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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Halloween 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Last Day - OWC
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  Author    Last Day - OWC  (currently 1036 views)
LC
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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Twenty-Two, definitely the inspiration for Final Destination... Wow, never saw it, never realised, this Ep, I mean. Stopover, I did enjoy. Very creepy.

Which leads to Last Day, which is very creepy too.
You managed to escalate the tension nicely with this tale.
I even thought you knew the difference between lie and lay. Don't mind me...

The ending, though pretty good via the reveal (bit of a Source Code flashback for me) was just a bit anti-climactic.

Torture devices are used normally to extract information or confessions, also for punishment I suppose...

I don't know...A bit more of a satisfying motive was needed imho, apart from idle experimentation.

That said, nice building of suspense and intrigue.


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Claudio
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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This is my favorite sub.

Clear writing. This writer has a really good sense of pacing and flow. This is one of the few submissions that felt like an actual TZ episode to me. The names, setting, and dialogue all make this piece feel eerily timeless and unsettling. This could have ended with some ham-fisted OTN conversation, but there is genuine mystery and intrigue in the ending that made me feel like I was watching a TZ episode.

Masterful work here, thank you for entering.


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spesh2k
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work, Bort, this was, I believe, tied for my 2nd favorite entry of the OWC.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Bort
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for reading and commenting! It was great to get your feedback as improving my writing is my main goal for entering the OWC.

Good to know my use of repetition in the action lines was a bit overkill as my concern was that the repeat events weren't going to read clear so there was overcompensation on my part. Definitely could use with some pruning.


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Did Herb know he was going into a torture chamber and thought he could beat it?


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I'm interested in knowing more about those scientists and the place they are in. I'm assuming Herb worked there as well?


Yes, this was what I was hinting at. Herb thought he could beat this machine in testing. I can see this was too subtle and my ending was a bit rushed. There was a bet placed that the audience does not see and Herb thought he could win. He doesn't, loses his life and lunch for the Scientists is on him.


Quoted Text

Reading the outline for Twenty-Two, this surely has to be the inspiration for Final Destination?

Anyway, onto the script. Nothing wrong with it and it read fine. Time loops and virtual torture has been covered extensively though, in Black Mirror for example (which of course is inspired from the Twilight Zone) and I didn't see any new spin here.


Twenty-two is the inspiration for Final Destination! Re: the Black Mirror bit -- I was afraid this was going to happen with this script. Whenever you try to modernize a TZ rewrite/inspired ep with technology, I think it automatically becomes a Black Mirror episode. Alas, I couldn't think of a way around it and to that I say... ¯\_(' v ')_/¯  Blame it on me spending 4 days watching original TZ episodes and only 1 day on the writing, haha.

To address the comments about this being a time loop:
Funny how that was the majority of how my script was read as that's not what I initially thought of when I wrote it. I think Gum got it the most right with their comment.


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The constant pain in Crawley’s temple region, I guess, is a detailed analysis that the torture device is not quite ready for prime time, being it fried his brain? Just my take, because there should be consistent looping without brain damage to inflict the most pain, mental anguish that is.

I see this was a fusion of two separate episodes? One: being stuck in a bad dream, and two: being surrounded by things that are not real, or in this case illusory, but the mind creates reality based on electrical impulses, here created by the scientists.

This world, however, having the recipient believe they are truly insane, and in the right place for the remedy… is a true mind-hack the likes of perpetual claustrophobia.


Killing the user was not the end goal. Virtual waterboarding was the purpose for this device, hence the looping event set in a mental hospital on the day of someone's discharge. As the whole event is revealed to be part of a larger virtual reality, the Nurse in my story is a Program much like an algorithm, destined to repeat the same shit over and over again. Entering this device sound of mind, exiting questioning their sanity by way of looping the same event. Without being the writer I suppose that would be read as a "time loop". I was thinking more of a digital program looping a virtual reality. Death was a byproduct of version testing.

Glad the reveal was generally well received, but the ending and the script will do well with a polish.

Thanks again for all your feedback! I look forward to entering the next OWC!
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