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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Has Cold Feet - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Has Cold Feet - OWC  (currently 541 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Has Cold Feet by  Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) writing as  Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) writing as Jerry the Jack - Short, Horror - On Halloween, a recluse fears the trick and treating kids will meet the ghost that haunts him. 4 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 11th, 2018, 1:24pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Interesting effort. I found it all a bit random and unconnected. The story strands of cold feet, the merging into the husband, and the motivations didn't mesh for me. It felt more a series of events than a story.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  October 20th, 2018, 12:13pm
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jayrex
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I thought the ending didn't quite feel right for the rest of the story.  It was not bad the first four pages.


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JEStaats
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I read it twice and liked this. Definitely a more seasoned writer? A few formatting issues and punctuation mistakes but quite good.
- Should be ghost-like
- A couple extra lines and double spaces between words
- Could have just said "...the Mother's car" instead of 'Mother's" . That was just distracting.
- The Sugar Skull make-up was an interesting touch. It might confuse people if they don't know what that is or don't look it up. Good touch.
- Not sure I get the significance of the shoes/sock being off the dead mother and kids.

I'm only a couple into this but this was the best so far.
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Warren
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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There may have been a bit more to this than I could pick up, but as it stands I didn't understand this one.

I think the main issue is this feels more like a ghost story than a creature feature, but to be honest I really didn't get it.


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LC
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Is 'apportion' meant to be apparation? p.4

Bloody auto correct I presume. Mine just tried to have me write: apparatus.

A nice feel to this tale, I was just left wanting a little more in the denouement, and it is a little light on the 'creature'.
Some nice visuals and I liked the opening: 'my wife has cold feet'.


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currentcmine
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Cute, funny opening. Needs some clarity in places, such as with the trick-or-treaters, intercut front porch or exterior, when Lily FLOATS, and spell "apparition" not "apportion". FADE OUT should be on right corner of the page. The ending is kind of a let down. Could be spookier.
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coldsnap
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Like others have mentioned, I thought it opened well, with sort of a dark comedic tone which I enjoyed, but there seemed to be an abrupt shift in tone in the second half into full-on horror which threw me off somewhat. The ending was a little hard to understand - Lily's ghost possessed Jacob? Could've been clearer. In keeping with the season though.


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PKCardinal
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Kinda lost me when he sucked on her big toe. I was leaning forward to that point, then I sat back, more grossed out than anything.

Nice visuals. Well written for the most part, save for a few oddly worded lines. For example, the sucking on her toe line: Jacob messages them first, then sucks on her big toe on the left foot. Includes a typo, and poor phrasing.

All in all, a good effort. First one I've read, so we'll see how it holds up against the others.


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khamanna
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, read your short.

Very nice visuals at the beginning.
The part where they fall dead is a bit forced. Dead from fear?
Looks like they do die when they see her skull and then they all are dead but living thinking dead. Not exactly zombies but still living dead.

Will check if I was correct with my assumptions.
Very well written and all, but a bit not clear for me. And If I'm right then it's just a bit forced.
Still a good short.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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A good opening but starts going a bit all over the place from page 3 onwards. Very random, unconnected and weird. Some will love this no doubt, but it didn't quite work for me.  


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GM
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing OWC.

SPOILERS!

I would suggest fixing the longline since it would've had a powerful effect if we find that out during the read. Kind of a Psycho feel.

I kind of got confused towards the end with the whole meshing.

I think it would be a better story if the kids try to find out what's wrong with his wife and Jacob tries to hide it.

Hope this helps,

Gabe
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty good. I liked the writing.

Story wise, I think this one could have benefitted from a little more backstory or explanation. Like, why would he suck on Lily's toe? Seems kinky, so I'd like to know why, lol.

I'm still a little confused about how this whole comic thing will turnout and how the stories best suited as one should be written. I tried to imagine this one as a comic and somehow I couldn't really picture it. I should mention that I am no fan of comics and never have been so I'm totally ignorant when it comes to that.

I did like your story though, so good for you.  


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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Canít help but think the setting/characters are a little pedestrian given the medium - still, not a big issue.  Story-wise, this started out with some promise - a creepy, off the wall vibe with Jacob introducing us to his world.  I really wondered where this was heading with the corpse toe suckingÖ

The trick or treaters felt like more of an interruption than a plot point and the idea kind of wandered from that point on.  I wasnít sure if Jacobís actions were part of a ritual (lure victims on Halloween, ghoul wife kills them, he disposes of the bodies) or if this was a one-off?

It did get dark very quickly, although Motherís reaction to watching her kids frightened to death doesnít seem to fit the situation.  The violence isnít gratuitous though the dead kids does feel like a stretch over the PG rating.

Some decent - and weird - horror imagery, but for me it all feels a bit too disconnected to add up to a satisfying whole.


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Philostrate
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Well written for the most part. A good opening. Nice visuals. Some comedic tone. The first three, four pages grabbed my interest, but then... I got confused.

The last two pages felt too random and unconnected, and the ending didn't work for me.

Still a good effort, thought.


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