This was certainly good.
The only thing is Josh and Rachel at the beginning - I for one couldn’t understand their importance. And you opened with them for some reason.
Also, there’s a convo about Hannah owing to her (or not) - I thought you’d capitalize on that. Since you did not - it’s irrelevant to the rest of the script.
Good luck to you with it

Logline - Good...it actually tells me something.

Title Page - Fine, no issues

JOSH and RACHEL, 20s - I always say this but as usual, no one listens.  Think about this - think about the difference in a 20 year old kid and a 29 year old adult.  Think about the difference of where they are in life, what they have or don't have.  It's a huge difference, meaning, give your characters an age and make it right for them and the story.

Page 3 - OK, on page 3 and we have alot of talking, but we also have a good clue in what Rachel said (as well as the logline), but here's where I'm struggling.  First of all, why in the world would a 27/28 year old couple who just moved into a new house, throw a Halloween party. I mean, why them?  Why not a friend,  knowing how hard it is moving in and then hosting a big party.  Doesn't make sense.  Also, and we have to go back to the original age issue of Josh and Rachel - Hannah obviously knows Rachel, and talks about Rachel being there for her sister (who appears to have died), but why aren't they real friends?  Is there an age difference?  Again, I'm just assuming here, but it sounds like Hannah and Clint didn't move from afar, so why wouldn't they know the same stories about the house that Rachel does?

Uh oh...the dreaded and so overused Ouija board.

Page 5 - I'm a little confused - this "ghost" of Perry just shows up and starts talking with Hannah and there's nothing written about her reaction, as if it's no big deal.  Am I missing something?

Page 7 - (not the Perry we're seeing) - Well, there's a wrylie I've never come across before.  I guess I get what you're trying to show, but it sure comes across as odd.

Page 8 - the writing's not great here.  Some odd word choices.

"She runs to him, but, he’s dead.  Hannah sprints upstairs." - Here's a perfect example. The way it's written, there's no emotion.  It's like, "Oh well, he's dead.  Off I go.  Also, though, there's alot being conveyed here and it's definitely a number of separate shots and shouldn't be all on the same line, written so matter of factly.

The end.  Hmmm, what to say, where to begin?  The good news is that it's not bad at all.  But the not so good news is that's it's not good, either.  There's really no reason at all that I can come up with that anything in this script would happen (even in a horror movie, where things happen that would never, ever happen).  It just doesn't make any sense, and because of that, I couldn't invest myself in anything I was reading.

**

The writing is quite good, for the most part. Not great, it needs work to get there, but the potential is easy to see. I have a feeling this was rushed, especially the second half. Right after Perry shows up, the pace starts to slip and slide.

Great characters on display here, with the notable exception of our protagonist. Hannah is a cardboard cutout, she could be literally anyone. Contrast that with Perry, a fantastic character. I loved everything about him.

Others have already touched on the crux of the issues with this. Lack of emotion, and no real stakes for Hannah. When Hannah killed Clint, there should have been a huge reaction. She was just tricked by a ghost into killing someone she is supposed to care about (I don't get their relationship), but there isn't even a break on the page, she just runs after Perry. And why should she care about people who have been dead for decades? Why should she trust that she can save anyone, especially at the cost of her very real life?

It's good that Nancy shows up at the end to prove she did make a difference, but we don't care about Nancy. We don't know Nancy. Maybe a prologue showing Nancy's horrible fate back in the 1950s would make us care about her avoiding that fate even if it's just exchanging one life for another.

Where's Dick? He was supposed to be upstairs, presumably with Nancy, but there's no sign of him.

When Perry whispers in Clint's ear, the dialogue immediately following seems to be what he whispered ("Sorry Hannah. I need you.") That was confusing because I didn't understand why that would make Clint wake up and trance walk. Perry should look back at her or have another beat before speaking to separate the two.

Storywise, this is my favorite so far, which is why I really want you to fix it. It has the potential to be excellent. I love the idea of a ghost repeating the murders, like an endless loop, but one that can be broken by the living, with a catch. And how many murder-suicides are going to keep happening in that house by new occupants? But there has to be some logic to it, some stakes for the living, real or not. Maybe the realtor is like a soul collector, or a cohort of the ghosts, ensuring that only couples buy the house? That would make it a great Twilight Zone episode.

Also, kudos for implementing the scream. One of the most believable ones I've read.

An excellent story, good characters, and well written. Though it probably doesn’t matter, the logic just doesn’t hold up. A ghost from the past jumps to the future in order to convince someone to sacrifice herself to save the life of one of the people he killed in the past. And this profits Perry how? I assume this cold-blooded killer isn’t doing it out of the goodness of his heart.

On page 6 Perry says Hannah’s sacrifice can save the lives of some of the Clutters, as well as his own: “They’ll all the die if you don’t. … As will I.”

The only way he won’t die is if none of the Clutters are killed in the first place, and already in the “present” he and his bud Dick are killing left and right.

Time-travel paradoxes, even for ghosts, are killers.

So I read this a couple days ago but accidentally erased my review. I really liked the concept here. "In Cold Blood" isca brilliant novel and I love the film, Capote. Your writing is very good and visual. I do think it needs some work though, and wasn't sure how well it fit in the horror genre.

Definitely worth working on...maybe even expanding. Nice work!!

Hey Paul, additional thoughts as I just read yours again. The thing that stands out is that this actually is scary .

Smart move using a factual horror story and adding another strand of present day haunted house horror to it. I didn't get the loop thing until reading Rene's comments.

Reading your comments on the main thread, I suppose you could expand this idea to twenty pages but if you're going to do that you might want to consider turning it into feature length.

Quoted from RolandJ Well written story. QUESTION: There were no survivors. But were the killers ever caught and punished? I understand the ghosts of the former killers are re-enacting their previous brutality on the former owners, while present owner Hanna sacrifices herself to save Nancy. QUESTION: It was never clear if Hanna was the first such repeat victim since the original murders, or is she just the latest victim? Clarifying that would add greater depth and history about this 'Haunted' house'.

Yes, Perry and Dick were both caught and hung in real life. (About 20 miles from where I currently live.) That's why I have Perry in a prison jumpsuit and show the two men hanging from a tree. Though, they weren't actually hung from a tree. They were hung from gallows on prison grounds.

For your second question: one mistake I made (out of many) was not including a line I wrote for Perry... "Everyone else has failed. But, you won't, will you Hannah?" Its role was to suggest the repeating nature of the event. No previous owners found a way to stop him. (I picture them all quickly moving out after Perry's "visit")

I debated the line all Friday evening before deciding to leave it out. Should have put it in.

For the record, I debated 3 separate issues in the run-up to submitting. I think I made the wrong call on all three. (Dave caught one... every single line highlighted in his comment was added last minute.) The third was adding the opening paragraph. I initially had: "Inspired by actual events." On that one, I'm still not sure which is correct. I just don't like the opening paragraph as it sits.

Quoted from Anon Maybe something better.more original than the Ouija board thing could be added.

Yep. I'll be working on that one. Thanks!

Quoted from eldave1 Is a bit on the nose and not really necessary. If you removed it from the script - nothing would really change. I like your imagination.

Your quoted text doesn't show up when I try to quote your comments...

But, let me say: BUSTED.

The EXACT section you nailed me on was added 30 minutes before submitting. I was desperately trying to wedge in some sort of motivation for Hannah to act. (That's a bad problem to be solving last minute.) I thought: "what if she lost her sister at a young age? Maybe she'd identify with trying to save young Nancy." Ugh. Back to the drawing board, because I really need a motivation for Hannah to complete this thing right.

(And, good god, man. You're instincts are amazing.)

Quoted from stevie Oh wow I picked a bottom one for a quick read and it’s damn good! Based on In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - a true story - which no one has mentioned?  I like the imagery here and the dialogue is pretty neat. Ok the ‘there were no survivors’ jars with the ending but I think that’s to make it leave more to our imagination. Even a little changing of history I guess   I like it It will be hard to top this one though I’ve only read 3 or 4    Well done

Thank you for noticing and pointing out the In Cold Blood connection. I was terrified nobody would see it. Once you noted it, I was calm as could be. I had accomplished what I wanted. You made my week.

Quoted from Lightfoot Who actually shot Clint? I can understand the shotgun killing Kenyon as he was there to reenact the past, but I'm thinking Hannah was the one who shot Clint, when she tried to stop Perry. Nothing is built on that though, they kinda just move on to the bedroom.

Yes, Hannah shot Clint when she tried to shoot Perry.

And, I'll be working on fixing her reaction. Thanks for the note!

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 7 - (not the Perry we're seeing) - Well, there's a wrylie I've never come across before.  I guess I get what you're trying to show, but it sure comes across as odd.

I knew you'd like that one. (You're definitely in my head.) I'll see if there's another way to handle it in the rewrite.

And, regarding Hannah's reaction to Clint being shot... she ran upstairs to call 911 but Perry stops her. Nobody really caught that/bought that, so I'll be reworking this section.

Thanks for the notes! Very helpful.

Quoted from ReneC The writing is quite good, for the most part. Not great, it needs work to get there, but the potential is easy to see. I have a feeling this was rushed, especially the second half. Right after Perry shows up, the pace starts to slip and slide. Great characters on display here, with the notable exception of our protagonist. Hannah is a cardboard cutout, she could be literally anyone. Contrast that with Perry, a fantastic character. I loved everything about him. Others have already touched on the crux of the issues with this. Lack of emotion, and no real stakes for Hannah. When Hannah killed Clint, there should have been a huge reaction. She was just tricked by a ghost into killing someone she is supposed to care about (I don't get their relationship), but there isn't even a break on the page, she just runs after Perry. And why should she care about people who have been dead for decades? Why should she trust that she can save anyone, especially at the cost of her very real life? It's good that Nancy shows up at the end to prove she did make a difference, but we don't care about Nancy. We don't know Nancy. Maybe a prologue showing Nancy's horrible fate back in the 1950s would make us care about her avoiding that fate even if it's just exchanging one life for another. Where's Dick? He was supposed to be upstairs, presumably with Nancy, but there's no sign of him. When Perry whispers in Clint's ear, the dialogue immediately following seems to be what he whispered ("Sorry Hannah. I need you.") That was confusing because I didn't understand why that would make Clint wake up and trance walk. Perry should look back at her or have another beat before speaking to separate the two. Storywise, this is my favorite so far, which is why I really want you to fix it. It has the potential to be excellent. I love the idea of a ghost repeating the murders, like an endless loop, but one that can be broken by the living, with a catch. And how many murder-suicides are going to keep happening in that house by new occupants? But there has to be some logic to it, some stakes for the living, real or not. Maybe the realtor is like a soul collector, or a cohort of the ghosts, ensuring that only couples buy the house? That would make it a great Twilight Zone episode. Also, kudos for implementing the scream. One of the most believable ones I've read.

Great notes, as always. I look forward to your review every time.

Quoted from LC Reading your comments on the main thread, I suppose you could expand this idea to twenty pages but if you're going to do that you might want to consider turning it into feature length.

Thank you. You've inspired me to think about this as a potential feature. I don't know that I would have considered it otherwise!


And thanks to everyone else for the notes. I've already spammed this thread up, so I won't call out any others, but so many people provided excellent insight for a rewrite/expansion.

Hey,

It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I’m more of a lurker now than a participant lol. Glanced over a few comments but don’t remember much from them so sorry if this was mentioned before.

Spoilers

I can see why this was a top pick but one question, Perry’s introduction to Hannah...why doesn’t she just flee lol? I mean, she’s seeing a ghost. Flight or fight will suggest screw Clint, save yourself lol. Or, she will desperately try to wake Clint as fast and rough as possible? If it doesn’t work, get the f out lol. You can then have her trapped in there which will force her to do what she has to do.

I think the opening insert where you tell us about the prisoners can be removed. I think it’ll be better if we find out slowly as the story progresses. If you tell us early on, I think some will get an idea of where the story is heading which will ruin the suspense.

An idea that occurred: 1. you remove the prisoners insert 2.Tell the story of Hannah and Clint, 3. at the end the old lady finds the bodies, 4. kind of the like the film “urban legends”, you reveal that Clint and Hannah happened in the past by showing someone’s telling their story to the new home owners of the present since their having a stupid Halloween party 5. Of course they don’t believe it but they hear the scream which ends the short/feature. Hopefully this makes sense, if not ask me. lol.

But I understand the complexity in writing for an OWC.  You can definitely rewrite this and hopefully someone determined enough will shoot this.

Hope this helps,
Gabe