Caller Unknown by Blank - Thanks to a myserteous cell phone, a grieving grandson is able to communicate with his deceased grandfather, but should we really commune with the dead?

Long Distance Call - S2E22
  - Short, Slasher

This is one of my favorite TZ episodes... but I can't open the script.

Have let Don know, Michael.
Just hit the Report button on the thread if you get a 404.

I'm also looking forward to read this one.

Just did.

Course you did. Don't mind me, I'm still half asleep.

Fixed.

- Don

PAGE 1: Right off the bat, you don't need (ESTABLISHING) in the scene heading.

The final dialogue isn't necessary at the end with his mom asking why he did this. He already said why out loud before stabbing his dad.

Overall, this was pretty decent, I liked it. I absolutely adore the TZ episode. But I'm missing the irony, here. Why did Grandpa want him to kill his parents? Because they wouldn't let him talk to his grandpa? It doesn't really seem to wrap up well and come full circle.

I did like it, though the writing can use a bit fine-tuning, polishing up. Nice work!

-- Michael

The writing here is crisp and the script moves along well.

But a few passages confused me a couple of times and I wasn't really sure why Clayton would do this for someone he'd never really know... part of the power of the original is that he loved his Grandma.

Having said that, I did like the dark twist this takes and the fact that someone did manage to make a slasher out of a TWZ episode  

Good effort

One of my fav original episodes of TZ.

...
Onto your rendition...

An awkward opening the way it reads. You need car in the slug imho, and the 'steers with Lauren etc.' is a bit clunky and ambiguous.

I needed to read this twice to get it. Might be me...
Okay, getting right into it now...

Bankers box, okay, so it's grandpa's personal effects. And a good receptacle for his cell phone and speaking from beyond the grave.

I'm not averse to 'we this' and 'we that' under certain circumstances.

Clayton, asleep in bed. We hear the vibration.
Here though, it surely would work better if Clayton startles awake and hears the vibrating phone?
Up the suspense which as is, is a bit static at the moment.

Surely include a photo of young Clayton with his grandpa - establish a bond, a history?

Along those lines I think Clayton should definitely be younger than sixteen. It'd be way more creepy and scarier and more horrifying as we go along, but particularly with your ending. Make him an 'innocent', Grandpa pulling the strings. Establish a close relationship between them instead of 'you don't remember me/didn't bother to see me etc. That would establish motive better aligning with your denouement.

You don't recognize the voice of your
grandpa?
Would be more affecting (again, jmho) if it read:
You don't recognise your old Gramp's voice. Or just: - You don't recognise your own grandpa? Or maybe if they do share a strong bond something more sinister could follow that line - It's me, I told you I'd be back... I dunno, you get it I'm sure.

We can hear a white noise machine
through the walls.
The way it's described I don't get what this is at all.

I'm sorry, momma.
Momma should be capped where you can replace Momma with her name e.g. I'm sorry, Lauren.

Hmm, overall, not bad. But, you could really ramp it up. Slashers are more effective if there's more of an emotional pull so we care when the characters cop it.

I think you did well with the revamp of the original story. I just wanted to feel the dread and fear and suspense a bit more and have an emotional connection better established.

I think you could establish more emotion by adding a little bit more backstory. You barely went over into page 6. Perhaps Aaron and Lauren helped convict Grandpa.

You did good.
I just wanted to feel it more.
And, like I said, make that kid a young kid then you've definitely got a chiller on your hands.

Great low budget and very filmable.

The story beats are all right and the pacing is good. I liked the premise and set-up of this one, but unfortunately it stops there for me.

I was intrigued up until the conversation between Clayton and his grandfather Tobias. Clayton's motivation isn't clear enough. The bond between the two would need to be stronger to justify Clayton's actions later. How Clayton speaks and acts (language use, the sudden crying) doesn't feel like a teenager, or rather I don't get a good sense of what "kind" of teenager/person he is.

Overall, good effort and good on you to make the deadline!

I'm not a fan of camera shots and WE SEE/HEAR in spec scripts but there is no rule saying you can't. For me, such stuff pulls me out of the story and I try to avoid that.

However, right up to Grandpa ringing his Grandson from beyond the grave, this was going well. The pacing was slow but seemed necessary. I was wondering if you were going to run out of pages and I think that's what happened as there is no way a sixteen-year-old boy stabs his mother to death simply because grandpa rings up and asks for a favour.

You need to either spend time with the Grandson becoming brainwashed over time by these calls or make out that he's possessed in some way to sell it.

Decent effort, just needs a bit of work!

-Mark

The first Bill Mumy episode. And one of the taped episodes. Plot sounds intriguing.

Carpenter House. Nice.

Wow. That Was quite a twist. You made the Mumy character a bit older. I don't know what to say, it was perfect for a week's effort. I will say though, that the ending was a tad abrupt. But then again, one can only do so much within 6 pages within a week.

Excellent job, [Redacted]

Pretty decent job making it contemporary and getting right to it. Your writing was a little clunky in areas and, I know it's hard to resist but, a tad too much direction.

I think there could have been a little more connection with Grandpa to legitimize his actions. Maybe when he was younger they hung out more and tortured cats together. Joke.

A quick and entertaining read. Good job.

Hi writer,

It’s a pretty close take on the original episode, a little too close maybe, but had a morbid twist, so all good. So this 16 year old kid gets a call from his estranged and deceased serial killer Grandpa, and within minutes takes the reins of terror to finish, probably his twisted masterpiece theater.

The following is just opinion of course, taken with a spoonful of cinnamon… I’m think Clayton should have a romance with serial killers and that lore, and his Grandpa being one of them, well… that’s just the icing on the cake – perhaps (Clayton’s) room is full of news clippings hanging on a corkboard regarding the Muir Woods Killer, his desk surrounded by books of true crime etc… showing he’s a devout pupil who’s been waiting for this moment of clarity for years, a definition of who he is. The show don’t tell on that aspect would require some serious thought considering you have limited pages to work with.

The other angle is… he (Clayton) probably doesn’t understand what has transpired because he’s impaired in some way, serious arrested development or the likes, and Grandpa calls from the grave knowing very well his grandson is a perfect scapegoat to kill everyone and anything with just a few words of encouragement, him (Clayton) not understanding the consequences. Then again, you’d have to paint a very detailed picture of this with limited space… but either could be done if you were so inclined to go that route.

Or, you could tell me to ‘get bent’ and we’ll forget this conversation ever happened.

It has potential, but as is, does not seem that plausible cause Clayton appears to be on the ball, and probably wouldn’t know his Grandpa after many years of separation, especially if his parents had anything to do with it, they most likely worked around the clock to ensure the names ‘Muir Woods Killer’ or ‘Tobias Carpenter’ were never to be spoken within the walls of the Carpenter home.

Solid entry just needs another angle to make it a little more real. Of course, phone calls from the grave are a little out there, but you get what I mean. Best of luck.

There's a lot we are missing out on in the conversation between Clayton and his grandfather. Not sure if it's that important to know or not, but I want to know what he said to Clayton to make him do this. This also includes what was said at the end.

Writing was good, went through it fairly quick.

I'm not one for slashers, but this was a pretty good story.

Good work.

Good writing but feels unfinished.

I guess this needs extra 2 or 3 pages to work. Unless you are not establishing the relationship between Clayton and his Grandpa, this won't work. Another way is, to establish the caller (Grandpa) as a supernatural force who can alter the minds.

Overall, this was a decent read.

OK, I wuz gonna scribble some comments after reading, but I didn't find a lot to comment on. My one substantive comment; Clayton stabbing Lauren feels forced, but I also get the feeling it's more so do to the page limit rather than the story itself. Nice work overall... -A

Hello writer

Quoted Text Her heels click on the pavement as she steps out of the SUV.

She steps out from the SUV in the garage onto the pavement? That's a big step lol

Some of the description/action seems a bit clunky in places, making me double read in places... or maybe it's just my tired eyes.

Quoted Text We feel the vibration through the floorboards.

Ooo is this gonna play in one of those fancy cinemas where the seat vibrates?

Too many "we" in this for my liking.

This kid is surprisingly calm considering he is now talking to his dead Grandpa.

Quoted Text LAUREN Why are you doing this?

Again this is super calm considering she has just woken up to see her son stabbing his dad.

The ending was a bit of a letdown, just holding the phone to his dad's ear - I was hoping for more.

The kid is easily convinced into killing his parents, with no kind of remorse or hesitation - This makes him a dull one-dimensional character and the story suffers for it. Also think the killing should have been more of a tussle - at the moment the mom jumps out of bed, calmly asks what her murderous son is doing, then stands there as he stabs her in the stomach

writing could do with work, the read was more laboured than it had to be.

Not that much of a fan of this one in its current form. Could easily be reworked to make it great thought.

All the best with it.

Ok, definitely know this episode.

Why wouldn’t this be updated with a cellphone? Makes perfect sense.

Sorry, I don’t like the way that played out. It got too graphic and I don’t even know why.

Why would he listen to his grandfather to kills his parents? What the heck motivated that?
And if by some chance you were to tell me h was possessed or something, where did that come from? There was no setup for any of it. You could have easily had a little moment that said he idolized his grandfather or something to at the very least make it plausible.

The writing hooked me, but I was left wanting more.

I was captivated by this story, I had no idea how it would end. This writer has a good sense of suspense and they clearly know how to write tension.

I'm sad about the ending, it just kinda happened. I think this could be pretty great with a little editing.