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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Party Out Of Bounds - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
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  Author    Party Out Of Bounds - OWC  (currently 392 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Party Out Of Bounds by Too Ashamed to Admit - Short, Horror, Action - The party just gets more interesting after the last guests leave. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Anon
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Ha! Good last line. Not sure what I can say about this one. There was enough mythology for a feature thrown in at breakneck speed. So it was - of course - completely unbelievable and hard to follow. But I could feel the fun you had writing it. So not really my thing, but well done for throwing everything and the kitchen sink at this.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Hiya -  Too ashamed

logline - bit of a tease, not much to go on

On balance not for me, but some aspects have potential, IMO

for a simple, easy to film script, the possession of the woman is a good call. some dialogue varied betweens serious and jokey and I think that is hard to pull off in a consistent way

this idea that two old enemies become reincarnated, or something like that, and then have a fight off both works, but also seems unlikely

I also toyed with the idea of a magic book left behind, but never could see the story - the idea of something trapped within is pretty sound though. I didn't think of that

is the dirt in the mouth just made up or something once done?

all the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Logline doesn't give us much, and really isn't a logline, but at least it's not written poorly.

Title Page is one of those that you're either going to appreciate or hate - personally, I hate the cheeky name used here.

When a character is first intro'd, you want to CAP it...even if it's not a "proper" intro, including a name.  Same thing with animals.  Lots of peeps don't get that.

"A thirty-something couple stand in the open doorway and wave outside to an unseen person. The man, BRAD, is dressed as Satan and the woman, JANET, as a Witch." - So overwritten - half of this passage has already been shown in the opening EXT scene, yet you do it again here, too.  Writing "couple", "the man", "the woman" are all wasted words.

Page 1 and 2 are almost all dialogue.  It's not "bad" dialogue, but it doesn't really say much, as the majority of the exchange has to do with other peeps, we never saw, and nothing much about this couple, who I assume are the main characters.

Page 4 and things finally start to happen.  In all seriousness, a good slow setup is great, but this is too slow and too dull.  Let's hope things take off now.

"Janet picks him up by shirt, throws him into the fireplace and leaps to the couch." - WTF?  Poorly written, which is too bad, as these types of lines/actions/etc. are what make or break a script.  Just omitting "his" in front of "shirt" makes the entire line read so poorly.  And, throwing him into a yet to be revealed fireplace?  It's a WTF moment that plays out like a joke.

I thought Brad had been thrown into the fireplace?     WTF is going on here?

I'm wondering what the tone is supposed to be here?  Is it comedy?  It sure seems like it.

The end.  That's completely redonkulous.  Where in the world did this come from?  What were you smoking and/or ingesting? Tone is all over the place, but comedy is what shines through the most.

This isn't for me at all, but it's so far out in left field, and such a pisser extraordinaire, that it will be remembered.  Writing is not good by any means, but it's much better than much of the dreck we'll see.

**  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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As the script started, I didn't know what to make of the couple's banter. Seemed to be a lot of mindless filler. Don't they know who was at their party?  Two pages straight about who wore what. Some of those characters will return as the script moves along, but I found myself asking so why did they leave in the first place?

Brad and Janet (Rocky Horror reference?)  then start cleaning up...Brad finds the book, but does not open it.  So I'm lost...how did Janet get possessed with the Stryker spirit exactly? Was the Grimoire  used to expel the spirit? No. It really isn't used at all. Janet 'throws' Brad into the fireplace. Did Brad fit? Did he go head first?

Endless profanity, used for shock value. It's neither funny nor offensive. It is simply dull.
The dullness stems from lack of a coherent story, and my dismay at what would have been a neat twist for the OWC - AN EXORCISM! And we got a Grimoire!

and you don't do anything with either. It's just a big farce.
But even a cheesefest has a story. Characters too.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hard to follow -- a lot of details coming at you from all directions and I kept wondering, "Okay, when is this going to get going?"  I'll echo the sentiment that the opening dialogue exchange is a tad too long.  Consider trimming the fat.  So what we have here is a demonic possession. The writing was clear enough, the purpose and destination, not so much.  Shrug, just one reader's opinion.

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer


Quoted Text
A quaint ranch-style home surrounded by oak trees with red
and yellow leaves.


Well done for not just saying "It's autumn" - which I see too often.

Very slow pace so far, which is not great for a short - The conversation in the first 3 pages is awkward and dull. Nothing is grabbing so far, and we have no hint of theme or genre... first 3 pages is a comedy, not a horror.

And then a sudden switch in tone to demonic possession - very jarring and not enough build-up to this moment.

Ok, this is way more comedy than horror - I wouldn't say any of it is particularly scary. But I guess that is for those submitting scores to decide.
Outside of the challenge, this is a little too silly for me to get into - silly antics at the cost of substance. Some people may like that kind of thing, but I'm not one of them.

Writing is not too bad, but the story was falt for me. Well done for taking on the challenge though



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StevenClark
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Challenge parameters met, but it seems after a while the story had nowhere to go, hence the abrupt ending. Honestly, I don’t think I’d know where to take it either. Having Brad come out with a colander on his head took away any seriousness you had generated.

Set up was overdone, but the costumes did factor in to what you wanted. Then this turns into the Exorcist and, well, that ending! Good effort.

Steve


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mmmarnie
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry...for me this was kinda just all over the place. First, cool names. Thought it was gonna be some kind of Rocky Horror thing. But it wasn't. Dammit Janet. Second, you made sure to show us theircnames in the first two blocks of dialog. It didn't sound natural and that's totally unnecessary. I dont think we really need to hear their names, unless that's important to the story...like if it was a Rocky Horror thing.

I just kept thinking...wtf kind of neighborhood do these people live in where everyone would assume "all welcome" meant show up wearing a costume that represents your religious beliefs.

The action was unfocused and the payoff...Janet is a ho. Dammit Janet.

Just take in everyone's suggestions and keep writing.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Zack
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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This one started off pretty slow. The dialog isn't awful, but it is kinda bland and boring.

The writing isn't bad. Nothing is taking me out of the read. You do have a couple of spots where you need to use SLUGS, like when Brad goes into the kitchen and then right back to the living room.

My interest perked up when the possession part happened. Then she transforms. Pretty cool. Then a priest runs in. Alright, a little much but I'm still with ya. Now an indian shows up. Now the indian transformed into a bear. Giant monster fight ensues. Holy shit. This one flew off the fuckin' rails.

Writing is solid, though. Good effort.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Going by the 1 minute/page rule, this film would start out with a couple standing in a doorway chit chatting for two minutes...   Why not give us something visually interesting to look at?

Slams a fist to her temple? As in punching herself?

Throws him into the fireplace? Was there a fire in it?

Channeling The Exorcist here.

I liked the idea of the old book, but ultimately, it turned into a mess by the end for me. Suggestion would be to have Brad by accident or such summon something with that book and then he have to make things right again.  


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RolandJ
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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There’s a very interesting subtext to this story. Here’s why......

Quoted Text

BRAD
Babe...you're not
going to believe this...


In my opinion, this is where the story should start. Brad wakes up from a dream and tells it to Janet in flashback.

Mythology is a nice concept, but you need more than 10 pages to tell it the right way. This is probably more suited as a feature than a short, for the reason many people aren’t into mythology and won’t recognize the significance of the characters.

The writer has the skills to develop this as a viable script. I hope he/she does.
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ReneC
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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That's quite a read. Lots of action that keeps escalating in unexpected ways. The early foreshadowing was okay, but outside of the challenge this would work better if all these weird religious icons showed up to the party and then the great battle took place with more of them getting into the fray, and poor Brad and Janet the unwitting hosts to a near-apocalyptic event. In that sense, this had a "This Is The End" sort of vibe but nowhere near as well executed.

The opening dialogue is too slow, there isn't anything horror except the creature transformation and (presumably) gore, the action is decent but falls short of grabbing the reader. It feels like a last minute rush job that could have been decent with more time.

It would be difficult to film. Lots of VFX that would look cheesy if not done right. Then again, maybe cheesy is just what this needs.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear


Throws him into the fireplace? Was there a fire in it?


That's a great question.  And, it must be a damn HUGE fireplace!  And, and, it really must have hurt, being thrown into a fireplace...I know a couple years ago, when I got accidentally thrown into a fireplace, I was in quite a bit of pain, and I was lucky, as there wasn't a fire in it at the time.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Zack
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


That's a great question.  And, it must be a damn HUGE fireplace!  And, and, it really must have hurt, being thrown into a fireplace...I know a couple years ago, when I got accidentally thrown into a fireplace, I was in quite a bit of pain, and I was lucky, as there wasn't a fire in it at the time.



How did you "accidentally" get thrown into a fireplace!? Lol. Were you a little bit hammered?
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


How did you "accidentally" get thrown into a fireplace!? Lol. Were you a little bit hammered?


It was by a huge grizzly bear that originally looked like an Indian.  I don't know why he came into my house, turned into a bear, and then threw me into the fireplace.

The whole thing was very odd.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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English is capitalized.

Not a very promising start.


Quoted Text
KITCHEN
The kitchen is a disaster.


Redundant.

The priest is pretty random, I have to admit. This reads like an SNL sketch.

What the hell is gnurly?

Janet's possessed dialogue is way too over-the-top and cheesy. Sounds like something Rob Zombie would have written for his Halloween movies.


Quoted Text
Now, where did I put that...aha!


Terrible line.

Ziploc, a trademark, should be capitalized.

I proudly use the word "fuck," but I think these characters are saying it too much, again like Rob Zombie's Halloween movies.

At this point I'm bored, tired and skimming. You lost me at Powhatan.

Jeff's right. None of this makes sense. The writing's okay, the story isn't. Not for me, I'm sorry to say. Good job on knocking out a script and entering.


FADE IN:
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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that went south fast. Before Janet and Brad know it, they’re hosts to a battle royale between a demon, Stryker, his evil helper, the Priest, and an Indian fighter (as in being one, not fighting them), Powhatan. Excellent!
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