonlight reflects a droplet onto the corner of her lower lip.
Do you mean reflects off a droplet on her lower lip? If so a droplet of what? Spit, blood, wine?
Closer, no mask.JOHN (30s) Like Judy, he wears a scarecrow costume.
Needs a space after 'mask' and 'like' should be lowercase.
If I spot any one of these things I wouldn't mention it. But three mistakes and I'm not half a page in. This needs a good edit. But hey - you could have been rushing to meet the deadline - I'll continue!
Okay finished. A lot of rushed mistakes. There seems to be references to "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe. Although the references seem random rather than a homage. But the whole deal with these people supposedly making it look like a botched robbery needs to be clearer. Needs a few more drafts! But good on you for going full-gore.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Small detail but "Itís raining a light drizzle, the moonlight reflects a droplet onto the corner of her lower lip." It's raining and the moon is out. How does she get a rain droplet on her lip if she's in the kitchen? Sorry, it just derails the train of thought when reading.
Done. So was the droplet blood? Overall, after four reads, this is my favorite. It was difficult keeping names straight and not sure the importance of the phone call and message. Was that relevant? Just a good slasher short.
And who was the mystery man? Luke? That had me lost too. But Helen got away? Hmmm...part two in the works? A little explanation when this is all said and done. Good job, writer.
Title Page is fine, but as I've said a few times, these Pseudonyms aren't adding anything, IMO.
Using "SUBURBAN HOME" as a Slug is bad enough, and we've now seen it numerous times in numerous scripts, but to spell it wrong out of the gate is a HUGE issue.
You start with a 4 line passage, and there's nothing wrong with that in general or here, but this is overwritten, obviously and alot of extraneous detail that's unnecessary.
I don't understand how the moonlight from outside is reflecting anything on Judy's mouth - what that droplet is supposed to be, who knows?
Writing is very awkward...maybe beyond just awkward. I'm having serious trouble even understanding what you're trying to say.
So, it looks like we have another case of a writer who won't use a subject in his/her lines, which causes alot of unnecessary confusion. Just use the damn subject...please!
Why are some words and names in quotes, in dialogue? WTF?
The dialogue itself is very stilted and odd...unrealistic.
Page 3 - WOW! WTF? Now we have back to back Slugs with misspellings. Terrible. I'm about to quit.
So many things are off here. Spacing, wording...just really poorly written.
Page 4 - "Thereís ANOTHER SCREAM" - I don't recall the first scream, but if this is indeed the scream in the parameters, it's a bit late, don't you think?
Oh boy...and now we get a Flashback, huh?
The end. I stopped taking notes, as I'd be writing pretty much about every line and passage - easily one of the worst written scripts I can recall, but the strange thing is that you're probably a decent writer, as this seems to have been written extremely fast and probably with some alcohol and or drugs involved. It's pretty fucked up and impossible to understand in a single read, which means the writing here is terrible.
Story-wise, it may be quite good, but as presented, it's beyond a chug to get through.
I have to grade based on what I see and I see a complete mess here. I just read over the comments of the earlier readers and I'm beyond shocked to see someone say this is their favorite...absolutely shocked.
It takes all kinds, I guess.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Writer, it feels like a rush job. Stephen King. In his book On Writing he says (paraphrasing), "Don't show your first draft, that's your draft. And this felt like one. Still, it's a good idea to proof-read any work before publishing it.
The overall quality of the writing is good, but... some of your action lines lack punch and clarity, with clarity being the more important of the two to pay attention to. Found myself re-reading several lines that were a bit confusing.
I didn't see the relevance of the phone call.
Nice effort. I dug the premise, but this, to me, needs more oomph. Keep writing. -Andrea
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
The more I read in this challenge, the more I suffer from Dejevu - almost every bloke so far is trying to get some and getting turned down.
You are oddly specific in some action description and definitely tend to overwrite. Obviously how you write is up to you, but if you take a sharp knife to this you can make it a much easier crisper read. "kisses her right shoulder" "that can be bought from dollar thrift stores"
HALLWAY Loaded with flickering Jack OÔŅĹ Lantern decor on tables and bookcases. A framed B film horror movie poster on the wall. Judy balls her fists. Lets out a scream of her own. JUDY SON OF A BITCH! SON OF A BITCH! DEN She snatches the sickle under the watchful eye of the fake raven and scarecrow. BATHROOM Judy pulls back the shower curtain, raises the SICKLE. TWO BODIES lie in a BLOODY MESS. One man, one woman. Both throats are slit. The DEAD MAN has a missing ear. THe DEAD WOMAN misses a left hand. Neither corpse move.
Wtf happened? did I miss something? she goes to check on a noise, randomly shouts SON OF A BITCH, grabs a weapon, and for reasons only known to her, check the bath (why?) and finds two dead bodies?....
wait... "did you miss someone?"... I thought that was an odd thing to say, makes sense if they had already slain the guests - still not sure why she randomly shouted son of a bitch, but it now makes sense that she knows where the bodies are... I'll read on
N.B it may be style choice, but the dialogue in capitals to denote shouting looks amateurish to me.
The story was interesting for a while but it faded into nothing, I am none the wiser to why any of it happened, what the relevance of some people is (Ryan, what's the point in him?) why Helen invited them to rob a house, why they murdered everyone apart from Helen, why Luke was seemingly just lying there pretending to be dead for a while.... just stuff happens with no cause or consequence, no reason or thought
FYI first you say Ashley and Rob are on the bed wearing vampire costumes, then you change it to Luke wearing the vampire outfit.
If it wasn't for the previous reviews, I would have bailed on this early. They suggested some redeeming factors, so I stuck with it.
I'm glad I didn't bail, but I'm not as enamored with it. There's some interesting stuff here, and a good story at the heart of it. It's lost in the haphazard action that's difficult to visualize and even more difficult to comprehend. The flashback is poorly executed, I don't understand how Helen got to be hung up there and still alive, and why didn't Judy just kill her when she concluded she must have been the one to scream? Did she even scream? It's never stated, and I don't see a reason for it. The scream seems to be there just to meet the criteria.
John and Judy (BTW, using "John" and "Judy" in dialogue isn't going to be seen on screen if you're implying that's not their real names) said they met Ryan out in the van but Ryan wasn't there according to his message later. I'm guessing that's a mistake, but why even have it in there? It doesn't do anything for the story.
I don't get the Poe references, and I know a fair bit about Poe and his works. If style is what you were going for, it needs work.
It's gory, but not horrific. Not scary at all. It might visually be horrific though, and could be really cool to see with hyperstylized visuals. Like I said, there are some good things in here. The story needs a lot of work.
Slasher much? This was full of it, however, not much substance. What youíre lacking here is a story. You have a reason - cash, but not much else. We never see it, and why all the killing if itís just a robbery? Maybe serial killers? I donít know. Lots of gore, yes, a scream, yes, but you need a cohesive story/backstory to set this up.
Right out of the gate, page 1 is riddled with issues. Every single time one of these issues pops up, your reader stops reading. Your story needs to flow which is why learning the rules of screenwriting is so important., as well as clear descriptions. Pg. 1 examples...
the moonlight reflects a droplet onto the corner of her lower lip. ... huh?
Closer, no mask....again, huh?
Quotes around dialog..."John", "Judy"...why,?
Kisses her bare left shoulder...that's one sexy scarecrow.
The goo is dry but sticky...you're telling us. You need to show it. Maybe with her facial expression when she touches it. But show, don't tell.
Ignoring other issues I read to the end. Not much of an actual story here though. Sorry...nothing really pulled me in.
That was a twisted tale, maximum horror right there. Unfortunately it felt like you didnít take the time to edit it or go over it, which is sad because it was a cool story but definitely needed a clean up.
I wish we as the audience were told the specifics of the harvest and what it entails, it felt like a cop out just to mention it as if it was reason enough for the massacre.