Great title, just fix the Cap on Marlboro.
the whole process suggests a person obsessed with cleanliness, or just someone eccentric. I always think and/or means the writer doesn't know his character. Jmho, of course, but if he's both (cause clearly he's OCD) just add a comma and put eccentric on the end.
All data Disappears (plural ?)
Why the weird capped formatting below:
DAVID
grimaces, takes a deep breath
DAVID Pro league at last baby!
Wasn't expecting that response with your set-up.
data scroll past Again, it's probably technically correct but reads weirdly as not plural e.g. scrolls.
unreadable speed, I personally would choose a faster adjective... If that makes sense - illegible or lightning fast.
ON COMPUTER SCREEN Good luck, David.
This line (above) escalates the tension nicely. Now we're away!
SOME TOWER ?? TOWER BLOCK perhaps?
a formal black suit Is it a tux? Maybe not. I'd jjust elaborate on his slick look a bit more.
Cowboy the fuck up. I'm really not sold on this character's dialogue.
David pets the door. infest the walls Really?
feels uncomfortable, itchy. Show us David scratching his neck, face, instead of telling us how he feels.
Chris looks in terrible pain, Character name change?
Okay, this was cool and intriguing on a lot of levels and I loved the vibe. Loved the magic trick at the end too.
Sorry to say I just didn't get the story overall.
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