Help me I'm hurt by Gladys Cooper - An old woman is hunted down by some entity.

Nothing in the Dark - S316
  - Short, Horror

Another one that is more in the re-write category, but I'm fine with that in this challenge.

Thought this was well written but the middle felt a little talky and then the end a little abrupt.

I think this could be expanded a little outside of the challenge and these two points tweaked.

I enjoyed it.

I thought this was good. but with me too, the ending seemed abrupt. Or maybe I'm missing the point. Yeah, I know there's a page limit and all, but still...  Just thought I'd throw this out there, but wouldn't her son (Bill) have a key to his mother's house? Dialogue was good, but could use a little trim. Overall, I did enjoy it though. -A

Quoted Text NANCY I don’t like the thought of that thing being at my front door and me being all the way in the bedroom.

Hm, don't see the logic there. Could be just a character quirk.

Quoted Text SMASH CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

We go from INT. BEDROOM to SMASHCUT TO INT. BEDROOM? I see what you're going for but it should be written different. Maybe a FADE TO BLACK to show that she's fallen asleep? Or just a LATER mini slug.

Overall, this one was pretty decent, though it feels a little rushed. I'll attribute that to the 6 page limit -- I feel like it could be a few pages longer. The reveal, I saw coming, but still a good visual, especially with doppelganger Nancy smiling at Nancy.

Nice work.

-- Michael

I enjoyed this. The page limit hurt you here though. You needed the talky bit in the middle to explain things and it all felt very natural and necessary, you then had to wrap things up really quickly which made it quite an abrupt end.

Here is a thought. The Thing is getting cleverer and adapting, so what if the Thing was Bill and she's let him in?

Great job.

-Mark

No FADE IN or FADE OUT, which just looks "wrong", sorry to say.

Title doesn't work for me, either.

Opening passage shows me that the writing is going to be suspect.

OK, wait a sec...so a guy is lying in the road outside this closed house, and she can hear him inside?

When you use a POV, you have to return to normal.  If you don't everything will be in the POV, which is impossible.

ON Page 2, you "FADE TO BLACK", but never FADE back IN, so from here on out, we have a black screen.  And, as earlier noted, you never even faded in, in the very beginning.

The phone call dialogue does not come off remotely natural.

Bill and Nancy's dialogue together is pretty good, but off in places.  They have some kind of countryish twang, yet at other times, they completely lose it.  I can tell you tried, though, so that's good - just go over it a few more times and clean it up.

Looks like you ran out of time, as the end doesn't work as written - but, it could.  This needs work, but I think it can be quite good with more pages, and a better thought out finale.

I liked this one, but felt like the middle slowed down the suspense and action that was built up in the first 2 pages. I would've liked to see more interactions with Nancy and "The Thing" escalating the danger and severity of the situation, after the phone call with Bill.

There's an option to have The Thing take the form of Jensen, rather than explaining that to Bill. The Thing could've also taken the form of Bill before he gets there. So that once Bill does arrive, there's an option to make an unnerved Nancy question the identity of her son. All possible rewrites, just throwing it out here

I liked the ending!

Overall, good job.

...some entity?
Your logline needs a serious revamp. Just by even adding
...a terrifying entity...
It's way more intriguing and scary.

Title's very uninspiring too. I'm going to assume looming deadline issues.

I'm surprised Jeff didn't point out the lies v lays error.

Down to me being a broken record.  
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

So, the devil has become a shape-shifter ala The Thing. A little nod to Let The Right One In too.

The morning sun tiptoes around the curtains and blinds...
sunlight would improve this imh.

The writing in general needs a spruce up and get rid of the Smash Cuts imh.
Not a bad story, just a bit derivative.

The writing was good.

I was expecting a twist. But it didn't happen. It just ended, abruptly.

Overall, it was okay. Could have been a lot better with a better ending.

Quoted from LC ...some entity? Your logline needs a serious revamp. Just by even adding ...a terrifying entity... It's way more intriguing and scary. Title's very uninspiring too. I'm going to assume looming deadline issues. I'm surprised Jeff didn't point out the lies v lays error. Down to me being a broken record.   https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie So, the devil has become a shape-shifter ala The Thing. A little nod to Let The Right One In too. The morning sun tiptoes around the curtains and blinds... sunlight would improve this imh. The writing in general needs a spruce up and get rid of the Smash Cuts imh. Not a bad story, just a bit derivative.

Libby, I have pretty much given up on the lays and lies, as peeps either don't get it or don't care.

I do agree with all your comments here, though.  Since I didn't enter, I'm trying to be less detailed in my feedback.

I like the idea, but I think the opening is too long. Bill just needs to get there. I was hoping Bill would be the Monster. I don't know how Nancy was able to get outside and trick Bill. Wouldn't he know his mother's house?

Just doesn't make sense if you break it down.

I liked the writing and the dialogue was good. Just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Definitely small budget and very easy to film. Good job on that part.

I like your take on the original but by revealing that the 'thing' is taking on multiple shapes in the first page, we know that the thing is for real. If it was just the policeman, there would still be doubt if the thing was real or just imagined.

Otherwise, I like the story and wish the ending was just a little more drawn out and defined.

Thanks for making me watch the original episode. I didn't know Robert Redford ever starred in a Twilight Zone!

Hello Writer

Interesting and creepy opening - old lady getting harassed by some other-worldly being.

The son shows up, the dialogue that ensues would probably be a bit dull to watch... I'm skipping most of it to be honest.

Alright - Most of that talking doesn't add anything I don't - I mean I skipped most of it and the ending still makes sense. Monster appears, pretends to be Nancy presumably to gain access to the house.

You should cut the talking, add more horror and tension and maybe you could have a nice spooky tale

All the best with it

Hi writer,

Okay, I recapped the episode narration to see what you were after. Some entity, as you state; an imp, trickster from beyond wants to gain access to this elderly woman’s cabin to…? I’m guessing for nefarious purposes. But it seems this evil spectre/presence requires an invite to gain access to the home, kind of like a Vampire if you will, and that makes sense, inviting evil in opens up the gateway.

In the end it masked itself as the woman, but why didn’t it just mask itself as her son? I’m presuming it only comes calling at night, and that would make the story null. Anyway, it finds a way to entice her son, by cloaking itself as his mother, but then the story ends abruptly, and we never find out what happens to the woman, her son… or that damn ghoul lurking in the shadows.

Fun and strange twist on the original, but no real payoff or closure that blows it out of the ballpark.

Unleeeeeeess… the demon assumed the identity of the old woman, killed her son, went to Hollywood, and was cast as the Grandma in the diner scene in that movie ‘Legion’?



Now we’re talking! Best of luck…

I think this will make a pretty good short horror film with an extended ending. Sucks you had to end it so abruptly.

I'd like her neighbors to have a slightly bigger part to play in this. Bill probably thinks his mom is going crazy and having him go to the neighbor's house and seeing that they are there will make him believe that even more.

Anyways, I liked this one.

Good job.

Quoted from Gum Unleeeeeeess… the demon assumed the identity of the old woman, killed her son, went to Hollywood, and was cast as the Grandma in the diner scene in that movie ‘Legion’?

Hahaha! Loved that scene!

Talk about a lazy logline, ha. I’m not mad at ya.

I like the episode you’re drawing inspiration from. Haven’t seen it in ages, but I’m excited to see which direction you take it.

COTTAGE HOUSE feels redundant.

Cool opening scene. Feels extremely familiar to something else I’ve watched recently. Can’t put my finger on it. Wasn’t the Twilight Zone.

Feel like a bit of this dialogue can be streamlined. Not a big problem, but a sentence like “The jensens who live about a mile down the road have gone missin’.” Can just as easily be “The Jensens down the road have gone missin’.”

Bill is the monster, right?

Oh ok, there was a twist on what seemed like the obvious twist.

Pretty good. Feels like a re-write. I swear I recently saw or read something very similar like this except it was 2 kids instead of an old woman. May have been a cartoon? I don’t know why this story seemed so familiar – like almost to a T – to whatever it is I’m thinking of.

BTW, I think that title could be improved, but that’s a nitpick.