An Occurrence on Owl Street by John E Staats (JEStaats) writing as Rod Surely - Short, Thriller - A man runs for home after a case of mistaken identity.  - pdf format

An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge - S5E22


Writer interested in feedback on this work

Even though I saw the end coming, it still made me sad.  Terrible as it is in the world we live in, ripped from the headlines, I really like the way it works.  Very real and textured in my mind's eye.  Well done.

Ah, man, this one was a bummer. But powerful stuff. I loved how you took this TZ tale and weaved into something current -- although, this kinda thing has been going on since the original TZ episodes aired (and long before that). Just goes to show how much further we have to go in regards to racial profiling, relations with the police, etc.

One gripe was when Jack stops in the playground to chat with the little boy. His whole demeanor changes, as if he wasn't being chased at all. I know, it's a surreal kinda tale, but I think it'd fit better with the pacing if Jack tried hiding in the playground and the kid spotted him and they talked.

Anyway, that was pretty damn good, I liked it a lot.

-- Michael

Well this was a sobering look at recent events.  So i commend you on putting your own spin on things. It’s pretty straight-forward. Minor observation; Jack talking to himself in the alley, not sure that line was needed.  Methinks the pic of his family would suffice. JMHO though.

Anywaz, I enjoyed it. Hats off & GL with it. -A

Very nice take on the episode, well written and of the now.

I've little to add beyond I thought the very final scene, though we know what's coming, felt a little abrupt... maybe expand it a little bit, show Jack smiling (because he's 'home') or something.

Great writing

Hi writer,

Yeah, OK… this one was a quick read, it was very suspenseful and made me read on with anticipation.

That being said, the only thing I’d lose is the dialog between Jack and the boy at the park, that seemed kind of off considering his circumstance, that being he’s on the lam but feels compelled to stop and reminisce about his youth. Probably just hiding near a bush in the park and motioning to the boy to ‘hush’, then the boy tells him to get going. Just my opinion of course. Works well, good job.

Very similar title to the original - Not saying it's a bad thing just seems lazy to me.

I read this just after reading "Great Again" which has the same theme and is very poignant. The other one was written better, but this one I felt had a much better story and was more powerful. Got me in the feelers at the end.

Just read the plot for the TZ episode, and it's basically the same story, but in a different time - don't get me wrong it is nicely aligned with it's modern message - but it's not really it's "own story". I won't mark down on it I guess, just thought I would mention.

Great job though.

Nicely written and poignant. Part of me felt uncomfortable reading it and that it was maybe too soon but then I realised this has been going on for hundreds of years and I should feel uncomfortable.

A couple of suggestions. Him taking the photo out of the wallet and saying he needs to get home felt purely for the benefit of the audience and not his.

Being guided by his Uncle and younger version of himself was a nice touch but didn't seem relevant to the story.  It would be a nice touch if he has this imaginary journey home, then manages to break free from the police for real and follow the directions from his imagination to outrun the police for a different spin on things.

Great effort.

-Mark

First off writer, I commend you for the positive reviews you've received thus far. However, I'm not in this camp. Not knowing who the writer is, I'm choosing my words carefully and have chosen to comment outside of the technical writing POV.

I'm torn because I wanted to like this one as it's timely and touches on an important topic.

Though I think the execution is done in poor taste. I felt very uncomfortable reading this script and not in a good self-reflective way. We know how this story is going to end on Page 1, not just because it's an exact rewrite of a TZ episode, but because you're retelling an exact real life event where a real person actually died this way. I'm sorry, but I can't look past that. Perhaps it's too soon for me?

There is no twist, no agency given to the character to defy his outcome. Perhaps that's the point. It came off as a spectacle to me, though this might not have been your intention as I understand it could have been commentary. If this was an attempt at honouring the person and families affected by this event, I don't see it and welcome a discussion in PM.

Thanks.

This was a pretty decent contemporary retelling of the original. Very similar but a different overall feel to it.

I have to agree with others about the photo. So overdone and unnecessary. Maybe instead of buying a bottle in the beginning, he was buying a birthday present for his girl? I think maybe the encounter in the playground could have been heightened somehow. IDK.

Nice work.

I have seen Enrico's "Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" about a dozen times, so I appreciate your modern take on it. I like the small references you made throughout: 1962, Enrico, etc.

This works well overall. The original was mostly without dialogue, and I wonder how this would have worked if you had followed suit. There was a weird vibe in that episode, and you captured that, but maybe you could have pushed the envelope just a bit on that.

Thanks for updating a great episode.

I was already familiar with the short story that the episode was based on and I must say this is a very good update of the story. The story hits hard no matter what time period you put it in.

Powerful script. Loved this.

Apart from Jack talking to that little boy, everything else was written perfectly as it should. The ending made me sad.

Very well written. Good job writer.

Surely, you can't be serious. This episode is notable for having been an award-winning French silent short film two years prior.

A Twilight Zone script with a twilight time indicator.

Fucking pigs. Too soon.

Serling Avenue. Nice.

Yikes.  

This was beautifully written. Obviously a seasoned pro. Outstanding job.

We’ve traded the creek for a street. Let’s go…

This is gonna be a sad one considering I know how the episode ends.

Verrrrrrry convenient little visual there. He looks at the photo in his wallet… there are more creative ways to tell us he has a family before page 3, even by using other visual tricks.

Look, it was a good take on a classic episode, and it was topical. I appreciate that. I guess knowing the episode spoils this one almost immediately. At least with other stories I kinda thought there would be a twist on a known twist. I think this is the most obvious script I’ve read so far.

Not too bad, but considering it ended on the top of page 5, I think you could have fleshed it out a little more and tried to deceive a bit. It was so obvious he was dead from the second he saw Uncle Dave, the rest of the script didn’t even really matter. Whenever there is a “he was dead all along” story it usually brings you along in such creative ways, the twist hits you like a brick. I guess it’s not fair here b/c we know the inspiration… but I still think you could have flipped it on us in some way.