Good writing but feels unfinished.

I guess this needs extra 2 or 3 pages to work. Unless you are not establishing the relationship between Clayton and his Grandpa, this won't work. Another way is, to establish the caller (Grandpa) as a supernatural force who can alter the minds.

Overall, this was a decent read.

OK, I wuz gonna scribble some comments after reading, but I didn't find a lot to comment on. My one substantive comment; Clayton stabbing Lauren feels forced, but I also get the feeling it's more so do to the page limit rather than the story itself. Nice work overall... -A

Hello writer

Quoted Text Her heels click on the pavement as she steps out of the SUV.

She steps out from the SUV in the garage onto the pavement? That's a big step lol

Some of the description/action seems a bit clunky in places, making me double read in places... or maybe it's just my tired eyes.

Quoted Text We feel the vibration through the floorboards.

Ooo is this gonna play in one of those fancy cinemas where the seat vibrates?

Too many "we" in this for my liking.

This kid is surprisingly calm considering he is now talking to his dead Grandpa.

Quoted Text LAUREN Why are you doing this?

Again this is super calm considering she has just woken up to see her son stabbing his dad.

The ending was a bit of a letdown, just holding the phone to his dad's ear - I was hoping for more.

The kid is easily convinced into killing his parents, with no kind of remorse or hesitation - This makes him a dull one-dimensional character and the story suffers for it. Also think the killing should have been more of a tussle - at the moment the mom jumps out of bed, calmly asks what her murderous son is doing, then stands there as he stabs her in the stomach

writing could do with work, the read was more laboured than it had to be.

Not that much of a fan of this one in its current form. Could easily be reworked to make it great thought.

All the best with it.

Ok, definitely know this episode.

Why wouldn’t this be updated with a cellphone? Makes perfect sense.

Sorry, I don’t like the way that played out. It got too graphic and I don’t even know why.

Why would he listen to his grandfather to kills his parents? What the heck motivated that?
And if by some chance you were to tell me h was possessed or something, where did that come from? There was no setup for any of it. You could have easily had a little moment that said he idolized his grandfather or something to at the very least make it plausible.

The writing hooked me, but I was left wanting more.

I was captivated by this story, I had no idea how it would end. This writer has a good sense of suspense and they clearly know how to write tension.

I'm sad about the ending, it just kinda happened. I think this could be pretty great with a little editing.