Satan smokes marlboro by The CancerPony - A small time burglar-for-hire takes on a last minute-massive job orchestrated by the Devil's son himself.

The Who Of You - S2E3 (TZ19)
  - Short, Thriller

This one felt more 'inspired by' as similarities to the original aren't as obvious - good.

This one felt a little dense and there are some descriptive choices that didn't work for me, but I liked the premise.

The end let it down a little for me, felt abrupt and I didn't feel it had been set up sufficiently.

But I think this one could be tweaked outside of the challenge.

Decent effort.

I dunno, this one didn't really work for me. At times the description is really well written, but it was just a bit much. Every little detail is described and it took me out of the story, killed the pacing.

As for the story itself, it's cool that this wasn't too similar to its source material and not just a rewrite/rehash, but I found it a tad boring. And the pay-off wasn't worth the journey IMO. An okay effort, probably just not for me.

-- Michael

Hi writer,

I dig the world you painted here… Neo-esque?  Son of the devil, and a mere mortal working towards a completion, what that is unfortunately… I was unable to deduce, at least from what’s here and the basic synopsis of the original TZ episode.
I feel the idea itself coming into this OWC, scraped from the Twilight Zone files, should have credence to stand on its own, however, this story doesn’t seem to, unless I’m missing something? To give you the benefit of the doubt I’ve read through it twice.

The secondary players are rebuilding a corporeal that has transferred from the ethereal using the lifeforce from others is my takeaway, by using those who willingly enter the dragon’s den to take what’s not theirs, in return paying the ultimate price in return.

I may be way out of scope, but there’s a cool story here if fleshed out with more backstory. At six pages I feel you may have had more info in the initial draft but were forced to sacrifice some important elements to fit the page limit. Still, really creative writing.

Well, it was interesting reading your quirky, Twilight Zone-ish, short. I'm lovin' the title, but the overall story was just okay for me. Some good writing on display. But I'll admit, not sure I totally got it. I dunno, maybe it's not the ending but the set-up.  I'll take another pass... solid effort though. -A

Will admit I haven't seen the new Twilight Zone series so I'm only aware of this episode from the Wiki article.

The writing is really creative. I really wanted to like this one and read it twice. David is a character that has a distinct personality, which I enjoyed and I thought his quirks might play more later in the story.

The first 3 pages really gave me a "Mr. Robot as a heist movie" vibe and then the second half is a bit unclear. I get that David was paid to translate this manuscript but I don't understand what the end goal for the other 2 characters are, as I don't really understand what the manuscript does or what its purpose is in the story...

Feels like this story was originally much longer than the 6 page limit and there's more to tell.

Good effort overall. The writer has a defined voice and style.

Some sweet writing on display here and I was really digging the atmosphere.  Unfortunately trying to get a whole episode of the TW (or inspired by anyway) across in 6 pages means you need to be a lot leaner. As it was, it took 2.5 pages for the crook to get the contract and page 4 before anything interesting occurred.

Him talking to himself seemed a tad unnatural.

I also don't know what was going on in the last 2 pages. He tried to copy some text on a tablet. Why didn't he take photographs? It killed him, why? It seems a young guy and an old guy hired him (and a lot others by the sounds of it) to copy this manuscript and it is unclear why they just can't do it themselves. I am confused, and checking out the logline for the TW episode it was inspired by makes me none the wiser.

I love the writing, the story just needs to be clearer in my opinion.

-Mark

Hello writer

First off, well done for entering!

Some nice clear, vivid descriptions on the first page which give the character... well, character lol

Quoted Text the whole process suggests a person obsessed with cleanliness, or just someone eccentric.

the above is the only line on that page I didn't like - Everything you have shown him doing up to that point already suggests this, no need to spoon-feed us this line. Tell us through your characters (which you have already done)

The talking to himself takes away from this, I would rather he was silent - not sure why you felt the need to give him lines.

Why is he writing on the tablet? can't he take a picture of each page? maybe I missed something... but that was the first thought that popped into my head.

The Codex Gigas is in Stockholm so does this door transport him to the library? Either you missed something or I did, a bit before this he gets out his tablet to check the layout of the building, should it be emphasised that the library is not in the plans? Maybe I missed it...

Also not sure why they are trying to copy the codex? there was some page limit left, so there was room to explore. Maybe you ran out of time, or maybe I am just missing something obvious.

All the best with it

A very well written script. Work of a pro.

Even if there weren't any dialogues spoken by David, this script would have worked fine. That's just my opinion.

This could have been more interesting with an extra page or two. But I understand the page limit.

Well done, writer!

What I loved about this is your writing style. Very cool to read. The story left me wondering but not in a good way. Just not enough information for the reader to make up their own conclusions either right or wrong. I just don't know.

But you do have style. Nice work.

It was fun to read, but I dunno if the story worked.

The set up is great. Very Patrick Bateman-esque. Since we don't know where the cigarettes came from, the twist falls flat. There's nothing weird about the cigarettes, so it comes as a surprise instead of suspense. We need the plant before the payoff.

Good effort, but it needs work.

Wondering why marlboro isn't Capped on the title page - guess I'll have to wait and see if it makes sense or is a mistake.

And why doesn't your opening passage start with a Capitol Letter?

Opening Slug is quite funny - INT. MANHATTAN - WTF?  We're inside the city of Manhattan?  LOL!!!!

Page 1 has a ton of mistakes, awkward writing, and phrasing, and I'm shocked, as I just read over the comments, and everyone is saying how great the writing is.  I don't get it.  I mean, unless this is a 1 room apartment, you're missing new Slugs, you're missing inserts, single/plural issues, etc.

Page 3 - "Clad in a formal black suit David walks inside the lobby, the LOBBY MANAGER (40s) doesn't spare a single blink at him." - I'm getting very frustrated, as there are just so many mistakes, and my bet is that if I don't bring some up, the writer will never have a clue.  You need a comma between "suit" and "David".  Without the comma, the sentence makes no sense.  You need a period after lobby, as this is the end of the sentence - by using a comma, as you did, you have a run-on sentence.  The entire 2nd sentence is so awkward as written.

I have to say your Slugs are just terrible.

A legion of old books infest the walls, one more litter the floor, the size of the library is staggering, surreal." -  WTF?  Uh...this is 1 sentence?  Not quite.  How about 3 sentences? Why are your singular and plurals so often incorrect?  I'm just in shock at how peeps have been praising the writing here and in reality, there are complete mistakes littering almost every passage.

Page 4 - Who the Hell is Chris and what the Hell is going on?

The End.  Wooooo...pretty clueless here and your writing sure as shit didn't help.

As I assumed, the title does need a Capital M, in Marlboro.

"Young Guy" and "Old man" are just terrible names to use.

The entire story here is almost impossible to follow and the structure is so far off, in terms of the pacing, that everything within doesn't work.

Slugs are terrible.  Writing is very, very poor throughout, and looks like it was written in mere minutes.

Not at all for me, sorry to say.

I don't have CBS All Access, so I haven't seen the new Twilight Zone. But I'm a big fan of Jordan Peele right now.

Plot sounds intriguing.

Is it just me or does the title page look off center?

Right out of the gate, you don't number your first page. Rookie mistake #1.

The entire script, the text looks somewhat bold. Probably Courier New. No biggie. What program did you use?

Quoted Text so close it has no boundaries.

What does this mean?

Quoted Text Link established, downloading data. Weird data slashes across the screen, forming a table with two distinct columns; first one looks encrypted, second includes a number, ranging from five to fifty thousand.

Not sure what this all means, but okay. Is English your native language?

So David has OCD?

Who or what is H? What does this all mean?

You have a few missing commas.

Quoted Text Clad in a formal black suit David walks inside the lobby, the LOBBY MANAGER (40s) doesn't spare a single blink at him.

This line has serious punctuation issues. It should read more like:

Quoted Text Clad in a formal black suit, David walks inside the lobby. The LOBBY MANAGER (40s) doesn't spare a single blink at him.

Quoted Text A legion of old books infest the walls, one more litter the floor, the size of the library is staggering, surreal.

Awkwardly written.

Quoted Text David tries hard to move out of the room, fails miserably, collapses three feet away [from] the codex.

Interesting that you called it a "walking stick" rather than a "cane." Upperclassman?

I'll be honest, this was a very confusing read from start to finish, I'm sorry to say. I didn't really get it. I know there's a serious language barrier, but I had to remember what they were talking about at the end.

That said, congrats on entering.

I gave up on the Jordan Peele Twilight Zone after 3 episodes, so I’m not familiar with this episode. Honestly don’t love the premise, so I’m curious to see how you’ve changed it up.

Intriguing title for sure.

Not sure I know the time period this is set in. is this old tech in modern time, or old tech in an appropriate era?

Probably would have liked a voice from the computer or something, instead of just a line here and there of David talking to himself.  I tend to find that visual play in my head more boring than imagining actual conversation. This is probably a stupid sounding nitpick, but I think there’s merit behind it. I feel like it’s just kind of a cheap way to skirt around the page limit… but I guess I respect the fact you still manage to get a lot in 6 pages.

David became Chris for a moment there.

I’m a moron when it comes to coding, so a lot of this is just words to me. Not gonna detract for that though - That’s on me.

“Wearing shades and at night” reads weird.

Happy to have character to character dialogue here even if I have no clue what they’re talking about.

Can’t say I ended up connecting to the story much. The computer babble probably made me miss
something key to the story. I hear “Devil” and my ears perk up, but this left me feeling a little empty.

Writing is well done for the most part. You know what you’re doing there.

Best one I've read so far! Excellent work. Kept me interested the whole time. A little confusing at the end, but I'll ignore. It was still great! Liked the writing a lot. Similar style to my own, lol! Best of all though is that you took the idea from the TZ and turned it into something different. A big thumbs up from me.

Suggestions? Maybe make the ending just a tad more clear so dimwit people like me can get it.  

PS: I'm pretty sure I knew who wrote this one. Lots of similarities to other stories I've read of yours. in the past.  

Great title, just fix the Cap on Marlboro.

the whole process suggests a
person obsessed with cleanliness, or just someone eccentric.
I always think and/or means the writer doesn't know his character. Jmho, of course, but if he's both (cause clearly he's OCD) just add a comma and put eccentric on the end.

All data Disappears (plural ?)

Why the weird capped formatting below:

DAVID

grimaces, takes a deep breath

DAVID
Pro league at last baby!

Wasn't expecting that response with your set-up.

data scroll past
Again, it's probably technically correct but reads weirdly as not plural e.g. scrolls.

unreadable speed,
I personally would choose a faster adjective... If that makes sense - illegible or lightning fast.

ON COMPUTER SCREEN
Good luck, David.

This line (above) escalates the tension nicely. Now we're away!

SOME TOWER ??
TOWER BLOCK perhaps?

a formal black suit
Is it a tux? Maybe not. I'd jjust elaborate on his slick look a bit more.

Cowboy the fuck up.
I'm really not sold on this character's dialogue.

David pets the door.
infest the walls
Really?

feels uncomfortable, itchy.
Show us David scratching his neck, face, instead of telling us how he feels.

Chris looks in terrible pain,
Character name change?

Okay, this was cool and intriguing on a lot of levels and I loved the vibe.
Loved the magic trick at the end too.

Sorry to say I just didn't get the story overall.