Teeny-Tiny Teeth by Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass - A homewrecker locks horns with a pull-string doll bent on revenge.

Living Doll - S5E6
  - Short, Horror

Quoted from AnthonyCawood 404 error Don

It works.  You just aren't trying hard enough.

- Don

Yes, works now!

Hi writer,

Ok, yeah, bizarre twist on the original. I get that Adam lost his mind, went insane, that whole chestnut based on the torment Winnie subjected him to, but let’s be frank… it was only a day. Maybe after a few weeks of sleepless nights at the helm of an evil doll's wrath etc. he could go a little cuckoo, but…

I’m thinking the divorce, the months, weeks, days leading up to it, and potentially losing a previously devout family life, sans the mistress; Paris, he’s probably been losing his shit for awhile, and Haley forgetting her doll was the final straw. That being, the “bad man” Winnie speaks of is Adam experiencing a serious guilt trip for his callous actions towards his estranged wife and daughter.

Maybe Winnie is nothing more than a doll, no evil presence, nada… just Adam’s mind finally snapping in tune with the consistent “I love you” when he’s really got no one but himself… and perhaps a shallow relationship with a shallow woman to look forward to.

The broken faces he sees everywhere? Perhaps a metaphor for a broken-down man suffering the final retribution of a broken life? I'll go with that. I liked it, it was fun and surreal all the same.

PAGE 3:

Quoted Text ADAM My divorce lawyer will tie Lauren in knots. She won't pry away what's mine or stick me for child support. He kisses Paris More for me. For you. And so on.

Probably should be ADAM (character name) above his second bit of dialogue. Also, all I know is that they're in the living room. They on the couch? I'll just assume they're on the couch.

Also, not sure why you have dash after INT and EXT. I think, overall, your scene headings need a little retooling.

Overall, this okay for me. The episode it's based on is about as classic as it gets. I like this, though it was pretty close to the original -- until the end. I do like him seeing everyone with the doll's face instead of their own, that was a nice twist on it. Provides a cool visual. Not sure who he's talking about with the closing lines, "I love you". I get that he's repeating what the doll was programmed to say, but is he just repeating those lines because he's gone mad? Or was he referring to someone in particular? It sure as hell didn't seem like he loved his wife or daughter.

Also, after the doll bites him, you'd think he'd be a little more affected by that. In disbelief. I know he starts to see everyone with doll faces (which sounds like another TZ episode) as part of his madness (at least that's what I got). But he kinda just goes back to normal after throwing the doll in the oven, drinking a beer.

Again, this was okay for me, but I would've liked to see this done without a doll, maybe something a little more current. Or a different kind of toy. It just felt too close to the original. And not nearly as creepy. This was missing tension. But I understand given that there's only 6 pages to work with.

Nice effort.

-- Michael

Another that's close-ish to the original but with enough to differentiate it effectively too, good job.

I think some of this feels a little rushed in terms of the story, but it's six pages to try cram everything in, difficult I know. I felt the middle section in particular seemed too overwrought, maybe space this over a few days to build up to his descent into madness.

Loved the idea of a world of Winnies staring at him, great final image.

Good job.

Enough of a difference to the original, I think. Yep, loved the divorce, warring couple angle.
It does appear to jump fast plot-wise but that's the six page limit for you.

At first I wasn't sold on the ending, but thinking about it, I'm warming to it.

Not really sold on the title, think you could do better there but that jmho. And a couple of times the Winnie/Haley names had me thinking which one's the doll (at the start). Maybe a bit more of a definite doll name that isn't anywhere near close to a child's name?

Minor quibbles but overall I loved it!

Echoes of Trilogy of Terror here with Karen Black, which is another favourite of mine. (Not TZ, btw).
Ancient now, but a real hoot.

There's actually alot to like here, but the writing and scene setup/selection is so poor, it brings this way, way down.

Slugs are awful, and incorrect.  We start in a moving car, in the back seat, as if no one else is even in the car, then Lauren and Adam "appear", with very poor intros.  Then, Lauren and Haley exit the vehicle (I thought it was moving?).  So, obviously, you neglected to add a new Slug here, and then another one when Adam takes off again.  But you know what?  If you just get rid of "MOVING" in that 1st Slug, everything would be OK.  I ALWAYS suggest not using something like "MOVING" or the like for a Slug involving a vehicle.

We don't know what kind of car this is, and that in itself is a problem, but let's understand that getting anything from a backseat, from the driver's seat, is nearly if not impossible...in any car.  Again, this car is moving, stopped, moving again, and pulling over all within the original Slug (and a "LATER" Slug), so basically it's really messed up.

Dialogue is very poor from all the characters and that's a big issue, because with believable dialogue we have an interesting premise.

Lines like, "Sour-faced Adam...", "Crazed Adam", etc. never work.  Reads poorly, almost comical.

Adam seems to grunt alot, which is odd.  There are a number of strange word choices throughout.

Timelines don't make much sense, as the day turns into night, an oven heats up to 400 degrees instantly, Adam says he cooked something for later to Paris, but he's in bed sleeping for some reason.  It's just not well thought out or set up properly.

The fact that he goes crazy so quickly is also a problem, and another timeline problem.

The doll-faced peeps is a good visual.

The title is awful.

This needs serious work, but the doll-faced peeps alone makes this worth reworking.  I'd say you need several more pages, and a stretch of several days in which Adam is tormented by Winnie.

You've got a few good bones here, now add the rest of the skeleton, and get some skin on this thing.  It could be good.

Loved it.  My favorite.

I'm not a fan of supernatural tales where totally bonkers weird stuff happens just because someone does a bad thing, but that's just my personal taste.

Nicely written and easy to follow. Feels rushed but with 6 pages you had no time to do a gradual descent and had to go at warp speed.

The possessed doll out for revenge (or someone going crazy and believing a doll is possessed and out for revenge) isn't anything new but this was a decent effort.

-Mark

Roses are red, violets are blue, monkeys are nuts, and so are you! And yet, amid the insanity, there is light. I found this entertaining. Not bad at all.  General clean-up needed. That Adam guy, what a "dick." With a bit more time and thought you could turn it into something special. No trivial thoughts, our esteemed forum colleagues have given great advice. Hats off & GL with the rest of it.-A

A very popular and classic Twilight Zone episode. One of my favorites.

Courier New?

Your first page isn't numbered. That's a relief.

I love the writing on the first page.

Wow, what a jerk.

Quoted Text You're a bad man.

This is a line from another classic episode, "It's a Good Life." Love it.

You have a missing character heading on p3.

Is Winnie stretching out the word "bad" or is she spelling it?

*SPOILER*

A possible reference to Eye of the Beholder?

I love the Tell-Tale Heart twist.

The writing is impeccable, sharp. The karma is delicious. Excellent work.

Hello writer!

Quoted Text INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT Clutching his bitten hand, Adam collapses into bed. Sleeps.

Hell no would I be sleeping in that apartment when I've been attacked by a possessed creepy doll... what's wrong with this man?

This was good, living dolls are always creepy. The seeing Winnie in everyone's faces was good, him ending up being a killer instead of being killed by the doll-like I was expecting.

I get the ending in that he now can only say "I love you" when he clearly never did to his family, karma I guess - but I can't help feeling the image of it might come across as a bit corny on screen? guess I won't know until I see it.

No real hang-ups on the writing - saw and followed everything clearly.

Well done

I hate dolls. Charlie McCarthy being the absolute worst! I liked this.

A basic re-write until the ending, which was a very nice touch with everyone being Winnie. I'd go with a fireplace instead of the oven. Smoke is a huge issue if filmed and in real life. Very low-budget overall.

Good set-up in the beginning too with the marital issues. Nothing OTN.

Good job, writer.

^

I'd go with a microwave oven.

At first I thought it was the microwave.

Though maybe you get more melt instead of explosion in a fireplace.  

Writing was great.

Love the idea of a grown man being tormented by a doll. Hopefully after this challenge is over you can extend this a few more pages. Story is good, just being 6 pages long you'd really have to cram everything in at the end.

Liked how this whole night messed him up so bad he can only say the doll's line. Nice touch.

Good work.

I like this. It was well-written. I loved the world you created here. A broken man probably seeing his own reflections everywhere. The ending was great.

If shot imaginatively, this will be a creepy story to watch.

I can’t think about this episode without thinking about the Treehouse of Horrors Krusty doll.

Very stiff opening dialogue from Lauren.

Nice job making Adam a dick so I don’t care when Winnie tries to kill him later. His dialogue isn’t great though.

EXT. MUD PUDDLE     there’s a new one

Yeah, the dialogue is very wooden in this script, sorry to say. Could have used a (between kisses) parenthetical between his dialogue to Paris. Otherwise, it just looks like you forgot to write ADAM again for the next line.

Not to keep harping on it, but “More for me. For you. And so on.” Why not just say “More for us I guess.” Or something? It just sounds more authentic and it’s shorter.

“Aw cancel your hair appointment.” Feels like unnecessary detail and again makes for clunky dialogue. If it’s a necessary detail, something like “Come on, you’re hair looks fine, just stay.” Feels like more authentic dialogue. Right now it’s essentially. “I need to do this, and you need to do this!” seems like exposition we 100% don’t need. Also delays what we’re all waiting for – Adam and the doll to clash again. We get it, he’s having an affair. No one needs to know about Paris’s plans for the day. She could have easily just left with no explanation. They could have been finishing up. No one would question that.

… but I’ll stop re-writing your script, apologies.

How did this happen? How did Paris become Winnie? Where did this witchcraft come from? There was no indication that Winnie’s face could appear on others. There wasn’t nearly enough torture from the doll to lead Adam to a psychotic break so that ending just feels like it appears out of thin air.

I don’t think this was enough of an update of the original. I mean, you could have easily done a more AI Tech doll. Are pullstring dolls even a thing anymore?

Also, what’s with the title? b/c she bit him? That was a minor moment in the script.

I apologize again if I was a little harsh and tried to re-write.

Fresh take on a classic episode, good effort.

In general, the story beats and characters felt one-dimensional and on the nose. The dialogue didn't feel natural as well. I wasn't on board for most of the story.

I think the writer really stuck the landing here. The twist was shocking enough to elevate the rest of the story. The visuals were pretty spooky as well.

Good work, I enjoyed this more than I thought I would.