The setup is there: sleep paralysis. Pretty horrific thought. But, unfortunately, this particular story doesn't really take advantage of the setup.

In fact, it's more about his inability to discern fact from fantasy than it is about paralysis.

That said, I think the other thing holding this particular script back is an abundance of non-essential elements. The police don't add anything. The random house. Teaching him to dance, etc.

How do any of these things advance your central story?

(Teaching him to dance, if it had a story-centric purpose, is a great horror-story element.)

Another unexplained/maybe unnecessary element: the demon is not his regular demon. Why is this important? (I'm not saying it's not important... I just need to know WHY it's important.)

Good premise, though.

Thanks for sharing.

Watch out for the FADE IN: police around here; it never hurts to put it in, it always helps.
The -- in slugs is mildly forgivable, but not in dialog. Better to use just one in both cases.
There's spacing issues, usually between character slugs and dialog. This might be a result of the writing  program you were using. The spacing also seems to cause quite a few orphans.

wearing a hat What kind of a hat? There's many types of hats.

Then looks around - looks around. (Then's aren't needed. Actions happen as they happen)
however, it fades away= it fades away. (However actions happen as they happen)

No scream that only one of two people hears , (and hardly a scream at all) no house for majority of script...missed the parameters of the OWC Nice subject though...but, how do we know what's "real" and what's not in the story? This is the only possible reason why those coppers from Keystone speak the way they do.  

Logline - Jumbled and confused. Not well written at all.

Title Page - Well, let's hope this isn't your real name.

"a young teen" - Oh boy, here we go again.  So, young teen to me means 13, 14 tops.

Lays - lies.  Floor used twice is a row.  Writing is not good right out of the gate.

Aneres is a young woman, meaning we have absolutely no clue how old she is or why she's with this young teen. Maybe she's his Mom?  How would anyone know?

Page 2 - So, this young woman, Aneres, who lives with her parents for some reason, even though she's a young woman, is hanging out with a young teen in some random house, throwing a Halloween party?  Really?  Does that sound remotely believable?

I'd love to know where this is supposed to be taking place - random, abandoned houses, corn fields, rusty cars under street lights, wind chimes hanging from a tree, and muggers and hijackers, of all things.  OMG, that's funny.  Too funny!  I'm wondering now if Aneres may actually be one of those hijackers?

Wow, this is unreal.  They're now doing dance lessons after the party, after the young teen got drunk off his arse?  Aren't they the least bit concerned about being mugged or hijacked?  I'm wondering if the title should have been "The Hijacker".

The old hatted sleep paralysis demon.  Damn him and that damned hat he keeps wearing!

Page 7 - Is this the same house as the beginning?  First it was "OLD HOUSE", now it's just HOUSE.

"The house is still completely trashed." - Wait, you mean no hijackers or muggers came in while they were dancing and cleaned the place up?

There's an armoire in this old random house?  I wonder where the owners of the house are?  Do you think they care about this young woman and young teen having a party and dancing lessons at their house?

"Jax sits hard against the floor, and grasps onto his hair.  He hyperventilates, and tears streaming down his face.  Aneres gets down in front of him, wearing a completely terrified face." - This is a very poorly written passage.  So many things wrong here, it's kind of crazy.

"EXT. HOUSE -- MIDNIGHT" - Never use a time in a Slug.  This is both wrong and goofy.

The police officers dialogue is absurd.  I'm trying to decide if I like Police Officer better than Police Officer #2.  It's a tough call, as they're both great characters.

The end.  WOW...not sure what else to say.  I have to assume and hope this is from a first time writer, possibly whose first language is not English, as this is a real mess, makes no sense, and just doesn't work at all, as written and conceived.

Stick to it.  Read lots of scripts.  Ask lots of questions.  Best of luck.

zero

Hi writer.

Interesting premise worthy of exploring. You made it about the cops towards the end- that switch didn’t work for me. I say stick with your main guys for a short story. There are exclusions to that rule surely that work, but not in this case imo.

Prose wise - this is over descriptive for me and you give us every matter of factly movement - That slows down the read.

Much work should be done on dialog and I say drop the half words. Don’t cut your characters - that you do all the time. Also, all of your characters sound the same for me, make them stand out.

Good luck with this and in general. And good luck to me too - we really are in the same boat, although I haven’t written for this one.

This isn’t a Halloween story. It’s about a guy who sees a demon when he suffers sleep paralysis. In this story, Jax learns some dance moves, but otherwise he’s just around for Silhouette to scare. And the scream on page 4 is caused by wind chimes, not a person — and a second person, Aneres, hears it, both of which are contrary to the rules.

On page 8 Jax suffers a broken arm (according to Jax) and asks Aneres to pop it back into place. Perhaps he meant to say his shoulder was dislocated? Then at the end, the Keystone Cops show up and promptly have their car stolen.

The writer can tell a story, but this particular one just doesn’t have much substance.