The Box by Roddy Rich - A man pleads to keep his job as an assistant.

The Obsolete Man - S2E29
  - Short, Drama

I liked the idea behind this, can see the inspiration from the episode.

But it felt a little forced to me and the 'reveal' was too obvious to work as I couldn't picture the two 'gentlemen'.

That said, it read well enough and was a nice brisk pace.

Decent effort.

This was okay for me. Writing was pretty good, though when you cut to PRESENT DAY, you should've just said "so-and-so years later". A little confused by the ending, maybe I missed something.

Overall, a good effort. Nice work.

-- Michael

Ok, nice work. I liked the writing and I thought it fit the mood of the piece. Methinks each genre of writing will pace and style differently and I think it worked.  Dialogue was good, but I’m not sure how I feel about the ending. I guess I wanted that "whammo" ending.

Anywaz, just a few thoughts. Hats off & GL with it.  -A

I see more of a resemblance to All the Traps of Earth, Clifford Simak:
http://lib.ru/SIMAK/traps.txt.     It's a great short SciFi story

- than I do to the TZ Ep.
Just saying... I read it recently and it instantly came to mind while I was reading this.

The obsolete part is definitely a good stepping off point in both though.

A solid start to your script, though a bit more description of the two Gentlemen to depict they're hired help would have been good imho. Their individual names (very inventive though they were) would suffice with a bit more bowing and scraping perhaps, cause at first I thought they were colleagues.

I just felt ripped off at the end, damn you!  
Did you miss completing the final act on deadline and think, oh well, enter anyway?

Finish it in a satisfying way when the challenge is over.
Fill in some of the blanks and this could be great.

I don't get it...at all.

Again, we have an oddly structured and set up story here.  Slugs are incorrect once again, and cause major issues with the read and understanding.  You can't put date elements in a Slug - you need SUPERs.

Odd name choices for the assistants.  I guess Steno's name ties into the ending?  Is that really the ending?  No impact, no clue ending for me.

Dialogue is poor throughout.  The dialogue reads like a kid wrote it.

Writing is poor.  You're probably missing at least 25 commas, if not more.

I assume you had a plan here, ran out of time, or just couldn't make what you had in your head fit onto the pages.  It needs seriously work, but to be honest, I don't see this working no matter what you did to it.

The ending had be confused at first, wasn't sure what to make of it.

Then I did some research and it's pretty clear now. Steno and Moles are people in the story but they are actually meant to represent the old notebook (Steno) being replaced by the newer and better notebook (Moles). Out with the old and in with the new type of thing.

Not sure if you were intending more for the ending or not.

My take from this is that in the end everything becomes obsolete, but nothing is truly obsolete as the grandson gives Steno new purpose.

Good effort.

Didn't get it. Am I missing something?

The writing was pretty good. But the ending is what confused me. What happened exactly?

Overall, good effort.

I read the wiki for the original episode and I want to watch the original episode now, that sounds great!

Your take on it did confuse me. This world in which assistents are murdered when their usefulness is at an end was interesting but you didn't establish if this was a dystopian future, some mad men or if it was all a dream.

Then when it switched to the (present? alternate reality?) whatever it was, I had no idea what was going on.

Sorry, I was lost but maybe it was too clever for me.

-Mark

Like the others have said, you lost me. I like the idea and I knew kinda where it was kinda going. But people become notebooks?

You've got sixty (if not more) years of technology to choose from and you pick steno and moleskin? I understand the point, but all I could see was a human arguing with a notebook.

Just didn't work for me. The ending was also out of nowhere.

Hi writer,

You definitely have a knack for smooth, easy, and intriguing dialog, but I was totally lost in the final mix. Steno’s punishment for a lifetime of discovery, subservience, and devotion to a cause (the law firm) was to become nothing more than a memory at the hands of a paranoid attorney?

Sorry, that’s the best I can muster, and I’m so not seeing how this fits with the Twilight episode. Like I said, writing is good, dialog intriguing, but you lost me somewhere in the end, best of luck.  

Wha-? I guess the old lawyer was really attached to that old steno pad! I haven't read the other ops on this but I bet they're all over the place. I can't wait to read Jeff's.

In a weird and f'd up way...I really liked this. It needs some work, for sure, but it's original. I thought they were robots of some sort. Never even thought they were inanimate objects that had a life of their own.

Nicely done. Messed up but pretty cool.

I love how the title and pen name are a reference to the recent hit song.

Another episode in which The Penguin played a librarian.

Characters need to be CAPPED when introduced.

A lot of exposition for my tastes.

Quoted Text Please anything but that please!

Pick a "please" and add the appropriate punctuation.

Jason? Kimberly? It's Morphin Time!

No fade in or fade out. Seems unfinished.

I honestly didn't get it, sorry to say. But congrats on entering.

Hello writer!

The "1950's Era House" is ambiguous. Is this set in the 1950s or was the house built in the 1950s and we are in present-day?

If we are setting the time period for the script, I see no issue with putting it in a slug (although I would put it at the end "INT. HOUSE - DAY - 1950" as a quick example.)
I've been told before to "never put the date in a slug, use a SUPER!" but many sources of screenwriting formatting say it's fine, as long as you are aware that this information is for the reader and not the audience (In the finished film, the set/props/clothes etc should reflect the time period mentioned in the slug, so the audience will get it that way, rather than spoon-feeding them SUPERs all the time)
Obviously this only works for general time periods (If the story requires the audience know it's a very specific year or date then use a SUPER, if it's general 50's, I don't see the point)

"We see..." come on, you are better than that lol no need for the We see's

Methinks the dialogue with Steno pleading for his life and Clark telling him he is an unwanted liability is too long, this can be trimmed to get to the point and remove the double information.

Oh... it ended. Well consider me in the confused camp, looks unfinished to me as I have no idea why any of this happened at it seems there is no ending.

Ok I read through the comments and it's just about him disposing of a notebook (maybe you could tie in some kind of consumerism message about disposing of old things even though they are perfectly usable and buying new things just because you need to be seen with the latest "model"... I dunno)

Anyway, watching it would leave me very unsatisfied.

All the best with it though

Boring logline, but I’ll let it slide.

Vaguely remember this episode. It’s not fresh in my memory, so maybe this script will jog it.

I was wondering why you went with the name “Steno.”

Not sure how 2 gentlemen turn out to be notebooks. The notebooks were personified? is this something i'd see better if the episode was fresh in my head?
Something is either missing, or something went way over my head.