Judy and John spend the first three pages talking about nothing, when they could have been discussing what the massacre was all about: Helen inviting them to the party so they could steal some money under the guise of a home invasion, but she didn’t want anyone killed. They could have justified their actions by mentioning that the cops would’ve immediately suspected Helen’s involvement, so they were really doing her a favor by killing all the witnesses.

When it comes to killing Helen, John and Judy prove inept. Helen puts up a good fight and manages to escape. But she has to die, doesn’t she? So maybe the script should end with Judy and John chasing Helen down the street, weapons waving in the air.

English is my first language; jibber-jabber is my second.
So bear with me.

The rewrite is on the way soon.  The most obvious fix is SUBERBAN HOME, that nasty fellow. When the first review hit,I was shocked I didn't catch it.  Since the program remembers what locations you tell it to, the slug automatically repeats as you originally had it. That was an oversight on my end,I own up to it. And I revised the script twice and still didn't notice.

So why don't I use the name of the homeowners? I felt that would create some confusion, as John and Judy ("false names" was the intent) were not the homeowners. I suppose it didn't matter, since I didn't give their last names.

The pair as part of a robbery gone bad scheme  was, I admit, very flimsy.  But I had eight pages then, soI wanted to work in the earlier scene which was in the last draft prior to submission. "Ryan" was indeed in the van the previous draft before submission, being a dead body. John and Judy came in that van.  After killing Ashley, Luke, Rob and Brooke, and leaving Helen for dead, John was supposed to go back to the van, show the revealof Ryan's body, and bring out a big wooden trunk.  The pair would open that trunk, and with a spell, corn stalks and an additional Scarecrow outfit appeared. They would then have additional decorations to the house, cut off Brooke's hand (with the ring) and steal Helen's iPod.

Offscreen, they would dress Helen up as the new scarecrow.

But it took too long to set up, and then I re-read a thread where the OWC guide said that the couple could not do anything supernatural.  So it got chopped, and I still wanted to build up the mystery until Judy goes back to check the bodies. So the party was a brief flashblack. But "Ryan" wasn't there anymore, so I needed something to let folks know what happened to Ryan.

Big mistake. And too add insult to injury, not many folks dig flashbacks. There's a time and place for them, but as a flashback, it seemed to goon a bit long and stopped the current action. Big mistake,

I think the biggest challenge is the scream and only one of the couple hearing it. It is then a requirement for the couples of nearly all the entries to have some sort of banter which mayor may not be related to the story. Mine was. Heck, I even had a small bit of gore when we first meet Judy and John. And it didn't matter. You see thirty some scripts with couples talk about a scream only one of them heard, and give a reason why one of them didn't hear it...it kind of blends in and somebody's bound to miss something. Add in a few dumb errors on my end, and the sharks smell blood in the water.

Earlier this week I corrected all the spelling errors, and other problem areas. took out some awkward words. and put back in the wooden trunk gag, got rid of the robbery plot (which wasn't tough to do, it wasn't elaborated on) and posted the revision on Script Revolution for a good 24 hours. I didn't care if anyone here laid eyes onit at SR; this draft here was embarrassing due to that SUBERBAN error, I almost felt like..ifpeople knew I wrote it, fine. If they didn't fine.

But It was salvageable... and I took took that update of SR because...

I'm no longer bound by the OWC.

So, the SUBURBAN part of the house is gone. It's redundant, yes. Action only takes place in and around one HOUSE. I also feel this could "free up" potential production.  Any house will do.

The SCREAM is gone, now it's just a noise, and they both heard it. Judy's line "I'll take care of it"  takes care of that.

The FLASHBACK is reworked and now will kickoff the script; there is no alleged robbery gone bad plot. It is simply a "home invasion" where the supernatural plays a role. It's working a lot better. Hard to say what the page count will be, I'm still aiming for 10-12,but it'll probably wind up 13.

The new draft will be around shortly here and SR.
Damn,I really dropped the ball on this   

Thanks to all who read.
Sorry about the torture chamber.

The rewrite is up.  Among the changes:

- the most obvious error is corrected,or more specifically, just simply HOME now.

- the flashback is revamped at starts the script; however, John and Judy enter the house another way, and there is no robbery gone wrong. It's still a home invasion, kind of. The scarecrow display had arrived in a mysterious 'cursed'  box, according to Helen,now dressed as Little Red Riding Hood.

- John and Judy are a supernatural couple. They hear a noise, but not a scream.

- script is 14 pages long.

- .

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley The rewrite is up.   - the most obvious error is corrected,or more specifically, just simply HOME now.

"SUBURBAN HOME" or "HOME" as a Slug is not an "error", it's just very generic and boring.

Give your script some life and write some interesting Slugs that show your readers information.

What Jeff said...

Here's the thread to look at, add your magic etc.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1571265713/

Regardless, good for you DJS for doing an updated draft.

Darren,

I checked this out, was all prepared to take in depth notes but after page one I found myself kind of lost once again, much like the original.

Page 1, this is what I got: Perhaps mention there's a party going on right off the bat. You got the music, some dollar store Halloween decorations, but there's no punch bowl, no chips. Not even a mention of a party.

Luke's first line of dialogue is long and I would cut it a tad. Maybe just the last two sentences.

No alcohol at this party? I saw a root beer, but I figured there might be some booze. Because right now this doesn't feel all that much like a party.

Also, Page 1 you introduced at least 5 characters, and that, for me, really muddled the rest of the script. really wasn't sure who was who, who I was supposed to be paying attention to. And when I did realize, it didn't seem to matter much because I'd forgotten who they were.

This still doesn't work for me. If the Harvest is the reason for all the killing, then what exactly is the Harvest anyway? I don't know. Maybe I'm in the minority. Be nice for a couple more people to chime in here. Still, it is cool to see someone rewriting from this OWC.

Steve