This felt like a newer writer, but it was still very captivating.
The dialogue was expository and usually unnecessary. For example, Max talking to himself while buying the cookies was odd. Arthur felt redundant to me as a character. I feel like all of his lines could have been Jonathon's and vice-versa. Instead of Max talking to himself, maybe he could have been hanging out with Arthur or on the phone with him etc.
I was really intrigued! I wanted to know what would happen next, good story-telling in my opinion. I feel like with some rewrites this could even be a dark comedy. The "In Bed" fortune cookie joke comes to mind. |