Last Halloween by Anonymous5 - Short, Horror, Gothic - For this grandmother, Halloween is the best day of the year. Too bad it will be her last. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes as I go. There's a mistake in the first passage. Should be "its" not "it's".

I'm not going to be an asshole about it, but as I said in another review, it's best to make sure the start of your story have zero-mistakes. Then if one happens later we're more likely to pass over it.

Okay, needs a good edit, and I'd bring the creepiness/tension forward a bit. Until the staircase thing there wasn't much going on. And the first two pages is s back-story dialogue. And perhaps that's okay, but maybe try spice it up a bit. Add some conflict or tie it into your story quicker.

The journey needs some work but I like the destination so well done for that!

Hi, I really enjoyed the writing it was well paced and mostly error free. (Names should be capped when introducing them, even in dialogue)

I liked the family dynamic, felt really natural. I think you could’ve turned the tension up considering you still had a few pages left (12 max).

I would’ve liked to know why she’s was going to hell, maybe a dark secret or something. It would’ve made me sympathize with her more if you could’ve given her more of a back story, maybe a few visions of her life before the fiery inferno would’ve been just the trick.

Anyway good job entering, you’re a talented scribe and I  really enjoyed your writing, the story unfortunately felt a bit lacking for me.

Good luck.

This is a familiar concept that has been filmed before----a person viewing the end of their life, and watching to see who attends the funeral, and or somehow guiding the surviving family members to discover her killer.

Usually there is a preceding narration, or visual that explains the separation from the living being.
But the jump in this case is seamless, making it appear as if Brianna woke up before the family member arrived. She then walks around the house in response to unseen creepy noises until reaching the basement at which time she realizes she's dead.

Adding a bit more tension early on would make this more of a horror story than it is. But this writer has the chops to do that because the writing style itself is excellent.

I thought Brianna (GMA) was loved by all and a good person. Why is she hell-bound? Doesn't really matter, just curious.

Decent story. A lot of dialogue in places followed by a lot of action blocks.

Many characters. I thought it was supposed to be a couple with the introduction of more, but this started with many and added more.

The story was predictable so no surprises for me. Good work, writer.

Writer,

I was wondering where all this was going, getting all worried and then you pulled out a really great reveal, IMO. That’s not to say it hasn’t been done before - we’ve certainly seen this before. However I was wrapped up in Brianna’s journey to even think beyond that at the time. That’s just me. I don’t think. I let the story carry me along.

I would consider changing Brianna l’s name to something more befitting her age. Sounds too young for a 60 year old.

You got over descriptive at times and you can def trim some of this, tidy up the dialogue and all. But I’d def revisit this and fix it up. I think there’s potential.

Very good effort!

Steve

I did enjoy this but had a few issues. First, if this party is an annual tradition, why does Avin seem like she's hearing about it for the first time? She and Travis have kids so they've obviously been together a while. Little details like that are enough to take your reader out of the story.

I like the tension with Brianna walking through the house but it could definitely be tightened up. Some edits needed to make things flow better.

Not a new concept with someone watching themselves dying, but I still enjoyed it. My biggest issue though, was it seemed like Brianna was going to hell. Why? You gave no indication that she was bad. Unless drinking scotch is criteria. If that's the case I know quite a few people who are screwed. Lol.

Nice job, writer.

I agree with some of the previous reviews here. Mostly the whys.

Also, a lot of characters in this that don't really matter.

Other than that, I thought it was pretty okay. Not bad. I would suggest making the beginning a bit better. Especially the first two pages. IMHO, in a short horror, you need to set the tone/mood early. That doesn't mean something scary has to happen right away, but there has to be something that gets us knowing right away that we're in for something a little darker so we are prepared for it. As you probably know, SOUND is a huge part of horror, so it can be as simple as adding some moody sounds. It can also be an image or something someone says. With features, you have more time to set things up, but in a short short, you need to set the stage on the first page.

Some valid points above. I don't agree with all of them.  But Pia makes a great one.  Hint.  Hint.  Nothing more to add except I liked it-- despite it being a very cliche story.

Ghostie

Hello

Logline - one of those that doesn’t do much for me, except to suggest we have a killing granny on our hands - which could be cool

Finished - nope, no murderous granny

I suppose the psychological aspect could be horror but overall this didn’t feel that way to me. All in all, I t was very cosy at the beginning. A few writing errors as it went along, so has mine!!

Her arriving in Hell didn’t seem to fit the tone of the story. It would almost feel better if it was a benign ‘after life’ but she had a choice of whether to go or stay etc - some tension and choice rather than it just happens.

One option would be to make her sick, so does she want to return to pain or stay in the warmth that emerges etc this would seem to slide away from horror to more psychological drama etc

All the best

Logline - Seems to tell us alot or even too much, but you never really know.

Title Page - Simple and no problems

Opening Slug has a spacing issue after EXT.

"Travis takes a big haul" - a Haul?  As in a big hit of his cig?  Never heard this before.

"Alright miss outta there." - Without commas, this makes no sense.  YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SET OFF A NAME OR ANYTHING USED AS A NAME IN DIALOGUE.  In this case, you're missing a comma before and after"miss", and I would always Capitalize anything used a name - Miss - otherwise, "miss" being a standard word, the meaning can be completely thrown off.

We're onto Page 4 now and nothing has happened at all.  Dialogue, although not "bad", ain't too good, either.  I don't see much character in any of these characters, and I really don't even see what the point of the 3 pages.

The scream is on Page 4, but it has nothing to do with a couple and only 1 of them hearing it.  I'd say this is already out, based on that alone.

Page 6 - "and and"

Page 7 - "This the gateway to Hell." - Ummm...thanks for telling me.

All this talk about the car outside, while she's looking into the bathroom, aka the gateway to Hell makes no sense.  In such a basement, the window(s) are high up and very small, meaning it's touch to really see much outside, especially a car in the driveway.

The end.  Not any horror here, really. No couple hearing a scream.  No reason laid out for Brianna to be going to Hell.  Poor dialogue, no plot or story, nothing really happening here that's remotely unique or interesting.

**

Hi Writer

I haven't opened the script yet, but I'm laying a bet that this is set in a suburban home. Let's see...

Drum roll, please...

no! shit... lost my money. I mean, it could still be a suburban home... let's call it a draw  

It's not just you, so don't take it personally - but IMHO too many of these entries have monotonous beginnings. for like 3/4/5 pages it's yawn-worthy talking with no glimpse of any story/theme/horror/tension/conflict.... nothing!
You can still have the talking, obviously, to set up the characters and such. but can we not get a glimpse of what's to come? that we are in a horror?  you know, the "someone lurking in the bushes" moment

Quoted Text Instead of looking into the hallway she now sees the same stairs she just climbed going down to the same basement she just came from.

Oooo these "can't escape" psychological things really get my hairs going. Must be one of my fears lol The movie 1408 got me in that regard... the "never-ending hallway" thing... makes my spine shiver lol

Quoted Text Brianna tries to see who he’s talking to, but the window is too small.

He's obviously talking about Brianna... Oh, ok, we find out quickly it is her. I was worried there that it would be a big reveal that's too obvious. Glad I was wrong.

Quoted Text This is the gateway to hell.

If you have to tell us, then you haven't made it visually obvious enough.

ooook.

Could have done with some background as to why she is destined for hell. Would also have liked more of a fight...back and forth, "will she be able to escape, Yes! we think she will, she's so close...DAMN, they got her" more of a rollercoaster ride would have been nice.

Summary:
Writing = fine
Story = Weak. Too much mundane talking, not enough fight, back and forth, highs and lows of an engaging story.
Horror = Not really (outside of the challenge though, you are good)

Nice attempt

First of the bunch for me.... let's see what we've got.

Intersting. I like the premise of the story.

The first couple of pages don't really add much. If the major points of the story revolve around Brianna, and we're going to finish exclusively on her point of view, then I think you need to go ahead and tell the entire story from her point of view. It's not like the interplay between the other characters adds much to your core story.

I won't repeat the good notes from others, but know that's there's one more vote on the "gates of hell" line and the why of Brianna's destination. Is Grandma holding a hell-worthy secret?

My major note would be to cut the first four pages or so and give us more of the good stuff: Brianna's past (the why of the story), the strange happenings that slowly reveal her eternal destination and finally, her reaction to that reveal.

There's a good premise here and some good scenes/imagery, but a bit more work needs to be done.

Thanks for sharing!

Logline sounds intriguing enough.

No FADE IN: at the beginning.

Your first line is a slug with a missing space.

Its = possessive. It's = it is.

Quoted Text A driveway off to the side is packed with vehicles.

Passive writing. Could be reworded.

Quoted Text Alright[,] miss[,] outta there.

You have some comma issues.

A man groaning in agony. Is this the "scream?"

Quoted Text Would somebody open up this god damned door[?]

Quoted Text Finally fed up, she gets a tight hold on the handle and and pulls hard.

Quoted Text unaffected by the (extra space) fire.

Quoted Text disappears into flames (or the flame)

No FADE OUT.

Story was pretty good, writing was decent overall. It could shine with a rewrite and some polishing. Congrats on entering.

Pretty good script. Brianna seems a decent sort, so what did she do to deserve going to hell? Perhaps someone needs to remark that she was once suspected of doing something bad? As it is, a seemingly nice grandmother going to hell seems rather arbitrary.