Where The Rubber Meets The Road by Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington - A seemingly innocent road trip takes an unexpected turn when three friends stumble upon a wreck, and one of them can't handle what they find.

Death Ship - S4E6
  - Short, Thriller

Love the font on the title page.

Overall, I liked this one. Though, the repetition got a little boring. I know it's a part of the story (the original TZ version is super classic) and part of this cycle/paradox he's trapped in. But we pretty much get the reveal halfway through and it just keeps on repeating until the end.

Overall, it was fairly well-written. Would've liked to see Casper put the bottle down at the end and maybe learn from it -- after all, he's aware that this cycle is continuous, isn't he? Anyway, some random notes.

PAGE 1: Not sure why the "W" in whiskey is capitalized.

PAGE 2: Why is Sam so intent on leaving the wreck alone?

Not sure about (DISTANT) next to character name instead of (OS).

-- Michael

Yeah, this read pretty good to me. And this got me thinking that sometimes it can be fun to play with the audiences sense of space. No major issues with what you've done here. Insolent suggestion, did you ever think about having the reveal come later?

Overall, I enjoyed this.

This was pretty well written and another where it's an 'inspired by' rather than re-write, well done.

Thought that the middle was a bit repetitive, and yes I know, but with an early reveal and then repetition it just seemed to slow it down a tad.

Good effort.

One of my favorite TZ eps.  I think you did pretty well with this. It’s borderline to similar to the original in that it has a crashed vehicle and they keep going back to it and finding themselves.  But, still a great story and not too hard to film either. Wouldn’t be surprised if it got picked up.  Good job!  

Thoughts while I read.

Page 1.   Who gets in a car with a driver that swigs whiskey? I don’t know anyone that would.

The BEAT things are rather annoying…

Will start by saying I haven't watched the episode this was inspired by, but read the wiki article.

I liked this one, worked for me. The relationship between Sam and Becky feels real and convincing. I think the reveal could be reworked a bit to come in slightly later but I feel like that's subjective. I like how the last scene completes the circle to the beginning that "seals their fate".

Overall good job!

Interesting title page.

Kinda knew what was going to happen after they found the wrecked car. This would've been more effective closer to the ending, but also would've been tricky to do with what you were going for.


I like this one. Casper's inability to accept what he has done causes him to relive it over and over again. I'm assuming Sam and Becky can cross over at any time they like, but choose stay to help their friend. May be an interesting twist on things if they can't cross over, like an unfinished business sort of thing.

Good work.

I always love the Time loop stories. You didn't disappoint. Very well written.

Great job, writer.

An interesting take on the episode. I have a strong Deja Vu feeling that I've read a similar one to this in another OWC, something to do with a diner and a car crash that kept repeating in that one as well if memory serves.

I like how you made out that he was grieving over some loss and his friends were there to support him. It turned out to be exactly that but not in the normal sense, which I thought was clever.

Great job!

I liked it. Like others have said, it does get repetitive and I had to read it twice to get the whole story.

I thought naming the main character Casper was very on the nose.

I also think Becky and Sam accept their fate too easy. I know they know, but at the beginning, they're like, "Sure, let's do this," instead of at least trying to pretend to save their own lives. Does that make sense?

I liked this. Well written and the loop wasn't identical each time. I agree with previous comments that, for some reason, maybe there was one loop too many and it got a bit slow. I was also hoping at the end that he could change it and he just set the bottle back on the counter and went on with his life.

Nice work.

Hi writer,

Death Ship, or in this case a 'death ride into eternity'. The premise is good, I didn’t see it coming simply cause I went into this totally forgetting it’s based on the Twilight episode, so… got me.

Anyway, I am curious how long they been doing this? How long till it ends? Casper can’t seem to accept he killed his friends (I’m assuming the DUI thing is the reason), so he can’t let go… but why are Becky and Sam hanging out with this loser in the afterlife? I’d rip him a new one and be on my way… but that’s just me.

Collectively they all have to deal with it, I guess. Good take on the original, works well for this challenge. Best of luck.

Logline makes it seem like a cool update to a classic episode. Let’s go—

I think I’m the only person who doesn’t know how to tweak title font on the title page in final draft. I know “they” would tell you shit like that is frowned upon, but I always find it mildly exciting to see a stylized title page.

Odd word choices right out of the gate – tatty and forecourt? Don’t make me get caught up in random unnecessary stuff like that. All I’m thinking now is “what exactly is tatty? Why use the word forecourt?”

Classic horror opening set in a “tatty” interstate gas station. That location has definitely gotten a ton of… mileage.

Windscreen? Are these British terms or something? I’m sorry for getting hung up on these word choices, but they seem unnecessarily complex. Like you opened thesaurus.com and got too fancy with it.

This reveal is written with no UMPH! Casper doesn’t even seem to be shocked that he finds his dead friends that HE JUST LEFT back at the car.

The entire scene is a great one… it just needs to be written with more suspense and surprise. When he finds himself in the wreck it doesn’t have the impact – no pun – that it should.

It’s a fun little mindfuck of a story. Very familiar obviously, but it’s fun. I just think it could have been written with more… I don’t know, excitement probably isn’t the right word, but the initial discovery really needed to land harder.

Okay, Nearly Headless Nick...

Whew, your title font nearly blew my socks off.

I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit of a killjoy where your story's concerned.

I've seen this car crash time-loop scenario so many times.
That said it appears to be an audience pleaser so you can ignore my opinion on what seems to me to have been done to death. (Pun intended).

Casper flinches back
Casper flinches.
- Will suffice.

Hmm, so overall, nothing earth shattering but a little repetitive (bound to happen with time loops) which is why I really think a surprise factor in the loop might be good.

Perhaps an Alien?  

In the original version of Deathship there were a few scenarios proposed to keep the audience guessing, some misdirects to keep them on their toes.

I think this could benefit from some other twist or deviation which most time loop stories try to do, cause yes, these types of stories are popular and I hope this does get picked up. Just needs a dash of something.

P.S. Just read Conz's comments. A thesaurus?
Windscreen, tatty, and forecourt are all normal terms in my neck of the woods.

Thank you all for the comments. Appreciated.

Sorry it was a bit of a plain story. The reveal most had issues with, but it wasn't really meant to be much of a reveal, I assumed most people would know what was about to happen.

I had meant to add more than a simple time-loop, more thrills. Wanted the story to be more about the friends wanting to move on, but not wanting to leave their friend who is trapped with guilt. But I had no time, so basically submitted a first draft.

Still, seems with a rewrite this could be something, so that's good - I purposefully went for low budget with the aim of production.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I thought naming the main character Casper was very on the nose.

Casper is my son's name, nothing to do with the friendly ghost

Quoted from Conz Windscreen? Are these British terms or something? I’m sorry for getting hung up on these word choices, but they seem unnecessarily complex. Like you opened thesaurus.com and got too fancy with it.

You think tatty and forecourt are fancy words? I believe in America you refer to it as a windshield, so I don't think windscreen is too hard to fathom.


Thanks all for the help, hopefully with a rewrite this could get picked up.

Matt