Hi writer,

That was a cool little story, I really liked the dialogue. Most of what I was going to talk about has already been covered so all I can really say is good job.

I really liked the tension you built in the story, but considering the motive was revenge in some imagination come to life I didn’t really get why the boyfriend got the dirty.

But that being my only gripe, it’s fair to say that this was a solid entry, good job.

Late to the party, and it looks like I'm echoing other reviews again.

The last two pages really stick out, not in a good way. The abrupt cutoff of the action and tension and switch to wrapping things up through ineffective exposition hurts this. I imagine it was a time crunch to submit under the wire. Too bad because I'm really interested to see how this might have played out with more time, if that's a correct assumption.

Not much character development, and the twins thing is barely a factor (strange given that the title is "Twins")...except the monsters are also twins, aren't they? That would have been neat to play into better, twin children and twin monsters. As it is, the story wouldn't change a bit if the boys weren't twins.

If Hayden really saw those two little monsters walk out of his closet (where did they come from??? ) he lets it go way too easily. He doesn't even try to convince his mother that what he saw is real.

You have police and EMTs outside the house but the family is alone together in the kitchen and Mandy is interrogating Hayden on behalf of a detective? Why aren't they in there? The dialogue is particularly bad in that scene, especially given the twist you're trying to pull off. Much more attention needs to be paid to it to make it effective.

Hayden is absent for most of this script. He's in his room at the top of page 3 and we don't see him again until the final scene on page 8. If you're trying to make him somehow responsible for the monsters killing his dad and brother, he should be a bigger part of the action. At the very least, he should witness the significant death of his abusive father.

You use CONTINUOUS incorrectly, I think what you're trying to do is SAME TIME. CONTINUOUS is when a scene transitions seamlessly from one location to another, such as walking through a door. Same character, same actions without missing a beat. SAME TIME is used to change to a different part of the story in another location at the same time as the previous scene.

Otherwise the writing is decent but hurried. There's some good dialogue mixed in with some on the nose stuff. It wouldn't be easy to pull this off but it could be an effective read with some work.

Very nice. I think it would be good, though, to give some hint that Hayden had special powers earlier on. The final description line — “…a huge almost evil grin grows wide.” — may be too on-the-nose. And leaving those drawings out in the open is dumb. Maybe he burns them and the cops find a singed scrap that casts a little suspicion on the kid. As it is, Detective Kennedy and Mandy have major suspicions.

Got mixed feelings here. I like the writing. It's fast and easy to read, but there are a few typos. And more than a few orphans.

Characters and their dialog were actually pretty good. It all read very believable.

Once the action starts, this falls apart. First, you don't give us any idea what size these creatures are. 6 inches? 3 feet? Hard to visualize them when I don't know how big they are supposed to be.

The BIG problem is that you randomly cut away from an action sequence, to bodies on strectchers being wheeled to ambulances, to the next night, where the family is acting normal until the Mom breaks down and Hayden reveals he was behind it all. So both the dad and Hunter were killed? I don't know... seems like theres a cool idea in here, but I'm thinking you were pressed for time.

The more I think about it, the more this one just doesn't work for me.

What an odd little tale.

Your logline tells us very little. Affluent family? How exactly does that play into the story?
Casita? Different from Suburban Home, I suppose.

It's as if you couldn't quite decide which story to tell - psychological horror - twins being abused - (or at least the least favourite one), creature feature (an actual monster) exacts revenge on evil daddy, little kid afraid of the dark (monsters) with a little Friday 13th frolic in the pool e.g. teen bikini-babe action in the pool, and sexy Mom in a cheerleading outfit.

The scene change following the horror denouement - with Mom chopping veggies at the end is abrupt and really weird. Such is life.

I don't think you could make up your mind what story you were telling so it became a hybrid horror. That's my theory anyway. For reals... .

Quoted from LC . For reals... .

For reals...indeed!